Life of Buck

Saturday, December 24, 2005

you know what's cool? it feels like any other night, not christmas eve. and i like that because i hate commericalism.

but i had a good past couple of days.

friday i selpt in and ended up finish my christmas shopping, well mostly..
and i took a looong walk, and it was so gorgeous out.

i wrapped presents and then natalie picked me up and i went to her house that eve. we had homemade pizza groodness! then nat, andy, naomi and her friend (and natalie's dad) all drove to the mall and wandered around for a little bit. and i got a duke sweater! it's kinda big but i'm hoping it to be comfy and just you know, big and lovely. i love duke..haha, because i pick them to win in college basketball every year even though i have no idea what i'm doing, but once they won! duke nuke-em baby!

we came back, i took a shower, we talked and slept around 12:15ish.

we woke up 7:30ish this morning and got ready to go skiing!!!!!!!

so yea, to sum that up i went skiing for the first time in my life! and i didn't hurt myself! whoooa, and i went down the advanced people slopes, and that would of been so hard for you to believe if you saw me starting out. oh man, i could barely slunk around in those things. but i'm sort of self driven.

the car ride back was much fun haha...andy made my message machine for my voicemail so maybe if you're lucky you'll hear it sometime. oh man..*laugh* he's pretty amazing. and natalie too of course!

back there we had a lovely dinner and then natalie and me played around with this candle on their table with our cameras and andy messed with the fire and drew it and stuff. it was a lovely time. and now i'm home, and i heard the happy song, so i'm motivated! i'm gonna clean house..

thursday was the last day of school for like forever which makes me *sigh quite sad. i'm gonna miss finke and jay and elle and having manda there and such stuff.

on a postitive note i went out for coffee with some people afterwards, but not for long.

things are positive right now, just focus on Jesus and how much He's blessed me, and everything will be amazing.

some pictures from the time.

my comfort taste and smell is mint orbit gum or trident regular mint gum

christmas tree of doom!

andy pretending to smoke a chocolate stick

natalie focusing on her camera

the candle we couldn't stop playing with

andy drawing the candle

::quoth anna:: at 8:19 PM

Thursday, December 22, 2005

a post

candles and lights are good to capture

now for the poem i wrote..

the title is pending but so far i have it as sealing wax-by aekb

Can you be left alone in insecurity?
We might achieve closing up to the public even more
Straining our minds to think of an excuse
You just want the pain to go away that's rendering you sore
Can we kick out the dream hemmed into our minds?
Unstitch the lace that gives it beauty
Stepping out of your way to fashion it as ugly
After all, it is your theological duty
Can you fall in love with someone you're not suppose to?
Simply slip into a mindframe of doubt
Coaxing your head to believe what is untrue
You can bite down hard on grief so easily...
Can you dream about someone who should only be seen?
Is it possible to forget their face, hat, or eyes?
To erase the memory of their weary, yet revealing smile
Can't you just burn the memory until it dies?
Can you really portrait the hope that they'll stay?
When they come back it will all be the same
Fathom they could remember you after a while
The thought it unconsequently lame
Can I just shut up?
Die like a defroster in an already frosted car
Pin up my lips like a mistaked rip
Hide in your closet and say you got far
Can I leave this place without a persisting nip?
Walk away without glancing behind
Storm away without needing the shine
Chew the thoughts from my mind
Can I please just forget you?
I don't want this feeling to guide me
Don't want to remember you
There's more that I should see.

::quoth anna:: at 7:43 PM

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

so i really don't know how much i can take of everything. i don't feel like a mature person anymore, i don't want to be right now. i feel like a little girl who just wants eerything to be happy again. i hate pushing everything going wrong to the back of my mind and choking it down. i just want to curl up in my bed and have my mommy. it's so hard not to feel empty. everything is confusing. everyone is at war and i can't make anything better. i want to desperately though to..

i can't even put into words how much i wish mom was here to make everything better. the closer i get to christmas the worse it gets. everything about it is terrible.

no mom no mom no mom.

and what's more? i'm having trouble pushing away some feelings i definitely shouldn't have.

and shcool gets out tomorrow for break. i'm excited yes, but when i come back everyhting will be different, i won't be as comfortable as i am like now cause it will take a while to warm up. and i'll loose relationships. and the schedule is changing. i'll be gone for like 3 or 4 weeks for j term and break and stuff.

it sucks. i'll be around here more...and yea. i just need to shut up.

i wrote a poem today.

::quoth anna:: at 11:39 PM

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

here's a quote from one of my amazing brothers whom i love dearly.

