Life of Buck

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Evanescence- So Close

I've spent so much time
Throwing rocks at your window
That I never even knocked
On your front door

I walk by statues
Never even made one chip
But if I could leave a mark
On the monument of the heart
I just might lay myself down
For a little more than I had

The last day
The last day
The last day

Wait a time
To spare these lies we tell ourselves
These days have come and gone
But this time is sweeter than honey

Stupid child he is. I would slay his mind if it weren't for my heart. Playing his tricks and games. But no more, this time is final. It's time to let go, time to give up.

::quoth anna:: at 3:32 PM

Friday, February 25, 2005

I love this song alot-

When the night is still,
And the sea is calm,
Lonely shadow, you fall upon me.

Lay by my side,
Fear not tonight,
Lonely shadow, you'll find a new light.

Dream a dream
And see through angel's eyes
A place where we can fly away.

Ride with me upon a shining star,
Above the moonlit sky
We will find Elysium.

Hear the nightingale
Sing a lullaby
Lonely shadow, you'll find a new light.

Dawn will be kind,
All will be bright,
Lonely shadow, rise from the darkness.

..yea yea i know who sings it, but i'm quite ok with opera actually.

I realize I have not written since last Tuesday, and that is a while I suppose. So here is an update.

Last Wednesday

There was..Yeah. Hmm writing class I think was boring as usual and science really confusing. I'm trying to remember youth group... OH yes! Ok well Valentines was two days before that and so Tuesday night I thought, wow I really want to make stupid valentines for people, so that's what I did. But manda helped me over the phone and she thought of some crazy stuff. Basically it was this tiny piece of paper folded in half and on the front represented some sort of random joke we had with the person or whatever. On the inside I made up poems like, "Roses are red, violets are blue, Go screw yourself, cause no one else wants to!" and "Roses are red, violets are blue...are violets really blue? Anyways. This Valentine sucks and you do too!!" and also "Roses are red, violets are blue, don't call your mom a fag, or she'll ground you!" (Max's heh) Lots of moronic happy junk like that. And then I passed them out with manda on wednesday at church and people liked them alot. Umm scrurvy...Yea, so that was the excitement for that night. And Indigo came which was quite well. But gosh I haven't seen Alex in like almost a month!!! It's horrid. *sigh*

Thursday

Hebrew class in the morning...mrrr *growls* And then it was a long day on the internet, yea like 5 hours! So sad so sad...And I was counting down the minutes to 9:00. "I just can't wait to get out, away from here, on my own." And then Steph came and picked me up (Yessss) and we went to Bennigans. (sp?) It was quite a happy time and it was jolly grand fun.

Friday

Ummm. OH! Yeeea so it was a long day until FNL and I spent alot of it flipping through this insane natural healing book with all these random things. Andit made me want to put lemon juice in my hair. And so that's what I did. I took a shower and then dumped the juice from lemons on my head. This would not be a good idea for people who have a lot of cuts for it Burns. After that, my ride arrived. (Satiya's mom with Satiya, Manda, and Britnee) and we went to church. Fnl was happy and the goth people who come are rather interesting to watch.. The coffee drinks were very yummy as always. I brought my naked fruit drink, haha... After a while me and manda ended up hanging out in the rec room most of the time. I played ping pong with peter for a bit, but then a massive crowd trampled in and attacked my opponent and so I fled away. After walking back down to the rec room I was met by andrew, peter, and paul, who were wanting to venture into the girls bathroom...O.o Paul and andrew anyways. They asked me if anyone was in there and I told them, yes there was, but they did not belive me. Probably because I was laughing for I thought it was funny...I don't know why...just the thought of them wandering in the bathroom when some random person was in there...But yea. I must say, they are all interesting as one unique person (I mean, them as themselves) but they are insanely HILARIOUS when they're all together...it's like...they're really curious cats... Which reminds me I had a dream last night that I had a litter of kittens...like, I HAD a litter of kittens..O.o. Because someone raped me or something. I don't know. No more garbage pizza for me before bed.. Anyways. So the night was filled with insane wild happening, which included Jordan catching paul and andrew in the girls bathroom or something, a happy band that plyed smells like teen spirit, and 12 year olds hitting on britnee...umm... insane. After FNL manda satiya and i went to britnee's (and her too of course) and then we recieved a call from peter, andrew, and paul at andrew's house. OK wow. Too much hitting on britnee occured at 11:30 that night...it's..interesting.

