hop on a buck!

dance dance thoughts

2009-05-11T18:26:00.003-05:00

final thoughts: whatever

2008-05-19T14:46:00.003-05:00

i haven't posted in so long that i doubt anyone's going to check this for a post. perhaps whoever stumbles upon this rant will find it another 6 months from now.

wherever i look in my life i feel as though i find doubts and failures on who i am.

(side note: why is everyone walking around this school in baker hats with ducks on them?)

there's just so many things i can never perfect, i can never get them right.
i'll never be able to dance perfectly enough on command so that i can impress those who are judging me. and its like yea, i know i should "do it for myself" but what can that accomplish in the rest of this world? maybe its pointless. i don't know.

relationships are just another thing that seem to go over my head. i seem to screw up friendships without any intention of doing so. somehow i manage to push people away without saying anything. and the people that i somehow manage to impress probably see some fake aspect of me that i want them to believe exists. am i really so cute and quirky and giggly as i let on? i feel like the answer is not so much. i'm more instinctively negative and if it was always my responsibility to make conversations, they would probably consist of deep materials. so many people just want to laugh and have fun though, and yea i want that too but it just doesn't come naturally. and i hate faking like it comes naturally to me. i hate faking. i hate faking who i am to imress people but that seems like it hasn't even worked because its like, whatever random person i do end up admiring with my affection never seems to return it. and then i'm just stupid and i end up liking the same person for months when they don't see the relationship like that at all.

whatever whatever whatever.

i should be spiritually well but it feels like i haven't learned a drop of information from this past weekend or i just haven't accepted or applyed it.
sometimes i hate being "mature" becase i always make the responsible decision and know how to deal with situations wisely because of everyone else's mistakes and i can't make my own cause i know that everyone would be dissapointed. but shouldn't it just be natural for me to learn and be carefree on my own? or have i just missed the whole point. i don't know. its not like i'm actually ever going to do something unpredictable cause apparently i'm predictable. that word makes me cringe though, because i can envision those stupid teen magazines that i rarely read but still engrained some of their information into my head, declaring that guys want a cute flirty athletic fun funny adventerous girl. somehow i just don't feel like half of those adjectives describe me...

whatever whatever whatever.
ok i'm done with this girly rant, and i'm sure in like a week i'll be over it-well not over some things but i'll just block these thoughts out of my mind until they start popping up again and i'll have to deal with them then.

ok then..

2007-07-30T16:14:00.000-05:00

wow, it's been way too long since i last posted. since i was in school. ick..school. summer is going by way too fast. tomorrow is august and august is the month that goes the fastest in the summer! dang i'm screwed.

well here's some lyrics that describe how i'm feeling about somebody. don't worry, it's nobody who reads this.

cope-a-lope

Quiet now, your voice seems miles away
Yet somehow, I hear your song resound
A little bit softer each day
And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away

I’ll sing along
The whole day through
Just do your best to hear me
It’s all you can do

You have my attention
Like you’ve had all the while
Since that first day when you made my heart smile
With loving eyes and tired sighs that flow
You have my attention
Like a shout through an empty sanctuary
Speak but a whisper

I’ll hear a sermon
I’ll sing along, the whole day through
Just do your best to hear me
It’s all you can do
I’ll sing along, the whole night through
While you sleep safely
I’ll be thinking about you

You have my attention

soaphead

2007-05-18T10:32:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted anything here for a while. Yikes, I guess life is just busy and I have a facebook now so I prefer to go on that when I use the internet.

Is life good? It's hard question to answer with a hard answer I suppose. I feel like I've lost a lot of my friends but i guess it's just me and not reality. especially now with finals and all and everyone planning for college and graduations and changes it's easy to lose contact. but i don't remember it being like this last year. maybe because some are graduating now that weren't last year. ugh. growing up is so weird. i feel like i've been the same person in this skin since i was in kindergarden. just watching the world change around me and changing with it. i can't resist it no matter how hard i try, but i wish things could stay the same and i wish i didn't have to make life changing choices at this age.

i like school though. i like dance, and things are more fun. i kind of feel like a slacker because i have all this homework building up that i haven't been doing and it's going to suck when finals and stuff are due in a couple of weeks. there's a lot of finals. including a song i have to sing in spanish, ick. ok let's get through this. i'm excited for summer and time, but i'll miss dance and school friends that i never seem to communicate with during the summer. isn't that funny that it's so terribly hard to get together with someone from school, even though you have way more time to do it. people go on vacations and stuff i guess.

so yea there's my input, output or whatever.
on another note i think house is my new favorite show, because it's just that wonderful.

"everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"

the vision

2007-04-06T11:36:00.000-05:00

It's a quiet Friday morning and the last weekday of spring break. Which, makes me very sad because it's almost over and it's gone much too quickly. In a way I'm excited to go back to school, do the whole daily routine thing again, do dance, see my dance track, and other wonderful people that go to spcpa. I don't think I'll ever be excited to do homework and do geometry and spanish. Yuck... Sitting through history class, very boring.