"Anna your the most moronic little 14 yr old I have known. Stay out of adult talk! You are young and dum so please dont commit on my site because if you do then I am never giving you rides to places like I have been. You are so stuck up it makes me sick."

(Typed btw)

And what's weird? He writes this and before i read it and talk to him he acts like eveything's cool. i feel he's living in this fantasy, tell-everyone-off dreamworld, but he's not that person in real life. ..yea so now i have to choke back tears and wtach him make out with his so called girlfried who reminds me almost exactly like brenda, and wonder why my dad won't do anything when i tell him to.

and why am i so forgiving. ezra's not, i am. i must of inherted his supply.

iunno. at least he capitalized my name when he wrote to me? and i guess now i know for sure he doesn't want a christmas present from me. ..or even me?

good movies:

king kong
narnia
cinderella man..yes yes
march of penguins

bad movies:

syriana
dukes of hazard

and michelle sorry i haven't returned your calls yet (and sim) sorta bad timing, but i'll try calling tomorrow hopefully because i'm not sure if i'd wake you guys if i did now..

another good note..i saw the nutcracker at the historic theater place and it was so beautiful and gorgeous.

::quoth anna:: at 11:06 PM

Friday, December 16, 2005

man i'm such a pointe poser.

that was actually pilar's.

i want to go to the nutcracker ballet on monday..we got free tickets from school. we always get free tickets to see things, like the boyfriend and stuff.

hey i got tagged by christine..

5 weird habits about Myself!

Ground Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a xanga entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their xanga IDs. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "You are tagged" in their xanga and tell them to read yours!

1: I use to hang out in my closet ALOT. writing poems and in my journal and my Bible and mellowing out in there on that big blue pillow, sometimes curling up and wanting to fall asleep on the floor in the dark with the door closed.

2: I collect bottles and pop cans

3: I also keep everything sentimental to me, which is everything that gives me a good memory

4: i don't use a fork to eat my pizza O.o

5: i often do ballet when i'm standing waiting for something..

and something you don't know about me:
i can actually be kinda snappy to my family. but not always, usually when i'm trying to unwind on the computer and they're talking to me, and i'm not paying attention and yea..otherwise i think i'm ok.

today and yesterday were GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD DAYS!

although the car stalled at hebrew and i skipped my 6th period arts class i talked to satya for a little bit when waiting for the classes to switch, and then i hopped over to roy wilkins. pilates was ok. i love making my abs stronger. ballet was sooo much fun because christine's class joined ours, and she's so cute!! her and stephanie helped me prepare for my ballet exam. which i think i did ok at, and for our bonus round, she was trying to think of a hard thing for me to do because i'm actually worthy of something hard! (well in our beginning class)

and today the academics went by fast. i had cold pizza for lunch. and the friday arts classes were so much fun!!! i was in this "audition" with alot of other people and satya, and we had to do solos and learn a little dance but i think i actually did ok, like i was comfortable. And then..we got an early release!! yea, like 2:30. some of us went to starbucks than tried on prom dressed at marshall fields and then i just left. i got home before 4. m-azing.

and tonight i went to cosettas and had amazing fun times with Shirley.

so yep..that's me.

wednesday was weird. sean got his license! and he drove me home. craaazy.

ciao.

::quoth anna:: at 10:12 PM

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

i actually wrote a poem just now..haven't in a while. i feel lonely in this house. i wish someone was about. i love Jesus.

yes...

My disgrace-

pushing myself through the hall
often forcing my legs to move
never the oppourtunity to stall
they nudge you in the wrong direction
the right one is just beyond the door
where the chill picks up
sliding quickly into my inner core
and i'm left in lonely shivers
truth be told...
i handed you a lie
what does the truth hold?
a lightning bright amount of anger
and what freezes me up every time?
your naive steps..words..thoughts
just stay in line
that's all i beg of you
lest i collapse

yes..well. i find it lovely how no one will ever know what i was talking about in that poem but it's buried in the stitches of those words, so you COULD see, but you just can't.

i recieved 2 new cds from ebay which is good. Man..where is Ben these days? I need his comfort, I need to be cracked up, but I never see him.

i know what i need..i need to get off this blasted thing, it's driving me to insanity. wouldn't it be amazing to get to bed by 9:30. WOW. what a thought..i've decided i'm jealous of manda's down comforter and i need to get one. and an alarm clark that wakes me up by birds chirping. i'm so sick of the BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEEP mine makes.

