Life of Buck

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

-~~EDIt_-~_~_ O.o

i came home today from happiness to...this. josh and jennica are here and josh brought ALL his furniture and crap form his old house he got kicked out of and it's all in here and he's trying to rearrange it into our living room. iunno, i'm too tired to scream at him. so i figure the best thing to do is just grin and bear. besides, he's street smart so he was helping me figure out my bussing way for tomorrow. ick, his massive ugly couches are being stuck in different places in our living room. he's acting like he's staying here with the crap, for good. that scares me.

i spent the night at amanda's new house last night, and it's really nice. and her bed's comfortable, and he dog slept in between us and put her head on my tum. it was cute. we woke up early this morning to try to do a trial run for the gay school for her, but we sat and watched the bus go by because we were on the wrong side. so at least she learned. but we missed seeing christine and satya. oh well.

we had to wake rachel up to open the door for us, and we read the morning paper and tried the crossword puzzle, but i was so tired so i made her crawl back in bed with me. and we slept on and off til 11.

and i went to maplewood mall with her and i saw christine's family, but not christine! :/ and my preppy cousin in kohls. i was happy she didn't see or recognize me, i was looking pretty scrubby. *shrugs*

on monday i had lots of fun with michelle. we saw red eye and there was this old man sitting in front of us who has this insaaane laugh. it sounded like woody woody pecker but a more high pitched gayish version, iunno! but it was the funniest laugh i've ever heard. And he laughed at the stupidest things! Like the prview for Doom. Hahaha see, there'd be a preview and either during the preview he'd laugh, or at the end when the announcer guy in a deep violent voice would go, DOOOM! or This September..Evolve or DIE! He would burst out laughing. hehe. Heh, and his funny comments and laughing at dumb parts. Yea..it was a great movie experience.

And we had tacos and I rented arthur movies and had dq qith michelle. :D And I watched some of the ring 2, but didn't finish it. oh well. it was kinda dumb.

and yesterday jon had his party, and manda and me set up croquet. ;) and we played and she beat me..hmm..but then in our bigger game i was second behind peter and i beat jon. mwuhaha. yep, foosball and video games. good times before school. and i went and talked with satya in Jon's room for a while.

my life. i feel like..listening to blindside. and heh...*laughing in a happy manner* i got home and saw the hogan's number on our caller id today, and josh said someone called to invite me irish dancing, and i went to myself, swooooon! and i called them back even though i couldn't take the phone ringing suspense and Ben answered. Well apparently he was the one who called and he had tried a couple times yesterday but the line was busy. So yea..I might go tonight.

And now there's a screaming child, and so much ugly furniture in our house i can hardly take it. i need to listen to music, do some more browsing, and then retreat to my room and dawdle.

"well if you don't mind, i think i'll wear my heart on my sleeve, cause I'm tired of not being able to bleed. All of us are searching for an open arm, well it's a shame how, I've curled up in the dark."

--------------------------------

i just got home from irish dancing, which was nice, but i sort of feel like an outsider almost because everyone has these happy lives and see eachother often and i hardly come, and the hogan's are moving on the outskirts of eden prairie. but what's not nice? josh is drunk. auuugh it makes me mad. i'm going to go double check my bus schedule and fly, cause i wanna sleep and get this day over with. get away from him..

::quoth anna:: at 4:19 PM

Sunday, August 28, 2005

manda inspired me to download bunch of blindside music and now i'm madly in love with the song, all of us.

i rode my bike around the lake and stopped in my special spot and threw rocks at the water and talked to God about stuff. Hmm...

Anyways the point of this post is that a drew a picture while listening to blindside and it's not that good but i guess i like it enough to post it.

the link to it is here
well that's the little version, if you want to see the full thing click here (and to make it enlarge put your mouse over the picturee and wait for that weird yellow direction button to pop up and click on it, yadda yadda yadda..
i'm debating on if i should finish coloring it or not..
oh and sorry it's sideways. i just started drawing it like that..

you can comment on it's stupidity if you wish.

michelle i am so excited to come over tomorrow. yayness..