Right now I'm waiting for the lunch hour so I can heat up matzo ball soup, and I'm listening to some of the sermon's I haven't heard at woodland hills. Our new youth pastor Seth has a really calming voice that makes you feel like your very smart when you're listening to it. It's a sort of, profound voice. Very similar to Rob Bell, and the nooma videos we watch. I love those movies so much. They really make you think of the vast concepts of the L-rd.

I really wish I spent more of my daily life reflecting on G-d and His beauty and splendor, but then life just distracts you, or you allow it to distract you. Honestly, I could spend and make so much of my time with Him, but I deceive myself into thinking that I'm busy and I don't have those minutes to spare. What do I do instead? Sit around, go on the computer, dawdle, think about all the homework I have to do, oh that's a big one. Instead of just doing it, I think about it and somehow I figure that because I'm thinking about doing it, I'm making progress? Tcha, yea right.

Anyways just a few thoughts to mention. I leave you with some pictures, and Joakim Noah, one of the players for the NCAA winner of 2006 and 2007, Florida. Yay. Maybe Duke will win next year though?

at an amazing Japanese restaurant

i like food

raw tuna is gross, raw salmon is better

pointe=love

ruther cold

bella-rina

i love flowers...

..even when you have to go to the zoo to see them

(jim-bob noah)

downtown amongst other things

2007-03-09T17:52:00.005-06:00

So today I'm feeling a picture post. Today and yesterday were amazing and so I took a bunch of pictures, here's some of them.

This is a half eaten hippo.

The Gorgeous landmark

Mailboxes :)

Snowy Stairs

Sharing the Snow Together

A couple weeks ago me manda and todd having "crack breath" (joke)

yes i love dance, so now I don't know what I'm going to do for next school year? PSEO or not? I'm bad at making decisions. Carrie and i went to caribou today and I took 5 minutes just to decide what I wanted. Hmm oh well.
I think I'll go clean.

finally I surrender

2007-03-03T13:12:00.000-06:00

You're the reason that I breathe, You're the reason that I move, You're reason that I'm here, singing to You.

I love IHOP
and i didn't realize how much I missed it until after watching this--

it's from the one thing conference I went to at the end of December. It's AMAZING, and so is Jesus.

my soul long for You, my soul longs for You, nothing else will do, nothing else will do...

You'll come like the rain.

a word from squatting fawn/Daisy

2007-03-02T15:44:00.000-06:00

It's a snow day today, but it's almost over and it seems to have gone so quickly from my grip. But that's ok because I slept in til almost 12 this morning and I have some hardcore rockstar caribou movie watching night plans with some amazing people. ;)

some joy.

2007-02-15T21:00:00.000-06:00

procrastinating studying for my history test, but i will go do it after i post these pictures. i was enjoying them a lot this eve, and i really love my friends alot.

i love hearts. hehe

you betchya bottom dollar

sweet deal

*sings a song*

me, generally always drooling over food, and pilar just fascinated by it all

tampons, what?

there are just no words for us

the highlight of my day-everyone at school got a certificate for a free chipotle burrito at the chipotle by school. NUMMY!

it 's only a shadow...

2007-02-08T19:59:00.001-06:00

So back to normal school again, what is that? It's so depressing because I know I'll have tons of homework that I do this semester that I'll forget about it later but will stress over it now. And then, it's just more stressing loads each year you move up. So I'm thinking, man I can't wait til I'm done with all of this school. But by that time you're in your mid twenties and you realize all your youth with no responsibilities just passed by, and you're at a harder part of life. I hate how life seems to get harder, not easier. Tcha, kindergarten homework compared to 12th grade homework, there's a huge mountain to slowly clime. Then college...

Whenever I think about school and the repetition of it all I just feel like jumping off a toilet seat. or something like that.

or i could jump on it..haha! I'm super excited for selah. Just hanging out and playing mafia, and worship, and good meals every day. *sigh* love.

So back to my initial track, I'm having so much fun with dance! I've had a couple intense modern classes, and ballet today was a little hard and brutal because everything is sore, like my calves. "jazz" (but really colleen's mellowed down hip hop) was wonderful, especially doing stretching with her wonderful music, and leaps across the floor. I want to leap everywhere! And I need to practice my cartwheel to the right.

Oh but I'm super sad because they put me in Honors Geometry when I suck at it, and I don't have mr strand's class anymore which makes me so sad because that was my favorite class and it had some amazing people in it.

mr pena seems like a better spanish teacher though. it sucks having spanish at the wilkins though. i went through a downtown underground secret passage way today!

at any rate i'm 16. and sim is 30, and that's life for you.

doens't this make you hungry for a pb and j sandwhich?

finishing the work i've started..

2007-01-28T23:51:00.000-06:00

i'm so scared yet so excited for tomorrow to come.
who knows what it will hold.
but i'm about to find out.
if i can sleep through this night unlike the last couple of nights due to impatience.

