Life of Buck

Friday, April 29, 2005

well i am thoroughly pissed off.

i feel quite betrayed, and i don't think i can ever trust anyone again that much.

thanks alot you know who you are.

i feel sick. i've felt sick all day. stupid naps. i just want to go throw up. like seriously. not just mentally but physically i really feel like throwing up.

::quoth anna:: at 11:37 PM

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Hmm...

It's interesting coming home at 10:00 at night to your own house and your brothers have weird neighbor friends over. And one that looks drunk. So then you go get your handy dandy apron on and come back and by now you're pretty sure the guy is drunk in your dining room. So as my brother and his friends are in there talking, you're trying to figure out a way to ask your brother if his friend is really drunk. so i give nate looks and he's like, what? if you want to say something say it to her face, i'll make sure she keeps her hands off you. i say no. then i look at justin and look back but then the drunk person sees you, and says, what? ask me it to my face! and so i look at nate and he's all, yea justin has been drinking... so my question is answered. but the drunk man insists. and what came to my mind? "do you sleep in your closet?" pops out. and they all give me funny looks and he says no.. And then he walks about your house an doccasionally asks you why you asked that. and i don't even want to know why he thought i did.

Hmm I've gotten a couple emails from my ligthing teacher and i guess she didn't know about my mom..

all of a sudden the smell of pot just passed my nose. hmm...

sean gave me awesome music and now i can listen to hungry on repeat. and it's the best version! she sings it exactly like at church. and it has enough and all those yummy songs.

everyone stole my salt and pepper chips at church last night.

it was fun cause indigo came and i love her so. we tried starting nail polish on fire but her lighter was being bad and the flame blew out. then we had to take a picture so we go distracted.

and i have mixed feelings about greg boyd.

the end. for now.

although, i maybe might go to hero tomorrow for a moment, but that's a toss up. *stares at the sky dulled*

WHYWHWYWHYWHYWHWYWHWYWHWYWHWYW

they are so cruel. they taunt me.

indigo i want to go to your play. :/

::quoth anna:: at 3:30 PM

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

my mouse confuses me.

friends are hard to have sometime. especially guy friends. and i won't go any further with what just came to mind. but oh is it the truth.

i mean, come on, what the heck was up with peter?

and those countless others.

it'd be nice to forget about all those feelings that confuse me often?

and the billy cliques thing? what is this all about. i never thought i'd be involved in such things.

and how come......emails.

and how come.....cares.

stupid homework. i haven't done any of my hebrew homework due thursday and i have a kazillion translations that i have to do and make sure i have the proper word for the verbs. i'm stressed out. everyone says since my mom died i should be easy on myself, but i can't be. Cause I don't want to go to my teachers and expect them to have a pity party for me and say I don't have to do homework. Uh, not happening. And in hebrew I can't fall behind because then I just won't want to do it cause I'll be confused. And I can't leave the house a mess and in ruins, cause then I can't have people over really, and if they do come they'll think we're horrible dirty pig scums.

and i've been thinking, and do you know those houses that you sometimes can't stand to be at cause they seem so runned down and stuff, and then there is those houses you love being at because they'll totally happy feeling and nice. well maybe it's those run down houses you don't like because they remind you of what you have. maybe some things you don't like because it's like looking at yourself and it's too hard to do that?

i wish i could be with friends all the time right now. i hate this lonely feeling. i want to be with people and not have to dread when the time is up. i hate having to anything working right now. it's hard to go back to trying to have things normal, or make them that way, when they aren't. i want to fix everything and change it, but i want to keep it how it was before she died.

augh my posts lately are usually rantings. so i am sorry.

sometimes i wish i was older.
sometimes i wish i could stay this age forever.

::quoth anna:: at 12:00 AM

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Hmm I went to another passover thing last night. And I decided maybe a girl my age shouldnt have more then 1 goblet of wine..*cough* They had sweet wine, which I had a goblet of, and then they had dry wine, and I wanted to have some of that too. I didn't get drunk or anything, but I started to feel a little...hot and like everything was a daze. I don't know...maybe it was cause I was drinking that wine on an empty stomach? So after I started eating salad and matzo ball soup I felt betterish. And maybe I was so hot because the house was quite warm.

