Life of Buck

Thursday, September 29, 2005

i'm sick. i have a sore throat, runny nose, stuffy head, tired burning eyes, and a cougher man.

i just want to sleeeep.

i still have two algebra sections to catch up on and other homework..

my dad is making tacos...

I'm still in this drowsy stage where I can't believe my mom is gone. Some guy left us a message, cause he was new at this church and wanted to ask my mom a couple questions on this one ministry she was doing and he left his cell phone number. And while you hear that you have to stop and think about what a great person she was and, her sweet gentle voice and loving personality. Sometimes on the bus I wish I could just be my mom and talk to those people without fear, and not be some random wide eyed highschool girl who just looks at you with hidden thoughts.

I wish when I come home on this brisk fall days I'd walk in to my mom making phone calls, I'd have a slight weary headache. She'd make some silly food Isaiah would refuse to eat like curri rice and beans or something. She would have cleaned the living room and had the nice old lamps on. And we'd read some christian character developing book. Like prison to praise or something. She'd catch me watch bad tv shows and I'd do homework. Kiss her goodnight and fall asleep.

the pilates teacher is psycho! And she basically hates our class. On Tuesday she was giving the classes grades and at the end of ours she was like, "I'm giving you a smiley face..upside down!" i wanted to burst out laughing. she's crazy weird. and everyone in the class always has a different excuse why they can't do her excersices. Come on people, might as well suck it up and try. And then they gossip about her in history. And I don't like her much either but I'm trying not to be so negative. I really want to ask a different teacher though if Mr Biskins really has a degree.

whops gotta go eat tacos.

::quoth anna:: at 5:32 PM

Monday, September 26, 2005

so we're in the middle of a family meeting right now and we're discussing rules like no porn and stuff and i updated my profile. <- that's a link.

haha our english project we taped at breanna's was greeeat. i definitely looked stupid in it but it was funny. She actually edited it pretty well. Yay, happy.

Haha today:
*us walking to the ordway*
Ian: If bread fell from the sky what would you do?
Me: Keep walking.
Ian: But it'd be free bread! And you'd pass it up?
Me: You can buy bread for like, a dollar.
Ian: But why would you do that if you had free bread!?
Me: It'd be contaminated!

Amusing child.

Me and the padre went to jamba juice today. I love that place. If I could I'd go there much more often.

Heh on the way to finding my dad I saw christine and i walked up to her and she told me how she was just thinking of how cute i was or something. And that was nice because I basically kick myself down throughout the day when I'm around all those pretty happy girls. And to have an amazing pretty girl like christine ;) tell me that, was happy. i looove you christine!

Hey last wednesday the hogan's found me at church and took me irish dancing. :D

Now I should prolly go attend to cleaning my room and doing hebrew or algebra homework..hopefully I'll be able to do it. Procrastination. Pishaw.

Random shoutouts:

Manda: I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!! You need to talk to me moooore. I love listening to you. And I'm not just saying that!! And you're gooorgeous and i love your hair and uugh, lovely! And you're unique in a very special way!
Leah: You're like a big sister that I looove! :) We watch good movies together, hehe.. I wish I could be crazy random and cool like you.
Satya: We have to talk more. *shakes head* hehe i love your hand motions when you call at me!
Christine: You know the passion that burns inside of me for you. hehehe :P anee ohevhayt aht!
Jess: ;) I like your hugs. :) And braces! fweem, sexy.
Michelle: Hehe, I love having you for a sister in law, you're amaaazing in so many ways. *shakes head and smiles*
Jon: You need to write more in your blog cause I never talk to you anymore so I don't know what's up. Pishaw. And who were you talking about on aim last night, that person at church or something.

tah end

--`--`--EDIT~#!_#(!)&#____----

Whoops, I'm sorry steph lil!! I didn't know you read this anymore, cause you never comment..

Steph Lilly: I loooove you! And wish you lived in mn again..*sigh* You're an amazing person and definitely someone I admire. Hope you have grood days with college and all. ;) Again happy belated birthday!! :D

Haha Ben's a healthy catch. He rented a bunch of Bible/Israeli movies from the library, to have Bible watching nights. oh man..amusing..