Saturday

At nine in the morning after falling asleep around 1:30 or something we were startled awake by the phone call from andrew and peter and paul..Apparently they had been calling us basically every hour since 6 that day. So we talked to them on and off during that day and hung out with ourselves... We went to Satiya's and I don't think we did anything too important there..

Sunday

Chuuuurch. Normal routine, nothing too amazing happen...that I can remember...

I went home and blaaahed. and then later that night was that weird church thinger, which was ok.

Home again home again jiggidy jig.

Monday

Steph rescued me once again from my prison walls..at around 11 and we went to guitar center where I bought myself some new strings for my broken one... And then we went to toys are us for no particular reason. Which was fun cause I hadn't been there in AGES. brought back memories.. We went to Eddingtons and that is a wise place because all you can eat places are thee best. Then we went to fleet farm which was um...interesting... :) and LPCC, and back to the Langes. I went on their computer for a long while and chatted with people on aim til PRYR MTG. After which I came home and chatted on aim more and then went up to my room and watched the late show with david lettermen..

Tuesday

STRESS DAY. GAH I HATE YOU TUESDAYS.

Wednesday

School. Blah blah, writing class was...iunno.. i did a count down to the end of it on my hand. Lifeless. Youthgroup was meh. I went to the art meeting quite late cause of stupid untrustworthy brothers..oh joy. And todd and satiya were there to greet me with the usual, "whore" "anna you're painting all wrong!" and those happy joking things. ahhh i love my friends. :) Church started and it was fun and what not. Nothin too crazy insane.

Thursday

Hebrew. Later in the day I went down to the bus stop and met manda on an incoming bus and then we bussed to downtown and met our dads at the Preforming Arts place. It was a grand old time and Betsey ended up being there. I went home with Manda and she saved me from my prison cell. We froliced about her house and then fell asleep at around 11:30.

Friday

I went to hero with her and that was quite fun. All the crazy random people we see there and the lovely food and the crazy times.

We hung around her house and talked with Satiya on the phone who is sorta sick right now, so sad. Then around 4 my mom called and wanted to pick me up so she did and then we went to the co-op and got food. Here I cleaned the bathroom and then went on the computer for a few minutes, then ate with mom and dad. Back on here and that is how it is.

I am depressingly happy. What is this? I am not quite sure...It's how I get sometimes on the weekend I stay at home and my house is cleaned up. I'm in the mood to listen to lovely music in my closet and hang about my room or be on aim chatting with people.

But also. There is something stirring inside of me that is angry. Brothers. LAtely they have been so cruel so mean, so towering over me beating me into the ground with their mere words. It's like they gang up againts me and laugh with eachother about how moronic i am. Ezra hates me i think. The other day he was on the computer and I walked by and he could tell i wanted to get on, and then isaiah wants to a little bit later after that, and so I walk downstairs and ezra sees me and he says, "Sure, Isaiah, go on the internet!!" Then he looks me in the eye and laughs. Josh is not much better and I think he hates me too. He has this thing where he seriously think I'm a whore or SOMETHING. If i ever ask mom to do anything with some friends or if I'm on the phone or the net. He ASSUMES i'm talking to boys or my boyfriend. Or something bad I'm doing with boys. And when I was asking about me and Manda going on a bus and going downtown he freaked out and said i wasn't old enough i'm just a little 13 year old girl. (he doesn't even know how old i am) So after a lot of horridness, my mom finally oked me getting a bus only if he comes with, but "he won't sit by you." long story short. we're at the bus stop, ok. and rememebr josh doesn't technically live here, he gets in fights with his girlfriend and comes to our house when he's sick of dealing with HIS PROBLEMS. stupid stupid stupid... And so he hasn't spoken to this girl he's mad at for a while now, ok. We standing there shivering in the cold waiting, and he sees her zoom by in some car with abunch of other people on their way to our house i think. He starts swearing his head off at the passing car and then when it's out of sight, is so pissed off and so he says, "Can I just leave you here?" Um... I say no because I'm already freaked out with him there for the bus stop thinger is really close to the street with the passing cars, and this is like east st paul. there's ghetto people and old scary looking men carrying around 24 packs of beer. And see, I'm really paranoid and I think whenever someone looks at me they want to kidnap me or something. And yea, I'm sorta street smart, but not that well trained. And no one really notices when you're getting kidnapped, for there was this one bus i thought manda might be on so i step on it and am look for her and josh is yelling at me to find her and get off or on or SOMETHING. and i'm just freaking out in my head. He so looked like a kidnapper, and the bus lady just yells at me to get off if i'm not getting on cause she has to go. No concern. Pish. And then he starts swearing some more and I'm freezing cold carrying a heavy backpack, and whatnot.