Follow, into the open air

2007-01-26T17:45:00.000-06:00

Follow, into the open air
Far from squalor and noise
Follow, someone is waiting there
Someone who shares all your hopes
And your joys

You know what I hate about death? It takes the most unsuspecting, the one that had some future left in them, the one that can be sitting right next to you, while you're just fine. And then I hate the feeling you get when you've realized this. And then you wonder, if not them, why not me? Perhaps I could suddenly have an encounter with it, and what's keeping me stable? It feels like I'll continue on forever here, but I know it's not possible. So when will the terror come?
Then you feel so confused and jumbled and tumbled and you might as well just take a journey down to urinetown while your at it.

It's also interesting to see how people deal with death. Some are speechless, some cry, some babble about all the negative things involved, and others just feel bewildered.

Speaking of urinetown, it's..good? I mean, I'm starting to get over my initial shock of the scipt, I have all the songs stuck in my head and I can sing along to most of them now while I'm backstage, my job is fairly easy, and I like the people...the people though is where I get all confused and bewildered with myself. I don't know, it's tough to explain everything, and even i tried I wouldn't want anyone to understand right now. Perhaps ever. I don't understand how I can do these sorts of things to myself and feel aahuihsfhoaifjsijf again.

and i'm sick of this rapist crap going on and i decided just to screw being worried because i don't want some man who i don't need to fear have control over my daily routines. So I walked home from the bus stop today and thought, and it was a beautiful day for it too.

i'm skeptical, as one would be in my situation.
i expected only the expected, yes, but where am i now?
trapped inside this overwhelming vault of thoughts and emotions.
and i hate this. i hate this feeling.
and i want it to slither out, to scamper away.
i came in to this situation wide eyed
i was prepared and positive
completely normal and predicted
but now the unexpected has happen,
and in a way it was part of the prediction
i tried to stop it, i did, and i'll coninue to try
i know i have much to examine
and i'm hoping this blow will end quickly
i'll return to normal
and all will be usual.
or it could mark an epoch.
i hate surprise attacks.

i have some thinking and praying to do.

i think it's sad when people don't have time or forget to open the curtains in the morning, because then later when they get home, it's almost night and the sunset is just beggin to be let in. Then you can only enjoy it for a split second until it fades, and you ask yourself, why didn't i take more time to enjoy today's sunshine? And then when you're dying you realized that the small tedious tasks often reaped joy and happiness.

it takes me an hour to get home on the bus now because i have to transfer on to another one. AS long as I don't get in to any more freeway bus accidents I'm fine. There are a lot of weird people though who come on the new bus I take. Drunks and old men who start singing in a regular tone to themselves when they're sitting next to you.

this is me. i guess..?

that's life.

2007-01-24T18:26:00.000-06:00

i got sick of my other layout, so here is this. i think it might be temporary. tcha know?

but you've already lost...

2006-12-20T10:30:00.000-06:00

I finally did it, after a decent amount of thought and consideration. I deleted my myspace! And it feels so freeing, and refreshing, and I feel as though I can have so much more free time now to do edifying things. I'm very excited.

So at any right, I don't really write my deep undying thoughts in here as much because I feel it's a pointless shasing after the wind. I don't know. It's funny to look back in here though.

Life has been interesting though in the growing process I guess. Like waking up to more of the real world and reality. And Jesus. Waking up to Jesus is good. It's definitely been a muy dificil past weeks for me but I think perhaps now my head is starting surface. Which, is good, cause I've not been doing amazing lately, and it was becoming tiresome.

Eggnog chocolate is weird. just a heads up.
And for a completely random thought....um...

i like art. alot. and inspiring things. and marie berndt and laura hess are pretty darn cool.

and this

haha!

2006-12-11T10:13:00.000-06:00

in science and i found this funny...

Let's polka!

2006-12-04T10:18:00.000-06:00

So life is interesting as always. Just kind of weird in the extreme. So many different thoughts and feelings jumbled into confusion. But such is that. Life I mean.

I'm in english class as of now and not really doing too much. Intriguing weekend. I definitely ended up going to the MOA twice in a row, which i'm not sure how that happened. That place is so psycho. So much materialism going on and things that are worthless. But at any rate, I went with Autumn, Manda, and Nikki, to go dress shopping and I found one! I'm quite excited about it, and it wasn't that expensive. (Our church is having a winter ball on Sathurday which I am quite excited about, GOOD FOOD!)

I ran into Josh and Jennica (my brother and niece) at the mall on Saturday when I was there and ended up taking her on some of the kiddie rides. Haha...we went to the "camp bus" at x-camp snoopy, now park at moa, and there was this funny middle-aged african american man who ran the ride and was super excited about seeing the kids get on. And then he talked in this high pitched cartoon voice in the microphone before the ride started. It made me laugh alot.