::quoth anna:: at 7:25 PM

Sunday, September 25, 2005

i'm too busy to compehend. i had fun though last night. some of us church people had a fun time at the ren fest and playing catch phrase a britnee's. and having a mocktail party! hehe, and we watched lost. good fun.

but i have to catch up on all my homewok for tomorrow and i aleady just want to sleep and it's only 8. i'm sick of this routine. i need a beak from life.

oh yea i went to this gil's house from my school o wok on a poject with some other people, and they're amazingly rich, but i'm glad i don't have thei life, case it's so empty and awful and backstabbing. fake love. fake happiness. fake freedom..

and breanna's weird skater ghetto wanna be racists kept saying, "i like this one, she's cool" about me or something. basically cause i sat in silence and when he talked to me i didn't get all girlyish flirty, but sounded like i couldn't care less if he talked to me. cause i didn't/don't. him and his friend were all, i kiss girls all the time. i cheat on my gf cause i don't care. i'm too hot.
seriously they both look alike. blond hair that does that weird flippy thing. and if you looked into his eyes you would only see the dark.
definitly not like ben hogan. *shakes head*

even though our house is like trash i'm happy it's based on love.

haha, good quote fom catchphrase.

nikki: uhh uhh peter stole this from anna
me: virginity!

(note, this is not true, and it was acually acorn, but that was the first thing that popped in to my head, haha)

i love my friends. i have good relationships where i can actually be me so i'm not quiet and so theer's not people asking me why i don't say anything.

the end

::quoth anna:: at 8:04 PM

Friday, September 16, 2005

(note: this entry may have alot of typos cause i'm typeing on a cruffy keyboard)

two for tea, and tea for two, tea for me and tea for you....

i'm listening to comfrtable liar at the moment. my pajama pants wet cause i wore them to fnl and we ran in the sprinklers after being super hot from jumping up and down. Man, Evan's band was royal! Healthy catch.

today was filled with extreme highs and extreme lows...maybe i'm moody or something. ack, the thought makes me shiver.

what not to do: trying slapping a mosqito against a crumbly ceiling with a piece of paper. abunch of paint crap will get in your eyes.

it started out well and swell, we hung out in the nook before classes. history class was hilarious because we all did little skits. and with kyle and calvin there it's gotta be funny. amazing commentary...haha.

and i walked past calvin and he was all, "striped pants, lame!" but later on he asked me if that was the cheshire cat on my shirt and i said yes and he was all, "that's awesome!" soo i was half lame half awesome today.

spanish i got all the weekend homework done. science borig as usual. i hate physical science. i like biology and stuff. literature we had to make groups to work on a project and i ended up being with ellie, brianna, ad missy...O.o preppy! oh well. they're good at heart. i don't get them though! on missy's backpack it said Jesus loves you! But she kept saying oh my god, and talking about how her first makeout was in 7th grade and all this stuff. There's a lot of "christians" at our school. meh. i'm still a loner. bouncing from group to group.

mr biskins..great teacher..we had to do a survey on the school...

sooo today we split into to groups for arts classes, theater people, and dance people. i was with satya! first our group had to go to the ordway, and sing, and learn a dance.

haha and then we went to roy wilkins and Usher's coreographer taught us hip hop. haha, it was funny being by satya.. :D this dude also did stuff with janet and michael jackson, haha... yea..

i had so much fun.

and after that i waited downtown..and got talked at by some scary guy telling me girls are beauitful and smart unlike guys. O.o

to make a long story short back here at 6:30 i had a little wet session with dashboard and my pillow. and i had one of those i remember this feeling moments. almost like a feeling like i still had a mom...or maybe it was when she died? so that made me miss her.. it's weird how i can never have her back... it's like she went on errands for the day, and i'm just waiting..and waiting..

at fnl i had some coffee and got hyper and had a grand old time jumpig around everywhere and being with amazing people.

haha merrill ended up giving me ad todd a ride home and she has some CRAZY friends. The guys were sitting in back of us, and this random guy starts stroking my hair. Hahaha, and he did it again later. It cracked me up.

yesterday me and manda walked to mba after the gay school, and it was interesting there..

peter hng out with us until like 9 and we were outside slidind down the railings and he tried stuffing himself in the paper machine. ooooh man that was funny. and he wouldn't give me back my acorn! so i had to squeak for him.

dude, i so saw isaiah and nate's friend from EI, and he remembered me from that one time i went to his house. haha that was interesting...
oh isaiah, kevin says you left your coat at his house awhile back.

yea, i'm out. too tired to think and cope. P.S. Ben hanson is awesome crazy insane! heh, he went into nate's room, turned the light off and listening to israeli worship music and yea..amazing.

::quoth anna:: at 11:10 PM

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

todaaaay i woke up at 5:30 and i thought to myself, i hate this school! i should be sleeping. the morning is always the hardest when thinking about the gay school. Getting all my stuff ready and going to the bus and all that.