::quoth anna:: at 7:58 PM

man i hate posting about everything i did. well, i mean i like to, but i get lazy and don't want to, so i'll try to do a quick overview thing.

wednesday- andrew's party. lots of trampoline jumping. and me and pilar tried running a mile around andrew's circular basement with nirvana playing. such great fun.

thursday- hebrew, a little bit of food shopping....oh ha! and i had a most interesting thankfully rape free night.

friday- oh right, almost couldn't think of it. i made peach jam with my dad's friend from work. and then we went to ocb with my dad and isaiah and came home and had ice cream cake. mmm, yummy. and then we walked around the lake and got home. and isaiah has left me for florida, blast him. :P and that night i saw the brother's grimmm with ruth and jon....hehehe that kitten sure got mauled. and the horse part?!?!?! haha... and my brother's were being so dumb that night, augh. *shakes head*

saturday it was funny, at the last minute i ended up meeting natalie at the state fair. and see i usually hate the state fair, but it was actually ok going with her. and we bought crepe's from pilar where she works and saw brandon too. and he gave me free water, haha. After she got off she joined me and Natalie and we walked around and talked and ate. (giant pickles with pilar, yay) At 6 we left with Natalie's little sister and friend and rode the shuttle back to meet her dad. *yawning* We had a good time, ordering 37 dollars worth of pizza, heh..

I saw Natalie's room and whoa, her brother Andy has amazing drawings. It was a nice change to do something with Pilar and Natalie. We layed outside in the grass and prayed for a little bit, about stuff concerning us. And before we went to bed read some psalms. It's nice to have fellowship with friends.

haha and natalie's little sister's friend was craaaazy. Oh man, she got on natalie's nerves and it was kinda funny.

Today I went to worship at church which was nice, but then went to the gathering area to see manda, britnee, autumn, nikki, jon and ethan. And I rested my head on Amanda's back for a little bit and watched the clouds moving past. Thy sky was so blue, hmm much niceness.

Me and my dad left after I said my goodbyes to panera to meet a couple of his friends. And it was funny cause I saw curtis, chris, john, and this other lady there. My dad and his friend's were sitting outside panera and they went in, and after hours of listening to my dad and his friends debate about making images of God, I decided to go talk to them. So I went inside, and man, curtis is funny, and talked to them about attracting people to groups or something. and after a bit we prayed, and curtis wanted to hug me, haha. *shakes head*

now i'm here, debating if i should go to that youth group thing tonight or not. i'm tired and i don't feel like dealing with ignorant people. but ruth really wants me to go, and maybe i shouldn't be so bitter and unforgiving.

whoa, ezra just woke up. now nate, ezra, justin and ben are hanging out in the living room, and ben's reading the 7 habits of highly effective teens i had left out. haha now he's telling us his new dream..hahahaha! apparently this guy from down at rainbow tried to kill ben because ben told him not to look at porn in the buck's house. so he pulled out two guns. hahaha, man ben...!!! He's like evan, i can't get over how funny he is. And curtis. the end. i'm tired.

::quoth anna:: at 4:15 PM

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Infected-Demon Hunter

I still wonder when the medicine will take it's effect.
And The injection they made, it's all just left me the same.
I'ts hard to concentrate with echo's of your voice in my head.
From all you said, im still paralized.
But i'm almost out of breathe from saying things that i'll regret.
My time is over, i cant do this alone.
I'm infected with you, pull the plug already.
Tell me before i go, that your infected with me.
I cant remember if i ever took a minute to say.
That if it had to be now, i'm glad it had to be me.
I cant recuperate, i'm never going to leave here alive.
Just help me throu this, dont let me die here.
But i'm almost out of breath from saying things i'll regret.
My time is over, i cant do this alone,
i'm infected with you, pull the plug already.
Tell me before i go, that your infected with me.
I'm killing time just trying to find the words that fall so short of you.
I'm loosing sleep, i cant compete, i'm giving out, i cant do this alone.

good song for how i feel right now.

ok sooo justina's brithday party today was, umm tiring? i made crazy flip flops because we had one of those preplanned activites where me made flip flops and it has this black fluffy stuff on it and some awesome words...hehe.. man, those girls talk ALOT, and laugh at something really stupid. and i made todd something because there were these foam words, and hehe yea i thought of him.

