i haven't posted in so long that i doubt anyone's going to check this for a post. perhaps whoever stumbles upon this rant will find it another 6 months from now.
wherever i look in my life i feel as though i find doubts and failures on who i am.
(side note: why is everyone walking around this school in baker hats with ducks on them?)
there's just so many things i can never perfect, i can never get them right.
i'll never be able to dance perfectly enough on command so that i can impress those who are judging me. and its like yea, i know i should "do it for myself" but what can that accomplish in the rest of this world? maybe its pointless. i don't know.
relationships are just another thing that seem to go over my head. i seem to screw up friendships without any intention of doing so. somehow i manage to push people away without saying anything. and the people that i somehow manage to impress probably see some fake aspect of me that i want them to believe exists. am i really so cute and quirky and giggly as i let on? i feel like the answer is not so much. i'm more instinctively negative and if it was always my responsibility to make conversations, they would probably consist of deep materials. so many people just want to laugh and have fun though, and yea i want that too but it just doesn't come naturally. and i hate faking like it comes naturally to me. i hate faking. i hate faking who i am to imress people but that seems like it hasn't even worked because its like, whatever random person i do end up admiring with my affection never seems to return it. and then i'm just stupid and i end up liking the same person for months when they don't see the relationship like that at all.
whatever whatever whatever.
i should be spiritually well but it feels like i haven't learned a drop of information from this past weekend or i just haven't accepted or applyed it.
sometimes i hate being "mature" becase i always make the responsible decision and know how to deal with situations wisely because of everyone else's mistakes and i can't make my own cause i know that everyone would be dissapointed. but shouldn't it just be natural for me to learn and be carefree on my own? or have i just missed the whole point. i don't know. its not like i'm actually ever going to do something unpredictable cause apparently i'm predictable. that word makes me cringe though, because i can envision those stupid teen magazines that i rarely read but still engrained some of their information into my head, declaring that guys want a cute flirty athletic fun funny adventerous girl. somehow i just don't feel like half of those adjectives describe me...
whatever whatever whatever.
ok i'm done with this girly rant, and i'm sure in like a week i'll be over it-well not over some things but i'll just block these thoughts out of my mind until they start popping up again and i'll have to deal with them then.
