Thursday, October 21, 2004
click here for an online depression screening test.
i took it and it said i was most likely showing signs of depression or something like that.
and then i took this one and it said:
Your answers reflect the presence of significant depressive symptoms. It is advised to seek a psychiatric consultation.
see? I knew I was depressed. i've been loosing my appitatie and it's been hard to sleep lately. seriously i don't eat anything and when i think of food it's jsut like, i can live without it, i'll skip this meal or that meal.
so that's my life in a box. am i going nowhere?
how come i'm loosing everyone i love? how come they're drifting away from me and i can't hold on to them? how come i feel so worthless and unloved. how come i feel like no one cares at all about me except God cause they're always too worried about themselves and their problems to think about asking me about mine.
how come i feel so ... alone in all of this?
::quoth anna:: at 10:05 PM
I AM 45% GOTH!  Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat. |
Surprise, surprise. Life is no surprise. I suppose when this all began I knew it wouldn't last. I knew I couldn't be that good. I knew it was just their phase. And now. Now I'm nothing. Nothing but I piece of used junk…
I found out that Zoloft not only treats depression but also Obsessive compulsive disorder. (OCD) Here are some interesting things I read…
“Some common symptoms of OCD include:
Obsessions
Thoughts about contamination, or germs –I took an hour long shower today.
Doubts about safety, doing harm, or being harmed –A lot of times when I’m sleeping I’m always afraid a robber or something with step around the corner and point a gun at my head in the dark.
A need for order, to have things "just right" –when I went to school, my desk, like seriously was always neat. Everything had to be placed a certain way, and if it wasn’t, it made me all scatter brained. But if everything was just so I felt at peace.
Fear of making mistakes –always.
Fear of behaving in a socially unacceptable manner –always
Compulsions
Repeated actions, such as hand-washing –teeth brushing for me and when I take showers, and maybe that’s why my hands are always so chapped!
Checking and rechecking that something has been done –I think I do, I’ll exam myself for this.
Arranging objects over and over -yep
Counting/repeating –I’ll exam myself, but I think so
Hoarding objects and feeling unable to throw them away”- ALL THE TIME
And that is my search about OCD. Now I am 90% sure that I have OCD or I'm simply dillusional, have major social problems and need to get over myself and die.
Both sound l good options.
A Poem And What Not:
Seven days ago/
You said you loved me/
And I foolishly believed/
What I knew could not be/
Because noe/
You're backtalking/
I can tell it from your eyes/
And your lies have sent me walking/
Trying to find/
Another place/
Another time/
Where I can find a caring face/
That wants to steal my pain/
And hold me tight/
But after a while/
I know they'll hate my sight/
Everyone finds someone new/
When they realize/
I'm worthless/
And my happiness dies/
I'm left alone/
Scratching at the back door/
Of your heart/
That loves me no more?/
like i can feel you anymore
i don't
you're a distant pleasent memory
echoing in the distance
forgotten i am by you
so left alone here
in this darkness and bitter cold
waiting for the next
to come pick me up
and after a while
drop me again
as you have
kill me now
pretend like it never happened
pretend it's not there
pretend you can hide from it all
pretend like you don't feel this pain
pretend you're not crying
pretend
but i can't
::quoth anna:: at 5:19 PM
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
i'm at church! got to go..
::quoth anna:: at 9:01 PM
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
I just figured something out.
I do not like ************** as more then a friend. Even though we both like and have cats and like the subjects writing and art, I don't like him like THAT. Not like how I like *insert name here*.
Yep.
So I only like *insert name here* and maybe Caleb a bit.
How did this happen? I'll tell you how.
I woke up this morning. Don't take that sentence for granted. Waking up at 8 is a big feat if you went to bed at 1am the night before. And it sucks when you wake up and have TONS of pain in your neck and shoulders that lasts through out the day. Gosh I need a massage real bad. Ok, I made it to school and I'll skip my science class cause science sucks even though we made pretty pictures with colored pencils and...WE DON'T HAVE A LAB REPORT TO DO!!!!!! Yea..light homework..
Writing Class.
Some of the assigned seating changed so now i'm sitting right across from Jordan. It's like this - TT the first t on the line going up and down is where Jordan is sitting, that's a table, and the second at the same place is where I'm sitting. Confusing I know. But we are sitting right across from each other but there is an ocean of floor between the two tables. We can communicate a little better though. So yea. Writing was ok because I really like writing and learning how to be a better writer so I can write books inspired by my friends like Amanda, Britnee, Sarah, Indigo, Max, Peter, Alex, Ben, Todd and a bunch of others. Yay for making stories. At the end of the class we had to get in to our groups from last time and work on correcting this story thing. Last week though me and Jordan didn't really have a team to do the story thing with. Soooo Jordan was mouthing for me to come over and sit with him and work with him and I mouthed to him that he should probably come over to me seat instead. He did too. He got everything and brought it over to my table. Everything meaning his synonom finder, binder, pencils, paper, name thing, the whole bit. And then we worked on it until class was done. It was odd. That was my first thing where I was like hmm maybe I do just like him as a friend. Because dude, if he was a certain guy I'd be all flustered and gigglyish. (which is how I was when Greg Boyd was talking to me tonight and called me an interesting girl. GREG BOYD! Yea, the sr pastor of out church who wrote a book that was featured in a tv show and everyone watches every sunday and just recovered from weird life challenges Greg Boyd. I felt so unworthy..) Then class was over and we said our farewells. But then.