i biked around the lake today and there were these big rocks i saw so i stopped and sat on them, and you could walk a few steps and you'd be in the water, so i watched fish and watched the water ripple and prayed about stuff. it was nice.

still debating about andrew's party..

i'm listening to some of those mellow old piano evanescence songs. pretty.

last night's family meeting was interesting. we got sim on ezra's cell phone with his speaker phone, and sim on nate's the same way, but he got reeeeally mad when he found out sim was the will master and if he can't do it then i am. and so he was all, "go ahead and make decisions without me, who cares about my opinion." something to that effect.

and everyone basically but me and dad want to move to the stupid subarbs. ok i know it would be much safer. but i love the east side. i grew up here, i lvoe this house, it's home, it reminds me of mom. i don't want it to be a memory! everytime i come abck from a friend's house or something i'm happy to be in the wood floors and my blue room with only the dim closet light on listening to music and reading my wall. all our decorating and painted walls are so homey. and teh subarbs have all those new houses that look all the same....

sim doesn't understand, oh well, i guess we'll have to agree to disagree for now until someone hears from God.

i can't think of anymore to write...

oh did i tell you i went to maplewood mall on monday with manda? she came as i got some school clothes, and now i wonder if i should return the jeans because what if they shrink alot when i wash them. *looks around* i don't know what to dooo.

night, i'm tireed.

::quoth anna:: at 11:49 PM

Sunday, August 21, 2005

hmm i'm listening to tfk. yep. i'm in one of those moods where i question things in life.

today for example i thought i was going to do nothing but i guess ruth's church (lpcc) is having this picnic/tubing thing at someone's house, so i go. anyways i was in one of my quiet spells where nothing really chippers me up because i'm either thinking about someone who's not there or something. it was sorta both i guess.

i stood by the lake with the wind and shade rather chilling, and thought about the concept of water. millions of little droplets that when we jump into them they make us wet? and all slippery and colder than we were before. and feelings. things that drive us to do immoral things. and it's weird because you'd think that people would realize that it's just a feeling. it comes and goes, it's not solid. and that's just kind of a funny concept...

i had a lot of alone time and i thought of shanna and this night last year with her. And iunno. I'm in one of those moods (FEELINGS AUGH) where it really seems like certain people are ignoring me or don't like me as much as they use to, or never did like they said.

oh vell.

saturday i ended up going to satya's cause i missed her like crazy and manda even was there. love them.

one of the main highlights was that we watched manfield park. i think that's what it was called. based on a book by jane austin. haha me and manda wanted to watch second hand lions though. :P but satya didn't. it was ok cause i was fine with the other too, and we just wanted to watch secondhand lions because we were in one of those anything-that's-dumb-is-hilarious moods.

at church we went to worship and peter was distracting me. :P what was he doing..*thinks* i don't even remember. asking me stuff. CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just remembered i saw someone in service i was going to say hi to later but i forgot. blast. anyways, after that we were in the lobby looking at pictures and then manda jon and i tried to get her wireless connection to work. and then jon decided to dig in the garbage for cups. heh heh, and we all played the cup game.

hugs, and i left.

and went to some guy's house to look at a computer.

and then i got home and talked online and the picnic.

and we're back to the starting place.

here. now. time.

i miss michelle, manda, leah, natalie, britnee, christine, sean, jess, peter, max, satya, manda, jon, pilar, todd, nikki, steph lilly, merrill, the leones. MRP ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE I LOVE!!!!!!

hmm justina has her birthday party tuesday. that will be so weird. i hate birthday parties that are all planned out with activities and stuff, and i think we're going swimming or something, and that makes me feel weird...especially with people i don't know. and i'm not sure if i should go for the hard look, or if she'd be frightened. meh, we'll see what i feel like wearing that day.

AUGH FEELINGS. I want God to controll my life.

Oh hehe, Saturday we were giving away free organic vegetables, and the erobertson's dad got some. we had this little stand at theorner of our block and Ben just sat by it adn read a book waiting for people. And he was telling me and my dad about this super happy middle eastern man who was talking in a different language who jumped out of his cab to get some squash or something.

i need to go to israel again soon. i miss it. and i'm going with christine and whoever else is brave enough!