Did ya think I was going to give it up to you this time?

And then later in her massive back yard I jumped on her rectangular trampoline in the dark. It was scary I admit cause she has some woods surrounding her yard and I was by myself and I saw this red thing reflecting in the light in the woods. But I jumped really high and over her trees I could see woodbury. Well...bailey road.

I slept for 12 hours last night..and had odd dreams. Some sort of festival where we had to sell things to do something? Ok well then we were leaving or something, but we couldn't and there was something in the woods..(OH!) and we weren't sure what it was. Then these odd looking elephants emergered from them and started trampoling about.

Yea..I also remember my mom in the dream..At this house. And she was dying again. Because my grandma was there and I saw my mom like she was before. Trying to breathe, uncouncious. Holding on to life becaue she did't want to die. Cause she wanted to be there for me and take care of me.. But she lost, and died.

Last night when we got home I sat in my closet and cried and wrote in my *real* journal. Just remembering her at the hospital in march hugging me and telling me and isaiah what would happen if she died, but then ending it with, i don't think i am going to die though. And that time watching the crows waiting for her to be drained. And then it ended up she couldn't be because there was too much air or something.

The stupid hospitals that gave her 3 months. But instead more like 3 weeeks.

::quoth anna:: at 12:48 PM

Monday, April 25, 2005

I broke come glass today, and I cut myself on it. I cried. Not because of the pain, but because I'm sick of things braking and me being hurt by it.

::quoth anna:: at 1:59 PM

Sunday, April 24, 2005

I found this amusing...

What Makes You.. by SheBangs12
Your name?
Your gender?
What makes you sexy?	Your hair
What makes you pretty?	Your hair
What makes you loveable?	Who could love you?!
What makes you fun?	Your positive attitude
What makes you irresistable?	Your sweetness
What makes you cute?	Your personality

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Heh the whole hair thing..

Welllll I went to a passover thing at the Tanner's saturday night and hide lamb matzo ball soup and wine.. mmm mm mm, my tum throuroughly enjoyed it.

i got old lady gifts, meh, what can one expect but no name christian cds and ugly purses?

Today I took me, Nikki, Pilar, Manda, and Satya, and we walked back from church to my house. here we washed windows and did alot of dusting and stuff to loud music and cleaned the kitchen and stuff. then we evntually were joined by more people and they helped clean and we had kfc. i was sorry i exhausted my friends with my sill house chores. i think tomorrow i'll try cleaning the computer area..it's so messy right here and crap.

so yea, passover is a good time for me.

not much more to say, except i'm jealous of pilar's so hot apron. it's white with red polka dots and random pizza pockets. mine's purple with some black stitching. ah well. all's well with boswell.

house cleaning and organizing burns me out like some small child blowing at a candle reeeeally hard, and is just about to extingish it.

::quoth anna:: at 10:50 PM

Friday, April 22, 2005

i've been working on so many other people's blogs *coughseantoddcough* that i haven't had time for mine.

well here's a poem to start off...

lunged upon death
a cradle of doubt
the child stolen
and she wept for almost what seemed an eternity
her sorrow didn't hault the time from passing
it didn't stop the nights from being lonely
it didn't reconize the harsh words spoken againts her misunderstood grief
what slid from her eyes was more then just water
it was an ocean of broken promises
a river of dead dreams
and a puddle filled with desert
and the sparks of hope that once consumed your thoughts
vanished like dew under the pounding heat of sun
like water sucked down the drain
like your happiness that you knew of yesterday.
A memory can't be hugged,
It can't speak calming words to your heart
It can't tell you that they're proud of everything you accomplished today
It can't be there for you when you're breaking down inside.

Yesterday I took a bike ride and got to enjoy sensing everything from the city.

The smell of pot and cigarettes
The smell of bbq and french fries
Listening dogs bark at you biking past
Listenig to hmong people swear
Looking at old guys standing by thier cars and looking at you.
Riding over broken beer bottles.
Smelling beer.
And watching people play tennis.