::quoth anna:: at 8:10 PM

Monday, December 12, 2005

so yea we now have a christmas tree.

and do you know what!??!?!

mostly me and my dad finally got the living room cleaned and that crap furniture moved OUT. so our house actually looks like mom would live there again. well the living room anyways. well the last time i left it which was this morning.

i'm so hungry..we have no food in our house. so i'll go grocery shopping after school. but i want to go to that concert thing manda's going to tonight. twould be fun..

and natalie borrowed me some books so i have good/helpful reading material.

in other words..i have algebra again next and i haven't been understanding some of it...so..i'll ask the scary man we call teacher. hopefully he's feeling a little less happy today, otherwise i fear the worst.

yesterday i went to a murder mystery diner! and decided i so need to have one. but i could only have like 8 people which sucks..
but the food was soo good, and the people quite amausing, and they had lots of wine. 4 emus! yes that's a wine brand name...one glass was good for me.

i can't/can wait to be an adult because than i'll have one of those houses with amazing food inside of them, and sweet modern furniture from those stores you see in seattle and multiple wine bottles in one of those holders and could have a glass with my meal anytime i wanted. because it's that good.

i saw narnia finally..! such a grood movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::quoth anna:: at 11:24 AM

Friday, December 09, 2005

so i've basically been having one of those weeks where everything that can go wrong will and it bites down harder and harder until finally it crushes you. and tonight at sara's party it hurt. i think it's also a lot to do with the fact that i'm tired and my major dissapointment about last night, and boys, and my house is a complete mess and no one helps, and isaiah keeps going into my room when i tell him not to and laying on my bed and loosing my cds, and that i can't even begin to describe, how much that irritates me. and also i'm one of those people who needs alone time otherewise i die around people and i've been going this whole school year without that habit, which is weird. and satan keeps messing with my mind telling me that Jesus is mad or sad at me because I haven't been spending much time with him, to the point where i'm just further away from Him, but really He's patiently waiting for me to get away from myself. And I'm so SICK of acting classes because i SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK! at acting. and basically dance. so why am i even at this school? i feel i'm getting nowhere because our friggen teacher just uses the people he already knows are good and doesn't really encourage us it seems or gives us an equal oppourtunity. and yea..

And this all doesn't make sense because it's random ker plunks from my mind.

in a better note, manda and me skipped school on thursday and went to hero. and that was great fun. except the very end is always boring when they vaccuum up and just lulling around mindlessly. but consumer math is probably the best class ever. definitely better than mr buesgens and his gargoyle rapist breath.

card games were always good. and caleb norman is a very interesting person...O.o

heed! get the paper!

wow..i really need sleep...

::quoth anna:: at 11:33 PM

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

or so nate says.

so today our school went to julie andrew's press conference and i was like 15 feet from her. my cell phone took crappy pictures though...oh well.

in other news josh won't stop calling my cell phone, even when i'm in school because he's seriously on something. i answered once an he said he was at the airport and people were out to get him and called him a child molestor on the bus..and OH MAN.
that man.. And now apparently the police are looking for him because he killed babies, what??

i love him, but oh man.

not much more to say..it's been a ho hum week.

last night before bed i went through my old journal, and my journal i kept when i was in israel, and it made me laugh at myself and remember those days. So when I was Israel it was at a convocation and people from all over the world came to pray for Israel and their countries, which was a good experience to meet lots of people. Like from ethiopia, nijeria, australlia, africa, all that stuff. (most of the africans spoke french..twas odd at that time)
Anyways I sorta met this one guy named John and he was 15 going on 16 in a couple of months and I was 11. Despite this though I had this huge crush on him. Ha..oh man...apparently every time i saw him he would raise his eyebrows up at me. And I think I was almost convinced he liked me. I probably convinced myself heh. He was from Indiana and I knew his last name and that the guy who sat in front of him on the airplane probably didn't believe in deodorant. oh man..and i always wanted my mom to say, "she's in her twelfth year" to try to trick people into thinking i'm older. oh man was i stupid. anna, you're 11, he's 15! but i guess the whole experience made me smile now.

and my other silly little journal posts i made in my regular journal. i thought i was so wise then, but now i look back and laugh at how dumb and loserish i was.

so yea.

-----------

haha..

me: guess what i met julie andrews today
ben: who's that?
me: you know, the lady in sound of music and mary poppins.
ben: oh that lady who goes, a tea?
me:..yea..

later

ben: anna met mary poppins today
nate: i know she told me

haha oh man..

::quoth anna:: at 5:27 PM

Sunday, December 04, 2005

myspace is so weird. i got this bulletin and you're suppose to repost the month you were born and it's suppose to describe you..i decided not to waste people's times there and post it here cause it sorta almost applies..