Thanksgiving? Definitely an interesting ordeal. I didn't exactly spend it with my family, heh. I went to Pilar's and many interesting things happened such as Ms Poeshl having to go to the ER to get stitches, our Bean quest, 4am picnicing, mini merry go round rides, and hours in barnes and nobles.

Some lyrics for you to dwell upon!

Audio A-Leaving 99

I'm lost and broken all alone on this road
The wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone
when I fear I'm on my own
You remind me i am not alone

You say..

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen with fear
And you say, my child, my child
i am always here, i'm at your side

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

you're never too far down
I promise you'll be found,
i'll reach into the mud,
miry clay
pursue you to the end,
like a faithful friend,
nothing in this world,
will keep me away,

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you...
to find you..

another day

2006-11-18T12:23:00.000-06:00

so many times i've tried to post in here but then something happens like i get a surpirse phone call or the computer shuts off, or the smell of food becomes evident in the air.

so life goes by quickly i must say. already another thanksgiving has come about which i find pretty weird. soon christmas will come and then my j term, school will passs a few months and be over and i'll get to greet my beauitful summer again.
but soon, life will happen, and encompass me with more of it's havoc.
An epoch will start and end.

I've always wondered what makes a person look older? is it all the trials and wisdom that has soaked into their face? or simply because we grow. or perhaps both. i guess i just don't know what's going to represent my age when i eb into my twenties or something. i feel as though i can't possibly get taller. i mean, i was about the same height of my mom when she died, yet of course everyone knew she was much older than me. Obviously there are wrinkles and strands of gray hair to consider, but really, what else is there?

now i'm debating to go to this school party tonight. i don't really have a ride home at any rate, plus i don't think i know most of the people going. should i not go because of that? the fear that i'll just be awkwardly trying to socialize that i don't know? or perhaps it could be super way and a way to get to know people outside of school better.

ugh i don't know.

christmas is coming...again

may angels lead you...home

2006-10-05T18:28:00.000-05:00

so it's funny how everything can change in a matter of a week's time.
so many of my friends are having so major issues going on right now, i'm half expecting mine to come shorty along. but it's hard to fathom what could crush me at this point. then again i never really expect the things that do, you know?

i would just like to say that i love going to baseball games. especially when the team you're cheering for, wins. isaiah, dad, nate, shannon, and i went on sunday, and isaiah and i got tickets for lower level enter left field and the view was spectacular. and you get to stand up and cheer every 2 minutes at the stupidest things. i can't even express to you how amazing the experience was. now i'm sad baseball season will end soon. but the twins won the central division and i was there to watch it happen!!!!

yom kippur was on monday. good stuff. i have such weird moods about dance. sometimes i like a certain class, other times i hate it. sometimes i like school, other times i never want to learn ever again. the fact that after this i have 2 years of high school left does not make me feel excited in any way whatsoever, especially due to the fact that my friend's are all graduation. brrrm. yea that's me.

delicioso

2006-09-29T12:09:00.000-05:00

jay inspired me

yes we love them.

jay: i love how they have a bead covering their packages, as if one little bead would protect them.

we're going to go to rome together.

food makes my heart flicker.

and fries and malts from annies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one day when i have a boyfriend, we are so going there and sharing malts and fries!! *dance*

caught by the tail of my coat

2006-09-24T12:59:00.000-05:00

officially last night produced WAY too much drama. i wonder if i would have been better off going to rosh kodesh. cruff. another jewish holiday missed because no one is here to enforce my attendence to anything if you get my drift.

i hate failing things. especially at school. i'm not looking forward to all of the homework i should be doing. history-ughudfhigfh. i don't like writing papers.

i probably should send some thank you letters.

and probably study for my permit test that i need to skip school to take.

life is funny, and friends, and how you interact with certain ones one day and then interact enitrely different with them the next. or week.

is it just so hard to ask for some lamb to eat???????
it rained yesterday at the ren fest. i got muddy.

mahaha rap music...

2006-09-16T21:05:00.000-05:00

She was a young girl
I was a young man
And I knew they would get her when I let go her hand
And then I let go
The inevitable
So beautiful
And susceptible
So wonderful
And so innocent
And after this neither one of us would benefit
Yeah, I was a dropout
She was a graduate
She said I’ll never be nothing she wasn’t having it
Yeah, I tried to break her down
I tried to reason it
She said I wasn’t nobody to be believing in
Yeah, what a waste of time
What a waste of mind
Your place of mind was a part of the design
Yeah, I used to call her up
She never called back
When she called that said I wasn’t all that
Yeah, I know that times change
And people change, too
I was a fool just to think that I could change you

Everyone’s got stories gone
About a love we once knew
So high in the beginning
Until the world cuts through
And then everything changes
Nothing feels the same
Piece by piece it falls apart until
All that’s left is blame....

Colleen and hip hop class is good stuff.