"and it hurts when you need me.."

::quoth anna:: at 8:30 PM

Friday, August 19, 2005

hmm last night i went with ben ezra and nate to the maplewood mall, and we basically sat around for nothing.. O.o I saw interesting looking people had a mocha. Yep..

Ben: I don't buy anything at malls.
Me: Where do you buy stuff?
Ben: You can get everything on ebay.

And apparently the mall didn't have Nate's favorite store, Best Buy, so we went over there. I observed that he went to the ps2 games first and then music and then music dvds. Hahaha ok so his friend calls him and was all sad cause he hadn't gotten in to the new club, Myth, across the street, to see seether and crossfade. And so he came to best buy and they all started talking. Nate was so excited that it was an awesome club that was once a shoestore, and that now you don't have to go all the way to minneapolis for concerts. And his friend is swearing in his excitment and telling us how he almost got in. Then he asked them if they wanted to go to a club and see a show or something, and Nate's all, "Uhh I have my little sister with me"

And then we all looked at cell phones and the dude was swearing about how awesome they were and how he had ordered that one *points* in the mail, and crazy stuff like that. The whole night was funny though because Nate just couldn't stop raving about Myth and how sweet it looked. It made me laugh, and I think it cracked Ben up too. Hahaha Ben told me his random roller coaster dream where he floated and then kicked this guy into a closet outside(?) and then the guy had respect for him because he knew that he could beat him up. hahaha yeeeea..

He left and Nate and I looked at music dvds, and he decided on a soulfly one, and they're kinda a good band.

Embrace one feeling left inside
The more we breathe
The more it takes my breath away
Everything you do
Everything in you
Everything you do and say
Doesn't wash it all away

I liked that line..

We listened to them on the way back home. We passed manda's hotel a couple times and i saw her big van and it saddened me. I rather enjoy sitting in the backseat of Nate's car with the windows rolled down in the speaker blasting in my ear. It makes me feel all little sister-ish. It's hard to explain...

We ate at taco bell...yep.

Today I thought I was going to do nothing..Oh and last night I had a baaaaad dream that satya's plane crashed and i did the whole thing with my mom's death where when someone told me, it didn't hit me right away, i was just quiet, but later i was bawling.

Thankfully I hear she didn't. Ahhhh I miss her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm I had a weird dream about black widows infesting our house and strangling Isaiah to death and my dad dying of asthma and then i was scared because i knew my mom was going to die too. WHY CAN'T I HAVE HAPPY DREAMS ABOUT MY MOM!?!?! Man. It's jsut kinda weirding me out now..

So I thought I was going to nothing today but chores and Shabbat sort of relaxing, but I guess me and Ruth decided to do something because we were both bored over aim.

And I spent the day with her. :) We played Mario racing, ate, and she had to babysit so i went with. It started out ok, the little girls were cuuute. Then their brothers came and it brought out the worst. Spoiled perverted kids...*shakes head* But they're parents are really nice and they're house reminds me of what I would someday want mine to look like. And it smelled so pretty.

Hehe me and Ruth like smoothies and we found some fruit in their freezer so we decided, hey, they won't be back for a while, we can clean up, let's do it! During crushing this mad chunk of peaches we heard the dad come in and I'm thinking, CRAP!

But they're all hippity skippity about it and say stuff like, OOo the frozen yogurt was a wise choice. Stuff like that. And they call eachother mom and dad which makes me wrinkle my nose and giggle to myself.

Back at ruth's we ate ice cream, heh, and she did stuff on the net for a bit while I watched, and they gave me a lift home. It's weird because she gave me 10 bucks for helping her babysit, I've never been paid to babysit before..Well a couple of times Josh bribed me with pickles. But yea. I like kids..I just need to not be so tired and kick in to my little kid side instead of analyzing them. Man I have an analyzing problem.

Now I'm hear tired just kind of lollygagging.

Sometimes I have this fear that people don't care as much about me as they say they do or I think they do..If it's all just fake to make me feel happy inside. ?