Yea, and that's life.

Infesting my sense of resonable control.

::quoth anna:: at 7:18 PM

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Ok, so I was once unsure what my life song was, but now I know. This is the song that is exactly me.

Nirvana- Been a Son

She should have stayed away from friends
She should have had more time to spend
She should have died when she was born
She should have worn the crown of thorns

She should have-been a son
She should have-been a son
She should have-been a son
She should have-been a son

she should have made her mother proud
She should have stood out in a crowd
She should have had another chance
She should have fallen on her stance

(x2)
She should have-been a son
She should have-been a son
She should have-been a son
She should have-been a son

She should have stayed away from friends
She should have had more time to spend
She should have died when she was born
She should have worn the crown of thorns

She should have-been a son
She should have-been a son
She should have-been a son
She should have-been a son.

think of me, think of me fondly, when we say goodbye, remember me, once in a while, promise that you'll try.

song stuck in my head...also the rape me song, such a nice song..

sooooo. added another page to my website.

oh oh, i got an electric guitar, pretty sweet. it's black and white and it''s a fender. now the trick is to learn how to play it...i cut my nails which were longish to do such and it feels really weird and i can't scratch my back that well...

my birthday was fun even though very stress filled. friday night indigo sarah and manda and i went to the hotel and did odd stuff like swim in our clothes...hehe...and pushing the matresses together and sleeping on them. and we ate a lot of oranges..
on saturday we got the crazy breakfast and me and britnee played cards in the dining area so we'd be theree when peter arrived so he didn't have to deal witht he confusing hotel people. manda joined us too. and then stiya and indigo did too. and then they willed him to come. (i didn't heeeheee) and he came.
we then took a shuttle to the mall which was fuuun. at the mall i was stupid and made everyone stand around in hot topic for too long. i sort of didn't want anything from there. like i think that i currently don't want anything right now, i don't need anything and that's why when i go there or other places, nothing catches my attention. then they decided they wanted food and then that is what they got. interesting table talk we had...hehe i love indigo. "my crotch is vibrating!" and the other random comments..mrrp..hehe... and then we wandered around camp snoopy for a long time and even bought some points but never did go on a ride...Lol, ok then somehow they forced me to take this civil war photo, and the girls had to wear like corsets and stuff and it was funny cause peter was the only guy and yea...

we lost my mom but found her because of peter's hat.

then me sarah and manda went back to satiya's (ok i'm being confusing) and watched lost and that's basically it.

church was ok. me max and manda painted our nails glittery black by the vending machines.

i got my happy new elec guitar yesterday and now i'm trying to learn chords.

::quoth anna:: at 4:01 PM

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I feel...I don't konw. Distressed. There's all this stuff building up and it's draining my emotions. My power to think straight. I can't tell if people aremad or annoyed with me, or if they like me? At this point I just want to fall into bed after eating alot of steak and sleep and kill this stress, confusion, tiredness.

Things I need to get done VERY soon.

**Make Alex a design
*Figure out who is coming to my thing on saturday and when and where, or if they can go
*Clean my room
*Wash my clothes
*Do hebrew, science, and writing homework
*Eat something
*Get sleep
*figure out if everyone hates me or i'm going seriously mental
*get fixed up
*figure out what i'm doing ahhh

This may seem like a small amount of stuff, but trust me, it's blowing brain fuses.