So I'm feeling a bit better from my cold-sicck-ness.
And perhaps emotionally because I've been home for most of today just kinda enjoying the world around me. Helping dad out with making tomatoe sauce from all the dozens of home grown tomatoes we have. and then i made him a healthy dinner and i feel pleased. i even cleaned the kitchen up after the huge mess and changed the cat litter. getting things done definitely helps your mood level.

i might bus it to church tomorrow. odd.

ok so here's what my post was mainly about.
i'm expressing my distaste in the way girls act. sometimes i feel so ashamed just being a girl and having all those stupid mood swings. i wish i could just be mellow, like all the time or something. i don't even know. But I hate the games we play. Like, overreacting, at stupid crap. Like how I got all pissy at dad on Monday just because he assumed I wasn't helping or something, and I brought a million past thoughts into the situation even though i never even expressed them to him so how was that fair? and like when girls do the whole i don't even know, sublimal phrases thing to get their point across. like oh i like it when guys do blah blah blah, when they're right in front of them. it's like hello! yes we understand your true motives. aahauifshaufhsjakfh saj\sk. i don't want to be needy. i don't want to be moody. i don't want to act like the world revolves around me. can't i just be loving, selfless, and gender-less like Jesus?

plus boys get to wear cooler clothes without worrying about, as nate would put it, SEXUAL IMMORALITY.

oh dear self...

2006-09-13T22:20:00.000-05:00

i'm officially uncoordinated.
my nose is half stuffed.
i want to close myself up in a box for a while.
i want to keep myself far AWAY from people for a while.
do i care? not sure.
i can't for the life of my figure out what's wrong, with MYSELF.
i walked a mile and a half with sarah from chipotle to church because the bus went right passed us even though we were sitting there waiting for it.
too many things confuse me.
i'm tired.
i'm unstable as a human being.
i just realized I have homework.
and God to attend to.
and cruff a shower.
maybe i am a little over obsessed about food.
yet too skinny to wear some knitted boots from kohls according to my friends...

whoa bessy!

2006-08-31T11:40:00.000-05:00

summer has been quite the experience. now it's my last thursday of summer 2006 ever and soon i'll be drowning in a sea of stress and homework and going to bed EARLY. ick.

one thing to talk about is what happened on tuesday. when amanda, todd, and i ended up on 61 at 12:30am and my dad's cruff car died. We coasted over to the shoulder of another highway by it and sat. Todd tried starting it up again, but the engine made awful noises and it seemed quite hopeless. We were next to some woods and across teh street an emptied bait and tackle shop. Haha, oh man, we laughed about stupid things likee, what if some old man came out and hobbled over to the car and tapped his peg leg on the window. And we all had to pee really bad at the same time. and of course after trying a million people to see if they could get us (including nate which i must remind myself not to do again because he would never do it) manda's dad finally showed up right as 5 cop cars piled in on the scene. yea, but we made it home, and it seems funny now, but at the time we were freaked out! ohhh man. life.

state fair yesterday, ho hum drum. i want a sheep.

oh my gracious!!!!

2006-08-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

AUUUUUUUGH. I can't believe summer is going ot be over in a matter of days and I still don't know what school I'm going to!

SPCPA or Great River??? Amazing Dance, or way better academics? 8:30-3:30 with or 8:00-4:00, guitar or piano? Visual arts or acting? Potential photography J-term or sick SPCPA J-term. oh dear. i just don't know

ICK SICK. This is not cool. I'm an undecisive crazed freak and really just confusing everyone. i got my schedule for spcpa today (they still are unaware of my perhaps leaving) and i'll have ballet, modern, and hip hop for arts (and a stupid acting class, but whatever) and those are all the dance classes I wanted.

yea i don't know.

at any rate i went to michaels yesterday and got amazing art supplies, and i'm starting my oil paint collection and i have canvas and turpentine. how exciting.

no bones, highfives please!

2006-08-03T20:49:00.000-05:00

As I predicted going up north was quite relaxing and I feel some good things were said and issues tackled. It's a slow process though. And I'm not gonna lie, they have marvelous food. They cooked us the whole meat potato vegetable kind of meals. just lovely. and then on the way home we rode through a massive thunderstorm, but we got through it and beat it home. oh the things that excite me. it was definitely way too hot for comfort though.

ummm tuesday...oh i hung out with amanda. mehehe...oh dear good times. we went to brueggars at sunray and sat there for an hour just to eat one bagel and laughed much too hard at the stupidest things. haha, i think it was the espresso we had prior too. and then we went thrift store shopping and after finding stupid matching old people shiirts we're going to butcher, we dressed up in stupid old lady clothes and walked around for a while. then made a trip to the "drug store" and bought wet ones and other random sfutt.

that night we definitely stayed up til 3am playing the sims and making todd and manda's child which we have yet to torture. nigglierjistic figgler. mhmm good times... :D

church was ok last night iunno. finding eternity did worship, haha... paxton started a new series and i'm actually excited about it, and he talked to us about some issues going on which is a good reality check i think. i really like when someone tells me what i could be doing better because it leaves room for improvement. especially in a good adult nice way.

sojos was interesting. ben taught us more games like pogo. like the is this the right square game, and what number is this game and the johnny johnny johnny woop johnny woop johnny. HAHAHAHAHA. britnee and manda laughed so hard when ben first showed us that. and peter has the same cell phone as me, pishaw.

today we went out to eat and walking and such, and i recently got back from playing tennis with isaiah and ezra and ezra can get pretty odd. like honking at old ladies strolling home their groceries. ooooh man.
standing rock on suuunday.

the open door!?!?