Oh the tennis! I was looking for Ben..but alas, he wasn't out today. I can not wait for summer and tennis, to get out of this house and ff this computer and skip around at tennis class.

it's friday, and there's nothing to do. oh the joys.

i am so switching my art class day to monday so NO MORE CREEPY SCARY OLD MAN EDDY!!!
I wonder if he knows about my mom.

I went from saying oh she's fine every week every time he asked to her being gone.

I wonder if he hates me and is psycho and is out there hunting my tail down.

Ouch.

Oh, I dunno

::quoth anna:: at 5:59 PM

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The Phantom of the Opera-Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

You were once my one companion, you were all that mattered. You were once a friend and father then my world was shattered.

Wishing you were somehow here again, wishing you were somehow near. Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here.

Wishing I could hear your voice again, knowing that I never would. Dreaming of you won't help me to do all that you dreamed I could.

Passing bell sand sculpted angels, cold and monumental, seem, for you, the wrong companions -you were warm and gentle.

Too many years fighting back tears. Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again, knowing we must say goodbye. Try to forgive teach me to live give me the strength to try.

No more memories, no more silent tears. No more gazing across the wasted years. Help me say goodbye.

Augh I'm tired. I slept for maybe two hours last night. The rest of the time I killed my ear drums with worship music and a very annoying alarm that "sends the dogs in". That sentence may not make sense for some of the readers... Blast I'm listening to heart shaped box by nirvana, but the Amy lee version. And...there's this part that goes, "I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black." I remember singing that and wishing I could do that for my mom... So just that thought makes me want to burst into tears, but something's wrong with me. It's like I can't cry anymore. I feel too much sorrow and pain, and hurt especially and the tears just won't come. I feel so dry. I feel like if I cried, I wouldn't be able to breathe.

And then I have this problem. I'm scared. I'm scared that all those people who were so ready to help me out on Sunday when they found out will think I'm not sad, and I don't need help, and then forget about me a week later. I feel like I have to act sad all the time so people will know I am. Because I am. I can't go 10 minutes in this house without thinking of my mom. Some of her clothes lay piled on the dryer all nicely folded and they innocently wait for her to put them on. But... she never will again. And what are you suppose to do with your mother's clothes? I don't want them to go to goodwill or something because they're her clothes. Her bright orange sweater and multi patterned scarves for her head. But it's so hard to look at them. I'm baffled on that. But anyways, I can't really cry a whole lot in front of people. There is times I want to burst out into tears because of these memories, but someone's usually always around now, and I'm afraid they'll think I'm a moron or something for randomly crying. And plus the other thing where I can't even cry anymore it seems.
I can't begin to explain how much hurt I am in. It wouldn’t be bad if I could feel God. If I could sense Him here caring for me, but I feel I'm slipping away. I'm trying not to. But I just can't seem to figure out how to stay with Him. I want God to help me, I need Him to. I'm so stressed. I have 2 weeks of homework to do, and I don't even know this weeks. And just trying to catch up in classes I slacked on in January. And then I have all these boys in my family to deal with. There's cleaning to do. And I have no clue what to feed myself from our fridge. I feel like I'm trying to do all this crap on my own. I feel God has left me because I was… I don't even know. I want it all just to go back the way it use to.

The worse thing ever happened a couple nights ago. I was sleeping over at my brother's house because my brothers and dad are spending more time together. Anyways it was around 1am and I was drifting into sleep. Like in between awake and asleep. And from what I remember there seemed to be a low mumble, sort of chanting or something. This deep echoic voice. And I was scared. I was sweating and I didn’t want to breathe because I though they’d hear me or something. And I opened up my eyes and there seemed to be this... deeper blackness by the couch. Just like a figure of darker black then the night. After about 10 seconds though I didn't see it anymore so I got up and whimpered to my brother. He let me sleep in his room with him and Michelle, and thankfully I drifted off to sleep and didn't wake until morning. And this is why I feel like crying and crashing. Why God would let something like that happen to me? It was like a demon or something. I hate this fact so much. Why is everything attacking me all at once? Why don't I know how to get closer to God? I try to read my Bible. But unlike a lot of people I hear about, I can’t seem to find the right verse for what my heart is tearing up about.