Ok, I'll try to remember where I left off. I do not remember. So I'll just start with Monday. Nothing too exciting happened. Me and Manda ended up talking to peter on the phone for 5 hours straight basically. 7-mindnight. But whatever.

Tuesday I don't think I did much either. Auft.

Wednesday was yeah, we had a lot of candy...and then the parents took me here and there. Youthgroup at night. Indigo, Alex, Ben, and Max were not there. Gosh, didn't want to see them anyways. But it was ok. Sarah Pilar and I drew on the canvases..fun stuff. Ate pizza. tov m-od. Hs was crazy and i feel it swept past me too fast to realize what was happening. Oh but then I figured it out, and then I turned away from myself. Today I skipped hebrew class and went to rosh kodesh, good food...It was weird though. Everytime I thought of ..stuff...I just wanted to throw up and I wasn't hungry. But I know I was hungry, because...I hadn't aten all day. So yea it was weird.

Today's been weird, My mind is confused, Hotels make me stressed, I'd kill them all if I could.

i need help.

::quoth anna:: at 6:49 PM

Monday, February 07, 2005

Current Status:
Eating: Chex Mix
Listening: to odd songs..
Feeling: Cold and "Ok I guess"

So...Um, I'll start with my birthday I guess. Quick notice. I have decided that Nobody's Home is the perfect song for Shanna. Ok that was random, but anyways.

Well for my birthday I ate breakfast and then went with mother father and isaiah to the military surplus store and got pretty combat boots
and then i went to target and got eye liner, because i though it might be useful for now and then when i'm feeling dark.

we went out to eat and such at aculpoco however that is spelt. and then i came home and katie took me out half hour after that to woodbury wheree we went to noodles and company and then cold stone. we proceeded to walk to best buy and target and just walk around. when i got home at 6, it took Nate an hour to decide on what he wanted to do with me, but then we finally went to maplewood mall and he took me to hottopic where after 45 minutes of circling around the place like a hawk, i picked out black shoelaces with red stars on them and these two pretty black and red bracelets with little silver stars on them. it was pretty. excpet nate was in a bad mood because mom told him before we left that he couldn't go out drinking on fridays anymore because it was shabbat or something, heh. so yea. and every 2 minutes while we were in the store he kept telling me i was taking forever and he wanted to go. so i was under a wee bit of pressure. when i arrived back home i just hopped on the net until laterish that night and whatever.

and that was it.

on saturday my father dropped me off at amanda's at like 11 and then me and manda did random stuff like take her dog for a walk and watch napoleon dynamite and ride bikes with her little sister to mcdonalds and rainbow. at mcdonalds we sat and made starburst bracelets heh.. then at around 7:30 we left for sarah's where we talked for a bit and then idunno what happened. i remember manda was on the net for a while chatting with people while me and sarah sat in the room talking. then sarah and me got food and then sarah showed me this boy in this movie that apparently looked like me. i don't even know. (heh: "you don't even know!") then i went in to pearl's room where manda resided and then i guess we sorta switched, and then she and sarah were watching the king and i and i could hear them singing now and then while I was online talking to todd. auft, evile child...

then later that night i took a shower and then me and manda searched for music videos on the net and sarah sorta watched. well i told her to look up nirvana and she did, and aftere watching some of the stuff, we watched the heart shaped box music video. haha. the insane singing crow...me and manda burst out laughing and sarah yelled at us to turn the "demonic" thing off. i guess she didn't want it playing in her house or something. heh. but yea.

sunday was ok at church and wutnot. me and sarah walked to taco house and got food for people and brought it back and we all ate in the vending machine area.

later that day i went to the lange's youthgroup and shanna was there. expected. it was nice, for i got to hug her. and hang out with her a bit. it's hard, for i want to trust her, but i don't...and oy my brain is confused. but i did leave her now and then to play poker and go do other random things. she gave me a happy little present, that i enjoy greatly. but anyways, yea, it's tough, i think i caught her in a little lie..and i was like weird, i wonder how much she can get past me with lie and wutnot. whatever. i'm confused. time shall tell.

at home i went up to my closet and red boy meets girl, cause my head is all messed up about terpentine. it was mind awaking. which is good. and now i have a different persepective on the situation i think now.

fell asleep around 12:45

today i just did random stuff like clean and *try* to get homework done, and eat. i've been eating too much sugar and i'm afraid what it may be doing to me..hmm..mrft...

but yea, that's life.