2006-07-28T22:11:00.000-05:00

i miss tennis lessons and they just ended yesterday :(..

i'm going up north tomorrow and missing church. sucks. but what can you do? hopefully i'll have some relaxing thinknig time. i feel way too hot right now and dehydrated and de vitaminized, must eat fruit and veggies!!! *dies of chocolate poisoning*

oh and i watched final destination 3 with nate and shannon tonight. don't waste your time, it's a crap movie with a much too long scantilly clad girls scene. pish, sick.

ahhh tennis. *dying*

hahaha...but i like seinfeld..

"pretty soon the perverts out there are going to like the idea of pig men. ""that little tail really turns me on!"" """""""""""muff""

i can't face myself when i wake up (background brother music)

2006-07-20T23:50:00.000-05:00

i like decorating cakes with smiley jewish faces
i don't like them being attacked with mistles, i can tell you that.
i do like the best of chopin piano music
i don't like sweaty nights of heat
i do like sleeping under covers when people have air conditioning
i don't like feeling weary
i do like deep and profound discussions about life and improving it
i don't like feeling left out
i do like long bike rides in the city
i don't like overreacting and therefore having those annoying sighful feelings

sonshine was good and bad.
obviously it was hot and what not. we had a crazy storm the first night which makes for a good story seeing as how me and my friends playing big booty in one of the packed gym locker rooms we were evacuated to. There were also men in the showers (it was ridiculously cold and wet after trying to hold your tents down and running through hail) playing guitar and singing.

friday's huge concerts were psycho and moshing is crazy because you go in with dry clothes and come out with tons of sweat on you that isn't only yours. and while you're inside you can see steam rising, almost like a giant unsanitay sauna.
relient k sucks in concert and they have no feelings towards the audience whatsoever. (like how they say, hello minneapolis in the freekin farms of wilmar)
third day brought back memories.
manda todd and i washed our hair in a community faucet that had freezing cold water.
nikki, autumn, todd, and i walked around til 3am and talked and met up with steve and austin, and some cannibals that linked arms running towards everyone. O.o

saturday we left early and that was a bummer. everyone got incredibly hot so yea. except we had fun times in the van ride back. todd, nikki, manda, britnee and i. what a combanation! of course Todd's caribou ends up going everywhere.
and i went in to his house for the 1st time ever which is super cool.

sunday after church we fiilmed an insanely ridiculous video ad for church at manda's and hung out at grand ave and saw manda's ...co-worker...and david, natalie, gabe, manda, satya, todd, and i ended up doing worship in the parking lot of jamba juice.

tuesday manda and i biked to dq where todd works and bothered them for an hour and rode back to todd's house with him where i went in for the 2nd time! astounding! i even used his toilet. we rode back to manda's and went to church to edit the video we made. we ended up there from 4pm to 10pm and it's was fun i'm not gonna lie. delerious times..
arby's that night was interesting.

church yesterday.
satya and i decorated a cake today with an ultra orthadox jew smiley face on it and i wrote shalom in hebrew. there's a new yshiva starting up in cottage grove so i suppose we're celebrating that.

home again home again jiggidy jig.

consuming fire

2006-07-10T23:58:00.000-05:00

so here i'm left to ponder in my blue room with red wine curtains about the events of today and how to phrase them in a somewhat pleasing manner.

i woke up today at satya's with a pillow filled with feathers under my head. girls were talking, you know, like leah, manda, pilar, stephanie, satya. We made a nest ate brunch finished x2 and i was driven home.

i cleaned the kitchen for dad's birthday today, he wasn't home yet at that point, and watched the extra movie nate got with his new underoath cd.

dad, isaiah, and i went to good earth, isaiah wasn't pleased with the decision, refued to eat there, and walked to wedney's after we got done eating. *sigh* oh well, we got dad a little cake thing and lemon ice and reminiced on life and such.

i cleaned up the dishes because when the kitchen is clean i'm really motivated to keep it that way. Except, after I dried my hands, I decided to pull out the cd player, I don't even remember why now. Anyways, the outlet was half hanging out and it would pull with the cord so I jabbed my thumb onto the socket above the one i was trying to pull the cord from and in that second I knew my mistake. I felt this zapping surge through my thumb up to my arm and I pulled away in a quick shock of pain. It felt like a buzzing vibrating prickly hot thing running up my veins. So yea, I officially got electricuted. And isn't it funny? I've always been worried about being electricuted and it finally happens, but the people who never think about it never have it happen to them. Alas, that is the life of Anna.