Moving to a lighter topic. Last night was fun I guess. Friday night live, and then the lock in for manda's birthday. Except we set off the church alarm which alerts the police and it's a huge thing and it's a money cost and stuff. I was so scared. Indigo brought black temporary dye so we dyed some of our hair. Then she made little vines coming from our eyes on our face and I looked like a fairy. (or so they said) There was a lot of worship music playing and people going on stage and singing to it in the mics. We played big booty and the cookie game hehe. Indigo and I ran to SA at one point and did nothing there, heh. So yes, it was a nice time to forget about some stuff for a little bit.

Nate (my brother) has joined Josh now and at times the others, and thinks I'm doing something bad with my friends. I hate that they don't trust me. I haven't even done anything bad in my life for them not to. Well I have but, I mean something worthy of loosing trust. Yesterday he made this comment about how I go off with my friends too much like nothing happened and I'm trying to escape reality, like he did when he was my age. And then he mumbled on about how he went to his friend's house to do drugs. And he was serious. So my brothers now think I do drugs and have a boyfriend that I do who knows what with. (Their imaginations I mean) I do feel bad about something though, and I think I'll tell my dad. I accidentally gave him the impression I was going to Britnee’s house after FNL. I didn’t start out that way. I said, I'm sleeping over. And then they thought I meant a friend’s house and so I panicked and was afraid they wouldn't let me go to the lock in cause of that whole trust thing and boys, so I made them think I was going to a friend's house. I feel terrible about it cause I didn't want to lie at all. So I'm pretty sure I'm going to tell my dad the truth.

A lot of people sent us money, so I guess we got the funeral stuff covered, thank the Lord.

Those are my thoughts that aren’t complete. I need a shower and some sleep now before tonight. And better food. AND WHY IS MY CD SKIPPING?

And now I sit here eating a tomato in wet clothes from playing big booty outside in the rain. And why do girl scouts taunt us with their really yummy cookies?

~+~_~_edit_~_~+~

I HATE THIS.

Boys are horrible. I was getting cat food at rainbow with my dad and I saw him make polite conversation with the lady checker person and I thought to myself, He has no wife to go home to, he’s a single man. And I hated this thought. I shoved it from my mind. But as we pulled up in front of our house he started asking me about a new mom and crap. Like, do you want a new mom, and all this stupid stupid stuff. I DON'T. I want MY mom. I don’t want some lady, who knows who, to try and come live in our house and marry my dad and try to be my mom. NO NO NO NO NO. I want my mom. I don’t want anyone else. So now I sit here finally in tears and I've been crying. And I just want this huge nightmare to be over cause I'm scared to death. And that's what started all this stupid stuff. Death. And now he's talking to some lady on the phone and I want him never to talk to any lady ever again.

If my REAL mom was here she would say, “David, don't talk about this now on Shabbat.” But she wouldn't be saying that anyways cause if she was here I'd sit in her arms and never let go of her. Personally I think a week after your mom died isn't the best time to talk about getting a new one.

How could he even think that!?! Everything he's done with mom, and how much he loved her. And then he threw in this crap about how I'd be beneficial for us. And basically all of my brothers are grown up, and I don't want anyone. I'd rather live alone then with some random lady I didn't grow up with. Some lady who never made me go to Jewish holiday celebrations. Some lady who didn't spend a lot of her time with me when I grew up. Some lady who didn’t pray for a baby girl after having 5 boys. I don't want any lady.

I don't want a new mom. I don't want to take years learning how to be totally myself around some other woman. I just can't do that. I can't do this.

::quoth anna:: at 5:11 PM

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Sitting in the church computer lab...because..
i can.

i'm singing to natalie mr rogers.

these past few days have been hectic, chaotic, stressful, and of course, sad.

reasons why i miss my mom:

1. i can't get any hugs from a corpse.
2. a corpse can't tell you you're wiser then your age, and wiser then your niave brothers.
3. she can't tell me her opinion on the person i might want to marry someday, or approve or diapprove of them..
4. she won't be there to show me how to raise my kids.
5. i'm currently living in a house with 4 sometimes 5 boys.
6. no more random jewish things.
7. everything seems to remind me of her
8. if i want someone to come over, i can't tell them, oook i'll go ask my parents! i have to catch myself and say..i'll ask my dad
9. no more crazy bus trips or passing out tracts in the summer.
10. no more exercising when she feels i've been on the computer much and makes me take a walk with her.
11. no more of her encouraging thoughts about me she tells me..
12. no more warm soup or tea she makes me when i'm sick in bed.
13. no more mom.
14. things she touched last make me sad and so i hold them to my face and cry.
15. i see people and their moms and that love they get and care and it's like..i once knew how that worked.
16. thinking about all this and more makes me cry.
17. i just miss her and wish she was here.
18. overwhelming relatives don't come over often.
19. i'll never be able to hear her voice again.
20. her writing is everywhere in our house, and notes on things and books and stuff.

things to chew on.

::quoth anna:: at 6:23 PM

Sunday, April 10, 2005

She's dead. And i feel like it too.

My post from thursday that didn't go through cause blogger was down

Lacuna Coil - Purify

I cannot fight against myself
No more
Self destruction that I predicted
Not a long time ago

Petrified

Thoughts so far from me

The power of my justice blows me away
It's just the case to repeat
What I've never said to you before

Celebrate
I'm alive again

You don't expect from me
This chain reaction
You can't imagine from me
This great affection

See the structure of my pride
Wasn't easy to build it away from this
I never walked away from you
I never walked alone

A pleasure makes me vibe again tonight
I'm just thinking how fine it is to feel myself so fine again

Celebrate
I'm alive again

It's time to turn the page and start
And then
Don't you think that it's time
To convince yourself it's over?

Celebrate
I'm alive again

I like that song. The chorus is nice. And my sim can sing like her, ha.

Oh our neighborhood is so nice.. My brother shouted out our sliding door to this girl who lives across the street and he said, "loser!" and so then from her door she gave him the middle finger, and then they started talking about some guy who went to the zoo, and then he told her to call him on his cell. Odd..

So life is interesting. On Monday..hmm..nothing interesting happened I do not think. Fleem, Katie gave me soup that was off limits for guests. Well then I can just be a stray cat, and there ya go, I'm not a guest. Oh yea, I went and helped my dad bring some stuff to Josh's new house. It's by the co-op, yummy healthy store bought new food not from the food shelf. always the best kind. especially if your parents by the food from it. Pretty little half a house it is. I attacked Jennica on the warm sunny day and we ran around screaming. (she's 3 by the way)

Tuesday I was very distraught because my mom and dad would not let me go to the barn with Britnee, Manda, Todd, and Merrill. No matter what I optioned she said no. And Josh was over, plech. The other bad thing was that the main reason I couldn't go to the barn was because of art class, and that just ruins art for me anyways cause I don't want to be there, but I have to, yet I like it. It is complex. Although this was the case for most of the morning, I finally found a plan. Apparently Breyan (Britnee's sister) was picking up Todd if he gave her money for gas, and Todd lives close to me. So it worked out that she could pick me up too if I gave her gas money. I had to leave art class early but that was just fine with me. Disgusting eddy man was there as usual. This time he said he liked my shirt and that I was a beautiful girl. ARGH. Guess what Mem started mumbling though? She was all, it's not a good place to be flirting...
KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

scary old man.

Off to the barn I was, squished with todd, britnee, merrill, and mnda in the compact car. Breyan blasted very loud rap music, and Todd and Britnee knew like every song and sang along. I knew only a few. Back at the "ranch" we rode pretty horses in this small outside arena. I was quite scared for I never liked horses.. (i had a bad pony experience) But Manda and them made me ride one of the horses first (we had three you see) We just walked, and after a while I got use to it. Fascinated with merrill and britnee riding fast on theirs, I twas determined to speed mine up. Well it took forever and a day just to make it trot, but after kicking it a good long time it did. But the need for more speed consumed me. I started kicking it as hard as i could (which really wasn't very hard for by this time my legs were quite tired and my mind distraught) and clucked at it. Nothing. Then I whipped it a little on it's neck to see if that would help. It truly did! The pony started cantering and I felt the breeze in my hair and my hat flew off and then Todd grabbed it and used it for a yamekah..O.o After that if I whipped it gently once it would canter for me. This pony was a stubborn one and I got it to riiide. Oh the happiness. Soon we both were sweating and worn out so I let it stop the fastness. Then we all took turns riding double on a few different horses bareback. Was nice and gentle.