But it's fun there.. History is fun. Calvin and Kyle are amusing. Spanish was ok, no big lecture that made people break their pencils today...
I've decided I hate physical science the most. Booooring.

English we read and stuff, and that's kinda slow. And algebra is fun to plug your ears and tune into learning!

We had a fun lunch in the nook and I gave satya a letter, heh..that I..misplaced..

ESS acting was much enjoyable. We had a sub and we had to do this change the channel thing, and do a story in 4 freeze frames that sums it all up.

Sing for act is ok..we're working all that jazz and i know the first two verses and chorus..

And we watched this weird movie called tootsie for speech for actors, and i sat by the unique theatre people while that went on. yea i decided to label the tables everyone was at out of boredom. the movie was made in the 80s and i hate that particular kind..the cheesy subtitles and music and poofy curly hair.

our table basically drew or read or something. ian said he'd give me a quarter to see my badge picture but i kept saying no, but he kept begging me. he's interesting..

satya, nikki, manda, and i bussed to taco house then walked over to church. church was good..greg boyd walked up to mee and grabbed the back of my neck and walked me down the hall, haha..crazy

interesting things happeend...dmario was there but i didn't say hi, i felt bad about that, but i was too shy!!! anyways.. lots of people i love were there. weee. and jon gave me his badge! it makes me happy inside.

but anyways right now i'm stressed about hebrew. (otherwise i would be just fine! why oh why do you ale me so language of the bible?) and EXTRREMELY distraught about something that happened tonight. all i can do is pray..

gottta try to look for hebrew books/do homework. night world.

::quoth anna:: at 9:17 PM

Monday, September 12, 2005

what not to do:

don't wear flipflops on a rainy day in downtown because it's most possible that you'll sleep on some marble cement stuff and slam your hand into a bar thing that covers the sewer when trying to catch yourself. and it really hurts.

haha i saw manda at grand jete when getting ballet slippers. i love that foxy woman!

school actually went really fast today, and i'm thinking to myself, this is nothing! i can do this! and algebra i actually understood and did somee problems! we're doing square roots, and it made so much sense it was fun! and i wanted to finish the section before lunch but i ran out of time..

we're reading the odyssey for english. i was studying how to write that word...

yesterday i helped peel pain off a house, i used this heat blowing thingy, and that was meh, but it was ok. the spiders would always blow away when i pointed it at them and i wanted to watch them burn up.

saturday night awww did i tell you i saw the hogans? oh man they're lovely. i'll miss them. they're moving tomorrow...no more looking at their house when i pass their street.

well gotta go to target and go out to eat. i want to cold stone and get lemon sorbet with raspberries..hmmm yummeh.

::quoth anna:: at 6:03 PM

Saturday, September 10, 2005

hmm yea i was going through home videos to find something of interest, but so far i'm just getting a headache from the must smell. and my hopes were high and then they crashed. pish.

hehe yesterday i got out of the gay school after having to pronounce a bunch of words in the proper way or something for speech for actors class, and i saw leah and nikki across the street! and my darling was dressed like a man in a suit and she drew on a mustache and a beard thingy. heh. i love her. so she took me back to her home and made me a lovely dinner and we watched fireworks and then chicago. *nods* yep it was a nice night.

and today we bopped around the internet and took a walk to a pond and hung about.
and i came home to a very hot house and brothers and stuff.

thursday i got some help with algebra and that helped but yesterday when i tried to do it it didn't make sense all over again! auuugh.

my thumb hurts.

i asked my brother and my brother's friend today when the last time they were intimate was...interesting answers.

*yawns* maaan so i don't know what to do with myself right now... i should really call pilar or ride my bike or watch more videos..

come to kenya, we've got lions!

feeeeeeeelings. it'd be nice if you saw the truth like me.

::quoth anna:: at 5:30 PM

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

augh i have to make this quick cause i shouldn't be on here so long because i still should be working on blasted algebra which is aggrivatingly hard. and take a shower.

awwwwwww *swoons* i just found out the hogans called to invite me irish dancing tonight. awww they thought of me. *is smiley* HOLY CRAP, so amanda, satya, and i were on the city bus going to church after school today and we saw people in the field in front of their house and i pointed out ben hogan to them! haha yes it was funny..

so school? oh man it's stressful and hard and i feel like i'll collapse any second from going going going. the homework piles up, algebra anyways and blllahrfsfdegf\s.

so yea if you want to know more about that..talk to me later. ha i turned my alarm off this morning and then went to lay on my bed for a second, and i closed my eyes, and the next thing i knew it was 7:15 and i had missed the bus! so i had to get myself together quite fast like and wake my dad up to take me.