My thoughts on today? I don't know, it was celebrating dad's birthday for the 2nd time without mom, and I felt so lost. I didn't know what to do for him, I didn't know how to make him happy, how to make it special. And Iunno, I feel bad, and it makes me miss mom more. But I love Jesus quite alot, I'm not gonna lie.

Sonshine is in a few days. I'm excited.

Hey so I was just laying back on my bed staring at the ceiling in utter sleepiness and I was thinking about my red christmas lights strung around the borders. I haven't plugged them in in forever because they've gotten wet and I'm afraid I'd get electricuted. Perhaps I should just go for it? I mean, how many times can a person get shocked without dying? What an interesting thought...

i definitely went to the pirates 2 midnight showing on thursday and to perkins after, and that was a marvelous experience. sara told me something interesting, but ho hum. and on friday was the finding eternity concert and heh, that was interesting i guess.

oh hey and yesterday i finally was able to watch the pianist at sim's and it was amazing. it was terribly sad, but splendid, and now i want to buy some cds with just classical piano music on them and fall asleep to it. it's so calming, and i feel like that's the music that decribes my life. not a song with lyrics. but just the flow and soft sound of the piano as opposed to someone i don't know singing the words to a song i'll prolly change my opinion on. besides, i don't speak a whole lot anyways, so why not the peaceful hum of a solo instrument?

i need you, the end.

2006-07-02T23:20:00.001-05:00

i noticed today how funny my family is. People think I eat alot, but we went to davanni's today and i hate til i was full, and my brothers did too, and then a few hours later nate was wandering around wanting to eat a burger.

so i'm back from mexico, and i have 4 new stamps in my passport from all my airplane travels, and that's pretty neat-o. but besides that it was so amaaaazing. i had many fun times and i was able to buy this gorgeous sundress, and sundresses for my nieces and a couple other things. and the kids at the orphanage were so adorable, aww angelica..

and yea, we had some amazing experiences, played stupid yet funny games of mafia. i got to know david more. we met the david-david-jake-kid-at-todd's-school dude. had a tunnel of fire. ate funny food, went on a wild africam safari, and sanded way too many blue objects. and of course the plane rides were fun..mostly. and we had interesting experiences with lamby O.o

if you want to see more on all that jazz, go to my church's website and click on the link that it shows you on the first page.

yep i love the simplicty of children.

See Ya! I'm going Around the World!!

2006-06-21T14:13:00.000-05:00

oh i love tennis lessons down at the park. the people are so...full of undescribible worth.

so yea tonight or tomorrow morning at 355am i'm going to be at the airport with or team leaving for mexico! well our flight doesn't leave til 6 but whatever. yea..it's crazy. i sitll have to pack so this post isn't going to be long. just a little bon voyage again post. ho hum.

monday night was ellie's birthday party and it was lovely because i got to see SPCPA people like Jay, and Christine, and Ellie of course, and how can you go wrong with that? Oh heh, and before that Todd, Nikki, Manda, and I went thrift store shopping and found this amazingly nifty shirt that said, "Itchin for Crabs". Hehe, isn't it great?

well yea that's all that i must say. anna wants to take driver's ed!

it smells like summer outside!!!

2006-06-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

Haha so where to start? I guess throughout this all I am still alive as of Friday, June 16th, 2006 at 10:54am.
Quite a positive thing.

And yea I flew to the land of Israel and I am now back and kicking! And of course I couldn't possibly fathom putting the entie experience into words on here, I can barely do it when I talk. But....

Mental Notes:

10. Ignore scary men who ask you if you're from America

9. If you're staying in an Arab run hostel, be prepared to be wheeling your luguage through trash and dirty water while people are shouting at you to buy their stuff

8. Never underestimate the amount of interesting people you can meet.

7. Be prepared to sleep through heaping amounts of cat fights.

6. Avoid eating the airplane food

5. If some weird 17 year old guy invites you to the internet cafe and you go, it's best to tell him when you're ready to leave as opposed to just walking back to your hostel, otherwise he'll complain to you in the morning about how you got him in trouble.

4. Don't wear a hat that says Israeli Army when walking into the Arab quarters lest you get smacked on the head by some teenagers who are mocking you.

3. Get a picture of the women selling grape leaves, unlike me.

2. If an amazing army man sitting in front of you on the bus turns around and starts talking hebrew at you, he probably wants you to shut the window shade.

annnnnd the top mental note:

1. Watch out for those suicide bombers!!!

So there ya go.