Dropped off at home, I started working on my science homework. I actually ended chatting on aim, so I decided to just heh, not do it cause I didn't understand exactly what to do. I then went upstairs and wrote my hero essay for writing class. i did Jesus, yay!

Wednesday in science we did petty little experiments to show how the stomach acid works.. Kinda boring. Again in writing I spent the whole class highlighting the things on my paper and adding stuff so I could turn it in. Surprisingly it is nice to sit by Jordan and that other kid face man because they're always turning in their crap on time and it motivates me to also. Plus Jordan is ok company to randomly start talking to or give weird looks. He prolly thinks I'm mental by now. Sitting by random people who are quiet is no help to my brain.

My father went to cub afterwards to get random fruit, and so I got some pomegrant juice. Oh that stuff is so yummeh...

At home I played the sims for a wee bit, but then some jewish man with a loooong white beard came to our house with his wife to talk to my parents about writing up a will. (he's a lawyer) apparently they had helped him before, quite alot, and he found out my mom wasn't do well, so that is what he decided to do to help...riiight. I scampered upstairs when they arrived and then started on my hebrew homework. (ha! should have asked him for help..)

at youthgroup i hung around wiht pilar and sean and britnee and max and nikki and ate her licorice. oo and britnee has cinnoman flavored toothpicks! those are awesome! but they burn your mouth.. I just sort of ran around that night being random and stealing qtips from people. (don't ask ha..)

it was interesting for ezra wanted to go to dq randomly, probably just another spite thing, so he could eat ice cream in front of my face and tell me how good it was. but then as I was skipping towards the door these blinding headlights from a car freeze me and I look. Red car, black thingert in the front..is that steph?? Oh yesh it twas! So I ditched Ezra and hopped in her car, and she bought me ice cream. It was joyful and it lit up my night. At home then nate let me use his amp and distortion petal and that was fun.

today surprisingly i did not go to hebrew. although i did get most of the homework done. most, heh... that was ok with me. mom had appointments and that is why.

now i do not know what to do with myself. i'm bored, and on the net too long, and i need something useful to do. i already did some homework. and i'n cleaning the kitchen later so i can go to hero tomorrow.

ooo me and leah and manda are going to have a grand time tomorrow!! hehe.. i shan't be home til sunday afternoon then. so yea.

farewell adoring loyal fans! (i've been playing the sims superstar waaaay too much lately since i got it reinstalled.) probably what i'm doing right now if i'm not online...

::quoth anna:: at 4:56 PM

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Learn to be Lonely

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed, out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known
Your heart was on it's own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love
Life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone

That is how I feel right now. And I guess you could pull out alot of depressing songs and I feel like that too.

So what did I end up doing that friday night? Well I went up to my room and watched a very disturbing movie. one of the one's jon gave me... i have one more to watch and then i shall be done with them all.

On saturday i went to that tea thing for satya's fundraiser, and sean, pilar, natalie, andrew and peter were there besides me as for like youngish people..
after the tea, when satya was cleaning up, i hung out with sean and pilar, and it's nice hanging out with them cause i don't feel like the third wheel and they're quite comical to be around.

me and satya watched the second matrix at her house, and later manda joined us and watched lost.

we knew about daylight savings time. the alarm awoke us at 6:45 and i was like, augh i'm going back to sleep, i don't need 45 minutes to get ready. so naturally i assumed someone would wake me up. well manda was in the bathroom and me and satya both fell asleep together ha. i had this weird dream that kate and sawyer from lost got married on the island. it's so weird how you can dream or envision people doing things they've never done. how does you mind know such things? anyways i woke up at 7:45 and was like auuugh, cause manda's mom comes at like this exact time. so i woke up satya and quick got ready in like 5 minutes.

well 8 rolled around and so manda called here mom, and manda's whole family didn't know about the clock thing, so yea she ended up picking us up at 8:45 so i had time for tea and breakfast.