Most of Breathe You In by tfk

"Taking hold, breaking in
The pressures on, need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it resonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, not impersonate

Tried so hard to not walk away
And when things didn't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in

More stuff

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
And it's You"

::quoth anna:: at 10:54 PM

Thursday, August 18, 2005

haha today in the pawn shop...

Black guy picking up a cd: "Slit Your Throat, Cut your arm, what is this? Songs about OJ Simpson?"

hehe that was funny..

midway is weird, i like the east side better.

So we got my brother's laptop out of the pawn shop but now it's mine until he stops drinking and smoking, because we've had to get it out of there sooo many times. Augh.

Yesterday *yawns* was sean's party. And that was purdy fun. I had fun swimming with Pilar, Britnee, Nikki, and the guys. Sean has an awesome salt water pool with fun floaty things.

We jumped on the trampoline here and there had pizza, and watched the stupidest most ever, zoolander. augh, what a waste of time.

I guess I have nothing much else to say...

I crashed into some hmong boys riding their bikes and that reeeally hurt my foot.

Had hebrew, bought some stuff at cub, wow i'm buying more junk food as these months progress.

Hehe I was trying to open these chedder bunnies in the living room and all of a sudden they burst open and flew to the floor. And then little babooshka came and ate a few...sometimes I wish she was a farm cat, or a dog.

Man Ben Hanson is amusing. Ivy ran in while I was carrying in groceries and Ben scoots her out and then starts talking to her in spanish or something. Hehehe.

Today I am bored and tired. Oh man...if only i could take naps. But they give me headaches. And wet cars.

Haha Ezra and Ben just came home and apparently they gave some drunk guy a ride and he gave them 100 bucks. Wow, how amazing.

::quoth anna:: at 3:14 PM

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

yes i know this is the second post today, but why not?

ok sooo me and my dad went to the bank and after i casually suggested the option of eddingtons. so we got all you can eat soup, i love soup. and breadsticks. and then we went to get isaiah his stryper cd, hum, and i got thousand foot krutch's new cd! what joys! and the singer from three days grace is on a couple of the songs.

today on arthur they had the music video episode!!!! ooh what a good episode, the jekyl and hyde song and the library card one. *shakes head with a smile* lovely.

haha and i forgot to mention last night i was in cerise's car with va, isaiah, and mellissa, and cerise asked us what we wanted to listen to, and isaiah suggested tobymac's new albumn, but instead she turned on his old one. And see I have that one cause I use to listen to him ALOT like two years ago. So it was funny cause I sang to the songs and hopped around in my seat pretending to be all ghetto, because I was feeling hyper and stupid.

good times.

sean's having a party tomorrow at 6 and iunno if i should go or go irish dancing. i mean i don't exactly know how to get to stillwater. but his house is amaaaaazing. man i should steal it from them...somehow. i didn't know chiropractor's made so much.

but it gives me weird memories.

i biked around the lake today, and now i think i should go clean and do hebrew. i don't know what to do aobut hebrew during the school year. trying to learn spanish and hebrew and keep up on other subjects..oy.

and i should also make standing rock cards cause our printer doesn't work.

now i'm drinking olive juice and some just spilt down my pants. yummm garlic stuffed olives..i finished the whole thing. and ezra's being a moron. the end.

::quoth anna:: at 7:00 PM

i went to valleyfair again for the third and last time this year. it was fun, but not as fun as the first time. haha i made cerise and ruth go to the ed alanzo show, or whatever, and when al lthe lights got dark and music was playing adn the lights were flashing everywhere ruth started screaming. (as a joke) yea that was funny...

i went on the rip tide 2 times cause alot of people in our group don't like being flipped upside down, and of course the other big roller coasters countless times. and excaliber is actually fun to go on in the pitch black.

sunday was the gay shool placement thing. (?) I don't really even know how they could decide where to put us by that. Pish. And I was signed up for theater and I thought I was doing dance, but oh vell. It will be interesting. After church jon and I just went back to manda's hotel with her (she's in the process of moving) until we had to be at the gay school. We played the cup game and also the game where you fill the cup up with water and throw it at someone *cough*.