oyvi.

haha and yesterday i went home with manda and we did homework and i ate their fantabulous salad and we went shopping for some pretty cool things. ;)

it was nice being at church tonight. i've missed it sooo much. and we had a mexico/standing rock thing and i got a cd of pictures! so maybe i'll post a couple sometime when i get unbusy and messed up with life.

i miss the freedom of being able to do anything any hour of the day and not being caged up. but hey i get like 2 and a half hours off of school every thursday for hebrew, even though i have none done! oy, sleep deprivation...

quotes:

manda: yep that's me, a mushroom head, i put all this make up and cut my face and sculpty it but really i'm just a mushroom.

*manda to the ben and jerry's teenager working guy*
do you cater unbirthdays?
guy: you mean like..the opposite of birthday?
her: yes.
him: uhh yea i think so?

evrynothing: where were you when we were getting high?
BareKnuckleBxer: getting even more high

wow there's so many pretty perfect looking girls there..it's..almost intimidating. and the stupid acting coach said that no one skips to the bus stop. yeeea well he's never met me and my friends. pishaw!

acting is not pretending, but you can't act out reality.

or something like that. stupid acting page: acting is not pretending, acting is not fake, acting is not lying!

haha stupid..

::quoth anna:: at 9:22 PM

Sunday, September 04, 2005

and if you cut yourself, you will, make him happy, he'll keep you in a jar, and you'll think you're happy now. you're really in a laundry room! you're really in a laundry room, mmm...

i wish for those days of happiness where I could see God in my life, and the sun shined, the house was warm and the light shown into the living room. Now I've got a ghetto looking living room Josh is reorganizing, and I feel all jumbled and my mindset in life confused. I just want all these people to LEAVE. there's.. like 6 people who don't belong or live here, here. Josh's buddy came over and iunno if they're gonna get high or something. Josh is convinced he's living here for at least the next 5 years, the freaking loser. I love him. Just not in my personal space.

I can't begin to explain how mad I am. I know this whole post sounds moronic and doesn't make sense so I'll try to make you havee a visual. I come home wednesday and there's ugly old looking furniture all over the deck, in the dining room, and two ugly couches and more dressers and crap flooding the living room. Josh finally cleaned alot of it up today though. But he INSISTS on moving our living room around. By adding this huge gaudy disply thing with a spot light and stereo on it in our old fashioned living room, and this huge ugly tan couch to our other 4 pieces of couch furniture. N-O spells NO! Our living room was perfect. And now he has everythign crowded together and smooshed and ugly furniture and I asked him how long he plans on keeping it here. Everytime I ask how long he plans on keeping he always gets this hurt look and asks me why I'm being so mean. And then I finally got a, "It's staying here," I want him to leave. He's been like smoking meth in our HOUSE the last two nights and all dad does is, if i catch you doing it again you're out of here. YEA RIGHHHHT. My dad is so passive. And Josh just gets all mad and talks about other people's problems and tells my dad how much he's cleaned here. I want to get away but I don't.

I feel emotionally damaged at the moment. Need some Jesus fixing.

School and my uhh other situation add to the stress.

I'm sorry, I'm venting a lot lately. If you could pray that he..i don't know leaves? so I can at least have a nice safe comforting house to come home to after school with peace and quiet and not cigarette smoke and a little hyper niece. Again I love them, but it's too much of a change to pile onto my already changing rapidly life. This ugly tan couch and light up massive display shelf might just contribute to me having a mental break down. And now Josh is pissed at me cause dad gave me his old laptop that he had to get out of the pawn shop a thousand times and josh never payed him back. He feels I'm too little or don't deserve it or something.

On a happy note church was really nice, oh except for the part where we had to walk there in the rain because Ezra drove the car off cause of anger towards josh. Heh, I got there and there was only boys sitting in the back row, and I sat by peter, and he amuses me. I was eating a circly mint and he looked at me funny. And after service I gave him one and he started turning red and his eyes were watereing cause apparently it was too minty hahaha. Man gotta love that kid. And I was feeling a little down when we were sitting in the gathering area. I thought to myself, "I'm only here for another hour and then back to my house. I'm going to go home to Josh and be yelled at for numerous things and see our ugly once a home. Why even bother becoming happy and then be shut off? I want to stay safe here forever on this floor." But..I decided to liven up and laugh for at least some of the day. And the guys were playing with Manda's make up, and looking in bad magazines. (haha) and yep. And afterwards my dad and I went to chipotle with his friends again and they gave us a ride home. We discussed greg's supposably baaad sermon.