church.....it was ok. i almost went home with satya but i chose not to. i almost wish i did for peter built her a cake and asked her to go out with him and left it on her doorstep. i want cake..i'm starving. my brother warmed up his leftover hot wings and my mouth is drooling at the thought. unfortunately i am the last person he'd share them with cause he usually does things to spite me, like give isaiah stuff in front of my face to see me cry. oh yes, charming brothers.

so i stayed on the computer basically all day and reinstalled the sims. and went online. then i went to the lange's youthgroup cause it was a nice day and i figured they'd be doing something outside, and i hadn't been to the yg in forever, and i just felt like ditching covenant groups for the whole thing..*sigh* the issue that is not mine anymore. plus the lange's yg is a happy place with happy worship.

and i came home and did science homework. now my leg hurts, maybe because of volleyball, or some sotr of weather change..or maybe i'm growing? O.o

meh. anyways, who knows what tomorrow will bring. hopefully food cause my tum is starving and i have no energy and it's making grumbly noises at me.

"i bleed i bleed, and i breathe i breathe"

i have this problem where i like the letter e. i want to put e on the end of potato, and tomato, and this other word but i forgot what it was now. so yea..

pretty weather here in minnesota. i'm excited for tennis...

::quoth anna:: at 10:46 PM

Friday, April 01, 2005

it's fiday night and all my brothers are gone. i can't find any of them. i bet they're probably off doing something cool without me. something with jeremiah prolly, and that dude is funny. i wish i could be included in random basketball games and stuff. but i would get crushed and no one like a little girl tagging along. they never liked me tagging along.

i just carried a very large heavy tv from one room to another room. i'm gonna watch a movie or two and i must use it for the dvd player.

there's a tea thing tomorrow, so i called satya tonight and we talked for about an hour, it was nice hearing someone's voice from why. i feel so isolated. guess what they watched without me. the ring. i have been wanting to see that forever. at least my cat doesn't reject me. she follows me around like i'm her candle in the dark. i'm annoyed with people who say they hate cats. i understand if they don't appreciate them or are allergic, but i can't stand when they sit there and talk about how much they hate them. i don't say i hate dogs. i don't appreciate them that much (well some i like) but i don't talk about how stupid and smellful they are. mainly i do not like preppy girls who sit there and talk together about how much they hate cats. grr. besides, God made all animals and doesn't hate them.

floof

::quoth anna:: at 9:51 PM

well i had a whole large post typed up about some evile things but then blogger decided not to work so i took it as a sign from God that maybe i shouldn't let those things go live.

you know what is sad? the kid next door. he lives like 4 houses down and he's my age. he has brown hair and the top of it is dyed red. his name is alan. anyways, alot of east siders have lived here most or all of our lives, so i've seen this kid around since forever. haha, i remember when he was like 5 or something and hee and this other kid were so happy it rained, and there was this huuuge water puddle in our street, and then they took of their clothes and splashed around in it. wrong, i know. they were hamsters though and didn't know any better. anyways it's weird causee he was this dirty scrubby kid. now he has a top of red hair and a deep voice. i guess i've been too busy to notice east side life lately. anyways my point. it is so sad cause i guess this kid has been getting cigarettes off my brothers for a video game!!! i want to attack my brother, evil. he is all carey full about me but doesn't mind hat there's kids my age getting cigs from him. i'm sure he'd smash the person's face in if someone gave me cigarettes. so that is what is sad.

i'm in an odd mood again. *rolls eyes at self* i curled up on my closet floor in the dark and listened to unreleased evanescence songs. then i played with my new obsession. fire. i have this snowman candle from two christmas banquets ago and i had never lit it until recently. and then i had this other flower candle from my small group leader but it burned past the point of no return. so i got off a bunch of wax from it that wasn't burned at all, and then i use the frosty candle to sculpt it. the fire melts the wax and then it dries quite quickly. it's fun. anyways i was trying to see how long i could have the flame stay on the match, and then it sort of burned my fingernail, like it turned black, and it smelled like burned popcorn. so i chipped it off.

i've decided that no boy has ever really liked me. true there was that weird peter thing, but that was only because he found out i liked him. and then beetsey said that caleb liked me, but that was only because he knew i liked him.

so yea. now off to watch seinfield people on oprah.

::quoth anna:: at 3:15 PM