At the school we attte, and i kept the water bottle, haha. And we did our stuff...My group had to stand around a piano and sing there's no buisness like show buisness..O.o haha the turkey part.. And thankfully he didn't make us do solos.

And we had a weird get to know you type thing, and reciting some romeo and juliet. and this room where we fill out papers where i find out, oh joy, ellie from yeah is going! *not the sarcasm*

and out group got out quite early, and I saw josh downtown and it was because dad was giving him a ride home. hmm.. so i made dad do that because i thought amanda and christine would be out soon so i could say goodbye.

yea right.

jon got out quick, but manda had his stuff so he couldn't leave. and we basically played the cup game for over two hours while rachel did rather funny little girl type things, and re named us...hehe.

and sunday night. oh man. i saw someone, and that was...depressing. i can't even get in to things with that. but it's awful.

oooh saturday i went to the irish fair and almost was run over by the hearded sheep, haha, and i told ben that i almost died. we watched some weird irish preformers, and there was a kayle where we danced.

i went to the fair in the morning with my dad, and then i rode my bike around the lake and saw the hogan's who offered to bring me with, so then i went with them a second time.

friday night i hung out with manda and saw the music man. (play) haha humerous...

and i guess i just can't say enough about stnading rock, except that it was an amazing trip and so many awesome things happened!!! and we had great prayer and worship times.

and did i mention the black widows? heh..

now i have to go to the bank and maybe get string from michael's cause i gave autumn that bracelet i made at the pow wow. i miss her.

::quoth anna:: at 12:20 PM

Saturday, August 13, 2005

this song makes me think of terribly awesome times at south dakota, and it's actually kinda cool, but they sound sooo much like tfk. and if you go to their site you can hear it.

and p.s. i'll write much more later about teh missions trip, but i'm so tired.

FM Static-Definatly Maybe

I met a girl named Tara,
And she lived in the heart of America,
She liked black caddies,
Listened to Puff Daddy,
Danced until her legs were sore

She worked around the corner,
At a diner with a grouchy owner,
And her boyfriend Shady dates another girl named Katie,
He loves her definitely maybe...

Don't think I can take it,
Wake me when it's over..
Seems so far away,
I wish that it was closer...
I see you everyday,
I'm too scared to go over,
I wonder what she'd say,
I barely even know her...

Chorus
And how much longer,
Will this keep getting stronger?
I wonder what she's doing,
When I'm singing myself to sleep...
Cause he's a faker,
So see ya later,
I wonder when you'll realize that she means,
A lot more to me...

Verse 2
I saw you in the hallway,
When my last class was just over,
It was Friday, school was out,
Tonight, everything seems to be alright,
I said,
"Yo, are you goin to the party at the cove?"
She said,
"He's pickin me up at 6 again,
and I don't wanna disappoint my boyfriend"

Chorus

Bridge
And she's starin at his picture hangin in her locker,
She's tellin all the girls about all the things,
That he bought her,
I saw what really happened,
All those times he went for water,
When we were at the movie theatre,
Watchin' Harry Potter,
He had his hands on,
Every single girl he laid his eyes on,
Hate to break it to ya,
He's a pylon,
And even when he kissed her,
He was lookin over starin at her sister

haha andy and mandi...

::quoth anna:: at 1:26 AM

Saturday, August 06, 2005

EDITED AT END

ooooh *swoons* i had a lovely day, kinda.

this morning i had to wake up so early. *yawns* because aunt kathy wanted to take me out to breakfast. And I'll just say, wow, she can cry at the drop of a pin. At least 6 times she was talking about something sad in her life and tears formed in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. and she was uneasy when i told her i basically tell my family where i'm going and go, and she got all, "i worry about you and don't leave your pop out of your sight if you're in an unfamiliar place because people can take advantage of you!" well i know that, i'm not dumb, i am rather cautious around potential rapists. i asked her if she missed grandma and her siblings (looong story, only michelle would understand) and she said that she had forgiven grandma but grandma's not making an effort, and forgiveness doesn't come with reconciliation, and that's what my mom didn't understand. i'll just say, she sure still seems bitter about it even though she forgave her... and what about what my mom told me? eh, i think that maybe if i pester her about it enough she'll hate me for two years like my mom.