"FEBRUARY:

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift."

the last couple of lines are confusing though..and the who rebellion thing and stubborn..yes not really those.

it's so weird how this weekend was so fun but i get home and it seriously seems like someone died. i'm just waiting for my dad to tell me my cat died or something. everyone is so downcast and..strange..and brothers..yea..

but saturday was great fun with satya and manda, we made words in the snow by the park by satya and swung on the swings and went down the slippery slides. and i looked like a stupid little puff child because i had all the stupidest snow clothes she could borrow me on. so yea..
but it was fun and we mauled eachother down and ran and their both cute...

and we watched so i married an axe murderer and baked cookies. and supper! OH MAN! we had steak. it was an amazing meal.

today church was ok..we did some praying.

i ended up going home with nat unexpectedly and that also was delightful. we talked some and then i ate lunch with their family, interesting conversations. and then nat went upstairs to work on worship lyrics for covenant groups while andy, and i talked in the living room, and naomi (her sister) said random things here and then. it makes me laugh though because everytime naomi says something two seconds later andy is like, "shut up nom!" and goes back to talking. oh man..amusing. we talked about how much sundays suck. and good stuff like that.

then he and his parents left and i tried on this dress..;) and did some homework while natalie finished up.

when they got home natalie drove (whoa) to small group with her dads guidance, and Andy and I talked about in the back. we went to SA and got coffee and green tea..grood stuff.

and then the car trunk popped open and andy tried to tell me the car blew up, and at first i didn't believe him, but then he gave such great detail so i thought it was true. but it wasn't. so i told him he should be a writer. and natalie said, you tell him anna! and so i did, again.

small group was fun, people were knitting, lots of stuff, we had worhsip..and yea here i am. back again..

to this stupid life reality schoolness.

::quoth anna:: at 10:38 PM

Friday, December 02, 2005

a thought...

so how was the christmas banquet you ask? much better than expected. and yes i went to leah's house early from school and we got all lovely and stuff and then..church.

i didn't eat that much due to a sugar high on starbucks before hand and..you know i just felt dishuffled. now i regret it because i'm very hungry..*sigh* i should have gobbled down those ribs...

dancing was crazy fun, and me and leah froliced down the halls and sang. yep..good times. :)

some pictures...

ahh yes the glasses..

what splendor!

natalie and todd love stroking balloons

leah flies!

peter being peter

you know you're jealous of sean

merrill, hot stuff!

peter decided it'd be a good idea

mmm getting high off the fog machine

so yea some snippets of that. i have some amazing videos. one chich includes natalie telling us how she was sniffing rubber cement in english class because she likes the smell. hehe, how many times have i heard that story?

::quoth anna:: at 11:43 PM

Thursday, December 01, 2005

so the joke of today at school was about the registered level 3 sex offender who dropped his cell phone (or according to miss cassirly was watching adam pick it up) right by the roy wilkins door. so yea, he's one of those old scruffy guys who has nothing better to do than watch little kids. so everyone was extra freaked out about walking outside and people on the streets. another thing to add to my getting raped and getting aids fear.

school seems to consume me and i spend my my hours of life on it. i get home and have 2 hours at least worth of homework so i can't even play anymore..and i'm there until 4:30. sometimes i wonder why i go. it seems like it's a waste...

*me eating olives*
ben: are those olives you're eating?
me: no ben it's chocolate
ben: really? *squints*
me: ..no Ben
Ben: oh..*sigh* i thought it was for a second there..

it's easier to think about happy things then everything else quaking my world.
everything else...

christmas banquet tomorrow..should be interesting. in the negative way perhaps.

me and manda almost went to hero today and skipped school, but i decided i couldn't with hebrew and stuff...

memories are what i have left of you..

i had another mom dream last night. she always holds me in them..sometimes they seem so real, like she'll be there when i wake up.
but i'm left here silent, while everyone else takes their problems out on me or blames her death for crap they do.

more kmax goodness..

"...and i want everything to stay ( i wanted to stay)
the same as yesterday
i want everything to stay the same ( i want it to stay)

love is a deadly potion
stabs the heart and bleeds emotion
and now nothing is the same again

oh the politics of love
oh the politics of love and not feeling loved
i know you, you doubted me all along
even when i told you that you were the one
and in the street i left a lonely rose
that no one knows, and no one knows, and no one knows
but me

i want everything to stay
the same as yesterday
want everything to stay the same

love is a deady potion
stabs the heart and bleeds emotion
love is a chain reaction
we just thought it was attraction

and i never wanted to change ( and now you forced me)
and i never wanted to change ( and how you forced me)

and i know it for a fact."

::quoth anna:: at 6:37 PM