We met up in the parking lot waiting for our rides. So we were standing in the drizzling rain for like 15 or 20 minutes talking and stuff. At one point this kid from our class comes out all looking for his ride and randomly asks if we're related.
Um no..
When we told him this he's all just like, "Ooooo" and kinda smiled this little smirk at us. NOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOO NOOOOOO. I immediantly turned my head away and blushed and pretended like I didn't hear him and was looking for me car. I didn't see Jordan's reaction though... But pish! Ok, Jordan is 16! (even though he sounds and looks and almosts acts like he's 14) I am 13! (Although I haven't told anyone my age at that school seeing as what happened in church. I WAS EXCLUDED FROM THE URBAN HOMEWORKS GROUP!) So I don't know how old he thinks I am. Even though him and Sally have been pestering me to tell them how old. Pish. I never will. But I don't like him like that see. I LIKE *WISHES SHE COULD SAY HIS NAME*
I am dead in love.
Help me God...I want to put you at the center of my attention, not people..*sigh*
Anyways. So Jordan's parents are divorced. He likes shooting deer with guns. He's going hunting. He got a bass guitar with an amp and all that for his birthday and this weird gun that shoot like plastic pellets or something. Writing and Cartooning are his favorite classes at Yeah.
Then after a while I saw my dad coming and at this point I was so flustered and stuff and I cut Jordan off in the middle of his sentece (I feel rather bad about that though) and said, "Oh look my ride is here! And I started walking away and yelled bye to him." Even when I was in my car biting in to my apple of the day I waved to him cause he waved to me.
It'd be funny if a 16 year old boy liked me I admit. But no no. I do not like green eggs and ham sam I am. (I mean I do not like Jordan in that way)
New subject.
I fell down my wooden stairs on zFriday. My head still hurts. I was carrying a small child too. And I slipped on my socks from the top of the flight and fell backwards and bumped my head on each stair going down. I finally reached the bottom (it's a long flight) and the baby in my arms started crying. Even though she was on top of me and I was the one suffering the pain. And I did not cry. My eyes got teary but I did not cry. I think I'm pinning up all this anger, pain, frusteration, and depression and one day I'll have to let it all out. Sobbing for a while maybe.
Monday I went with Becky and Brandon Ternes to church and we filled Normy's (the worship leaser at church) office closet with balloons. We blew up more then 144 balloons and stuffed them all in there and left him a note on one of the balloons and signed it the mysterious penguins. lol. brandon kept popping a lot of them and we burst out laughing a lot from weird crazy things that happened. was much fun. we even had a heliem thing. haha...good times.
that's all for now. can't write anymore without saying something about the person i like. going insane. farewell luvs. hope you enjoyed reading this. and if you could..please comment.
::quoth anna:: at 10:14 PM
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
when i'm nervous. or fear rejection or something. i just kinda mumble on about my situation and comfort myself. Hmm...odd.. And just now I found myself quoting the magican's nephew. Love that book...
"Hallo, what's your name?"
"Polly, what's yours?"
"Digory."
"I say, that's a funny name!"
"It isn't half so funny as Polly!"
"Yes, it is."
"No, it isn't."
"Well at least I wash my face, which is what you need to do, espcially since you've been..been.."
"Since I've been blubbing! Well it's true, I don't care who knows it, and you'd cry too if you lived all your life in the country, and had a pony, and a river at the bottom of the garden, and was sent to live in a beastly hole like this!"
"London isn't a hole..."
That came off the top of my head. I love doing english accents and australian accents. Yum.
I made a website! Tis lurvly... here it tis.
i'll post more later. been on waaay too long and have lots of homework before tomrorow.
::quoth anna:: at 9:06 PM
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
meh, three days grace song
I knew it. I knew it was all too good to be true. What's wrong you ask? I'll tell ya.
Seperated.
That is what.
My stupid writing teacher gave the class ASSIGNED SEATING!!! Can you believe it? I can't. This means I can't sit by luvly Jordan. I'm sitting by a group of boys who don't even talk. Not that I do much talking either, unless of course the right person comes along. Like, oh say Jordan.
It started off innocently enough. This morning I got to my class and waited for my usual people to sit by. Jordan came and sat down. I slowly went over and sat with him. We started talking, he showed me his bloody bandaged rubber fake finger. Sally arrived. Wanted to sit between us. *humph* And then the teacher came.
And she announced
ASSIGNED SEATING!!!
And that's when I knew.
My life, as I knew it, is over.
Why? Because now I'm not looking forward to Wednesday mornings. It's just another thing that overwhelms me and makes me want to die. There's no joy. It's JUST A CLASS. Not make friends also. But just a class.
A lousy class.
And we got seperated. And I'm no where near him. At least we can see eachother's faces. During this one project we kinda talked in this mouth moving hand gesture eye way. But nothing else. It sucks not having him as a partner. He's so fun to work with and do w/e with. After class he offered me a hoof mint. And we talked a bit.
But nothing else. And we all oarted our seperate ways.
I feel like my day is doomed.
Gosh it would suck if tonight at yg Jordan said I couldn't go to breakaway, if I didn't talk to *insert name here* and if noone really talked to me and what's more, I had no chance to talk to anyone.
OH NO!
WHAT IF *insert name here* DOESN'T COME TONIGHT?? I'll be...doomed.
The world is out to get me.
::quoth anna:: at 1:09 PM