annnywho, then i went out with steph and kate to applebees. (kate, pishaw :P) and we then walked around the mall and kate bought some pink and black shoes, heh.

i love them.

and i gave my dad the remains of my food and shaved and went irish dancing with the hogan's! it was at this smokey irish pub in frog town, mwuhaha. Oh, I had sooo much fun, and Ben got agitated and I found that amusing. And the robertson's came and i danced with josh's mom and dad, and his dad drank beer. haha, who would have thought?

it was just marvelous, and i had fun even though i screwed up alot, but what fun that is too! and i'm starting not to mind that mentally retarded person there. when i'm irish dancing, i can't stop smiling. :D

but now i'm home and i should go pack.

oh yesterday was fun, me and manda stayed up til 4 on friday talking, (and i mean 4am on friday) about life things.

and friday night i biked around the lake, and i like doing that, and i met isaiah behind the beach and we walked home together.

i decided then to watch dateline, such a good show. they had this dateling hunt thing, and the whole show was about finding the guy who sent "julie from texas" this porn email called spunk farm with naked girls and animals. hahahaha. man that was funny. they're hidden cameras in that canadian porn district. did you know that in las vegas they had a porn convention? how wrong. finally they found the guy, some mexican who wanted to do porn buisness. wow. i found the whole julie from texas thing amusing, because after very commercial break they summed the story up with, "tonight we're trying to find the guy who spammed spunk farm porn to julie from texas." *insert smiling picture of her and her daughter here*

yea i don't even know what is wrong with me.

ok so now i'll be gone for a week to SD!!!!! pray for me my loves.

------------------------------------------

haha i'm watching 48 hours mystery and one of the weird highly suspected teenage boys reminds me of dan o..i can't spell his last name...

hehe anyways it amuses me.

::quoth anna:: at 6:08 PM

that's what my weird lime green bracelet says.

here's some pictures causee i feel like it. i was going to post more but our scanner program is being dumb.

hot dawg!

step on sean's face!

distorted

pop ad

::quoth anna:: at 12:15 AM

Thursday, August 04, 2005

thought i had deleted my blog eh? well....i...did but i didn't. it's a complicated process that you'll hear about in stories..that people read to you at night...so you fall asleep because it's flaming hot out and you have no ac.

ok? ok. here's what is going down.

I'm going through some sort of...stress, I guess we'll call it. It's been rather hard for me to get through life? Why? I don't know. But I feel that there is some sort of change amongst me that I haven't liked, or something. Not physical. But, emotionally or spiritually, not sure exactly. But I've been having those flickering thoughts of wanting to die and killing myself, but not knowing how, ect ect. And No matter what I couldn't get rid or them. It started Tuesday, I woke up..and the day started out ok...I went for a bike around lake phalen... and it just basically ended in DISASTER DESTRUCTION DILLEMA DEFTONES! *eh hem*

And that night was utterly...blah. And this fricken heat doesn't help because I can hardly fall asleep and it makes me depressed. I was so tempted to chop all my hair off and turn into one of those antisocial, hide in the shadow kinda people. and if i chopped it all of i would of course dye it red and black and put it into little pony tails, or just walk around with my head always wet so then it would look stringy.

Wednesday was better.

True, the day did start out awful, and I still wanted to fall off the face of the earth and take myself away from stress and i wanted people to forget they ever knew me, but it got better. Isaiah wanted to bike with me around the lake, so he chose the way that goes by the front of the hogan's house, long story short, they're mom and natalie and noah saw me..so i stopped to say hello, and i was invited in. isaiah at this point was long gone cause he bikes 200 feet ahead of me.

it was much fun. amanda played her tin whistle for me, i watched her mad painting skills, natalie followed us around evvvverywhere and wanted to do everything i did. like chop the broccoli, heh.. ben put tape all over noah to keep him quiet. i showed all of them a calender with some classic nude women pictures in it, hahahaha, i helped make dinner, ate carob, had the grood lime pineapple blueberry fruit smoothie yogurt thing, played dutch blitz..it was good. around 4:30 i went home to retrieve my camera or i knew certain people would bite my head off if i didn't get any pictures...