And last night. Jon I'm sorrrrry!

::quoth anna:: at 7:47 PM

Saturday, September 03, 2005

hmm gay school. that place is......hmm i don't know. i like it but i don't. i love it but i hate it. doesn't make sense? i know. here i'll make a list.

cons-

homework
waking up at 6am
staying until 4:30
not having any classes with anyone
the hebrew thing??
my algebra and pilates teacher
the theatre, i'm so switching to dance
if my dad doesn't get these new work hours i'll hardly ever see him this school year
algebra..
i'll have to buy terrible dance clothes so that the teachers can see the form of our bodies, ooooyvi, hate.

pros-

seeing amanda, christine, satya, and jon if he keeps going :P
having a schedule, and right now getting away from josh
taking the city bus is super fun
i love downtown st paul
the nook
i like how our school looks like a castle
learning i guess
dance is really fun
being able to witness
meeting new people
i'll also be close to leah's school

hmm maybe i'll think of more later.

yesterday in spanish, lit, and science i sat by the same people. this girl name allyssa, eh spelling, charlotte, and this weird guy named mike and in spanish a guy named jimmy, but he's in 10th and that's all he has with us. i dont know how they feel about me though, ho hum. i keep having to tell my teacher's my name is pronounced ON A, and not anna. and then in lit when i did it as usual they made a joke about me just getting mad one day and yelling, it's anna dang it! but they said something instead of dang that i'd rather not repeat. cause it uses God's name in vaaain. And no it's not like I'm going to start hanging out with these crazy swearing secular people all the time and kill my whole life, but it's nice to feel wanted a little. oh well. i don't have any classes with anyone, anyone being jon satya manda or christine, but somehow i'm surviving and i guess it's an oppourtunity to get to know other people. i was talking to this ghetto girl yesterday who sat by me in algebra about her dad and how he died and she was happy aobut it and her church and stuff, and she asked me if i went to church and if i liked it and i said yes. and we played this game in science where we draw 5 pictures that decribe us and so one thing i drew was a cross in the middle of two others and this one preppy girl got it and she was suppose to write what she thought i meant and then introduce herself to me. and she put God/church down. Soooooo, I need to continue to work on not being embarrased or afraid of what people think about me being a christian, and i need to be stroooong. Give me strength Lord!!!

I decided I didn't want to come back to this pot hole last night so I took the bus home with Amanda, another good thing about the school, i could sleep over at people's houses and just go to school with them the next day. Or they could at my house. mrft.

And it was nice and peaceful there. In a different sort of way. We had hot doooogs and pickles for supper. yay. i love pickles.

and me amanda did our nails and i feel girly now, heh. they're orange pink and lime green and i made different black markings on them, haha q...

i carry things that remind me of you. in loving memory of the one who was so true. you were kind as you could be....i never knew what it was to be alone, no, you were always there for me, you were always waiting. and now i come home and it's not that same, it feels empty and alone, i can't belieeve you're gone..you're apart of me.

hahaha the crazy goth guy jon that you looked back at and laughed to yourself that one time. i'm pretty sure. talked to me. satya and i were in the elevator with that paint on our hands and he asked me about it and was all, i want my handprint on the canvas! in this gay voice, mehehe... and his locker is like two away from mine and it was funny..

him: did you see that drunk walking around outside?
me: no?
him: yeeeea, he offered me some vodka and i was like, no..no thank you!

HAHAHA oh it was one of those had to been there moments, his voice when he said it was just so funny. and i noticed he has lots of pictures of him and his firends in the locker. and i want to decorate mine. dude! i so know how to do the locky combinations now.

so today i don't know what to do with myself. i guess if i called i could go irish dancing. maybe i should? iunno..

if i stay at the school i need ballet, and jazz shoes, jazz clothes, a leotard, tights. groooooooooooooooooss. man i hate tight clothes.

all i have to say..maybe i should clean something to keep my mind of josh or something. my dad went to go get water! some help..and he was reading my brother's journal, and ha, the title was interesting....

jewish boys, the hottest around!

::quoth anna:: at 11:18 AM

Thursday, September 01, 2005

i just endured a 8-4:30 and even more because of josh, hour day downtown, and at school. i like the ballet...but the education..!? It's hard in a they don't teach you anything figure it out for yourself, kinda way.

i miss my mommy like you wouldn't believe. And I miss my dad because I really haven't seen him much the past week. I want someone to hold me and advice me.

I want Jesus. I want Him to tell me what to do..I need prayer. And I need to pray.

::quoth anna:: at 6:41 PM