"..where she belongs. she wants to go home, but nobody's home, that's where she lies, broken inside."

::quoth anna:: at 3:36 PM

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Oh gosh, i am so screwed. i am so so so screwed. screwed screwed screwed.

if only i could tell someone. but i vowed not to. but guess what. I AM SO SCREWED.

i've made a couple stupid mistake recently.

::quoth anna:: at 10:06 PM

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

ok, here is again for the world to see. I SUCK So, yea. Now I know I shall never be good enough, and hey, why try?

yay, i can never compare, i can never be fun, i can never be loved in such a way.

::quoth anna:: at 6:15 PM

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

So much has happend. Sort of. I mean good stuff too. It's weird..

Last Friday I stayed home and did nothing really at all. Kind of unsual. I was going to go see a movie with Britnee, Sarah, and Nikki, but my mother really did not want me to and I actually did not whatsoever want to see the stupid Elektra movie they were seeing. Pish. So I was strong and withheld my temptaion. If that makes sense..

But it was peaceful. And on Saturday I woke up to my brothers and dad speaking in another room and it was nice. Then I watched Nate play tony hawk for a while, and then of course josh came in and commented on that.

But then later I figured out everything with manda and todd and what not, and I took a shower and walked down my block. And then back.

Then me and my mother picked up Todd and fled to Pilar's party, which was a blast. Arriving there, peter, andrew, and rachel were present, and of course, pilar. she put in a switchfoot concert dvd and then eventually brandon came. it was sorta weird, but whatever. then we decided to watch random scenes of napolean dynomite. which is funny i guess.

AUGH BROTHERS ARE ANNNOYING

Anyways, then most of the people arrived and we all fled to play boot hockey. It was incredibly fun and i had the lovelyest night. we played boot hockey, and sadly nikki got um hurt..and then after a bit we went inside and ate pizza and then started watching signs. but then some of us had seen that movie so we ventured outside and played more boot hockey. ahh the slipness hurtness and collidingness is so grand. then at around 10:30 everyone decided to go inside and watch britnee crying so hard her mascara was running for no apparent reason. and then we watched more napolean dynomite. after it ended we spreaded-ed-ed out and me and manda were in the kitchen just picking at pizza and wut not and i was telling her a story with our hands kajoined and peter and andrew camee up beside us and copied us, and listend in. then we ended up playing that game where you connect hands and trying to untangle. heh, indigo, i love your impression of how that worked out...and then the boys left and girls got ready for bed and tralala. oh but before we got ready, indigo was drawing people on me and manda's hands and she drew me..johnny depp. of course. then people watched hangman's curse while i played manda's ds, and then they watched the lost episode with dom. i tried sleeping through such, but ended up not sleeping really until everyone else settled down. In the morning we all got ready for church, and ended up there, and well, it was ok i guess. then i went home with manda and she took us to sarah's, a place where she and indigo were located. and i ate rum cake and a sandwhich, and then we hung out in her basement which was fun. sarah and indigo would occansionally break out in poto songs, but it was funny and it makes me laugh to think of such.

coventant groups and coming home and wut not.

yesterday was sorta busy for i woke up at noon..and lost a morning. i did work, or tried and stuff, and then i went to prayer meeting. it was happy because after everyone left prayer meeting, me and katie and steph sat at their counter in the dark and ate lovely pickles and drank root beer in shot glasses. ooo and i had an oatmeal craisin cookie with milk. mhmm. and then we were going in the hot tub, but katie said i should put my hair up so i don't get chlorine on it so i went up to her room with her and she put it up. it looked really odd, like i was going to the prom or something. and she had to use these crazy strong hair clippers, for my hair is really thick and hard to keep up. but she did it. and then we went in the hot tub, and it's quite a nice one, for it sort of helped my aching muscles that really hurt from ice hockey. then katie got out, and me and steph remained, she talked about stuff and we watched the stray dog scamering around. we went back in and i ate cake and drank pickle juice..all so fun

and then today. is was today

::quoth anna:: at 4:13 PM