and i got there, and *sniff sniff* i smelled smoke. or pot or something. in the kitchen. i think that maybe josh came in from smoking so i ignore it and search for the phone.

i think that perhaps josh is in the basement in my dad's room cause even though my dad puts a padlock on it, josh unhinges the bolts on the other side and opens it that way... i get down to the veeeery dark deepest hidden room and josh is in there and smoke is everywhere , and he's got some weird buddy who looks around 23 with his shirt off. the buddy dude man i mean. so of course i get kinda mad cause this is way more my house then his and he is most CERTAINLY NOT about to smoke in here and get our furniture all gross smelling. So i get mad and he starts giving me his famous josh scary drunk look, and slowly rises and starts yelling at me about how mom is dead so he can smoke in the house if he wants, and meanwhile his friend is all talking a mile a minute excusing josh and saying that josh is sorry, and he just took a drag and forgot that he was in the house, all this crap.

oh i've decided i reeeeally like the term drag, and the word that brings back bad memories to me is epilouge.

sooo josh is being an idiot and i can tell he's been drinking and he has his beer leech on him, (my brothers have a bad habit of picking up friends who use them to get free beer and/or cigs) and of course he puts the cigarette he was smoking on the couch which could potentially start a fire. i can't do anything except take the cigarette outside and put it on the deck. then i leave because i've had enough of this crappy house and wish i could live with the hogan's, so nice and happy with they're health food mom who wears peach shirts and long jean skirts, like i once had.

all of my brothers think that they're the only one who misses mom, but uh not true. and i'm having a thoroughly hard (holy crap you wouldn't believe what i just wrote subconciously, definately NOT posting that) ..time too. I always have to try to inforce the rules to josh like the smoking issue if he's here. I'm trying to make sure our house is kinda clean, (ezra does clean the kitchen though now and then and make a couple meals) i'm trying to make sure isaiah doesn't starve and melnourish himself to death by buying healthy food that he ends up not eating anyways, i have hebrew homework, worries about the gay school and all the stuff i'm going to have to cram into my brain there, it's hard balancing my friends and family. iunno, i guess i feel like i have to all of a sudden take on all the worries mom had, like now i'm the mom. but it doesn't work right because i'm not and no one listens to me anyways.

*deep sigh*

i don't know. i'm still praying, and hoping.

last night i sat down and actually had one of those family dinner dealies with the hogan's. oh how nice.

and i went irish dancing with them, and realized..even though i didn't get to dance with who i wanted, i had a great time. because..i don't like anyone like THAT. and i'm not going to worry about people that way for a long time, and what's more, i don't have to.

so it was great.

but much like my mom's death it was something to help me forget about it for a while, but i came home and the problem started all over again. i still felt emotionally drained, and josh's friend is drunk and was watching me do something on the internet for nate and saying, "doing some girly website stuff?" and then he was talking about how he's heard of the holy land and oil land, and about being a father and how it comes naturally. his drunk babble was amusing i must admit, but josh was upstairs and apparently had been in the bathroom for an hour. and he's running the faucet and oy.

later i went in there and there was another pre lit cigarette, augh.

i did hebrew..so much hebrew...

leah wright called and i kinda vented to her and cried a bit. yea, yea, i know...

did more hebrew...it started storming 1 am, dad wasn't home, got worried, he came home, then i talked about some of the family issues and told him how much i miss mom and cried some more..........

went to bed at 2 and there was a nice after the storm breeze blowing through my windows.

this morning i went to hebrew, dropped off my cameras, got groceries, got water, picked up my amazing photos of lots of people, and it helped, my normal thursday routine. thursdays are kinda nice. and tonight i have to go to this standing rock thing and i'm going to show manda my pictures.

btw i won't be here next week cause i'm going to south dakota for a missions trip...you might not have known that...

and i have friday booked i think, saturday booked, and i won't be free til next saturday. great open schedule i've got going..

now i've already said too much.

what was that thing on the phone, did you post and up your blog? or something like that...

::quoth anna:: at 3:07 PM

this is a veeeery temporary change until i get out of myt weird depression.

i'm just so..depressed...and hot..can't take it really...i want to die.

::quoth anna:: at 12:52 AM