Here is what I have been doing since being back. (I actually had made a list of things I wanted to when I got back for summer)

friday: chinese with isaiah and ezra/jordan's parents end of the year bash party/steve's house, stupid stories haha/sleepover at manda's
saturday: manda's/go to har mar with autumn, manda, and sarah and see natalie at target
sunday: meetings/natalie's house
monday: sleep in my own bed!!! JOOOY!!
tuesday: meet manda at the mall in the eve for manda anna day
wednesday: go out with steph and cerise/youthgroup/sleepover at pilar's with church friends!!
thursday: we all go to valleyfair for todd's party/sleepover at manda's with todd and have amazing fits of laughter over nothing
friday: home now but hopefully i'll somehow get to nikki's birthday party tonight

and in the next few days i hope to actually be able to attend a church service and see sim and michelle and the girls!!! (i have missed you guys!)

and see people from spcpa :/ i miss them

i leave you with this song:

Bob Dylan-It Ain't Me Babe

Go away from my window
Leave at your own chosen speed
I'm not the one you want babe
I'm not the one you need
You say you're lookin' for someone
who's never weak but always strong
to protect you and defend you
whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door

But it ain't me, babe
no, no, no it ain't me, babe
it ain't me youre lookin' for, babe

Go lightly from the ledge, babe
Go lightly on the ground
I'm not the one you want, babe
I'll only let you down
You say you're lookin' for someone
who'll promise never to part
someone to close his eyes for you
someone to close his heart
Someone who will die for you and more

But it ain't me, babe
no, no, no it ain't me, babe
it ain't me you're lookin' for, babe

Go melt back in the night
Everything inside is made of stone
there's nothing in here moving
And anyway, I'm not alone
you say you're lookin' for someone
who'll pick you up each time you fall
to gather flowers constantly
and to come each time you call
a lover for your life and nothing more

but it ain't me babe
no, no no it aint me babe
it ain't me youre lookin for babe

bon voyage

2006-05-25T09:45:00.000-05:00

what does the bon mean...?

so yea, today i'm hoping on a plane and flying to israel.

i could make up a top 10 list of all the bad things that could happen in this whole adventure, but i should probably dwell on the good things.
i mean hey, sarah goldb. wasn't scared when she went a few weeks ago..why should i be? we're the same age...

these past few days have been good though, i went to mickey's diner tuesday morning with ellie and christine. that was mucho fun, and i love them both soo much. i had manda anna day here and me and manda had fun lettering times..

i got to even see steph lilly

yesterday i had church and i got to see everyone (except for those whoe didn't come) before i left, and go to sojourners. that was fun..

i'm just sooo filled with UTUHFJSKHFSDJHF feelings though.

ok yea so i love you all. PRAY FOR ME!!!

2006-05-18T20:05:00.000-05:00

"Very few of us who set out on the march survived. The SS Einzatzgruppen were the most vicious, cold-blooded, trained killers. They used to bring their wives and girlfriends to show them with pride how they murdered Jews. It was the German SS Einzatzgruppen execution teams, the Ukranian police, and the Romanian Gendarmerie who were such experts at killing off the Ukrainian Jews that they had no time for us. Orders were given for us to stop at a place called Yedenitz, where we were detained outside in the raw elements for several weeks. The gendarmes barely gave us enough space to sit or lie down. Our tormentors had to have complete control over us, at all times. At any given moment, spontaneous killing could occur.

Sometimes it's funny how problems consume us, but there's so many more people with terrible things that happened to them, or are happening to them right now.
evil being done to them and their families, even though they're completely innocent.
and what if this evil has just sprung from a grudge looming inside one person?
6 million + dead.
funny what bitterness can do to people.
something to think about

7 days.

lists and such

2006-05-08T17:55:00.000-05:00

Top 10 Things I've Noticed About the "Hot Mexican Man" on my Bus
(compiled due to insane boredom in the morning and evenings)

10. He wears blueish tennis shoes with worn out white laces

9. He 95% percent of the time is listening to his headphones

8. He takes them off after he gets off the bus in the morning

7. They use to be huge headphone ears but now they're just the white ones you stick in your ears

6. His shoulder bag has like some sort of japanese writing script on it therefore i decided he likes anime

5. He has a nice smile when you catch him at it (which has only been once for me)

4. He speaks HARDCORE inglesia. (haha inside joke..with manda)

3. He sometimes wears a leather jacket

2. His black shirt he wore one days had animal fur on it so therefore he has a pet or goes to someone's house who does

and the top thing I noticed about him...

1. He sits in the front of the bus where I also do so therefore it's easy to notice things about him.

So there you go.

Now i'm stressed out cause of spanish and i hate spanish class.
hmm...

po-ta-to

oven frie..

pro-crast-i-nate

now that you're alive

2006-04-30T21:36:00.000-05:00

umm yeeeea...

i had the awfulest dream last night. it scared me. and all i can say is i'm never ever going to hang out alone with a guy in a house (specifically basement) until i'm an old lady, lest i die!!

heeeey victor!

TOP 10 FOOD CHOICES DE ANNA!!!!

10. chipotle and mucho cilantro..

9. FETA CHEESE!

8. cheesecake with cherries on top

7. lemon sorbet with raspberries in it

6. dill pickles, extra garlic

5. homemade potato salad (OH MAN LET ME DIIIE)

4. guacamole

3. homemade chicken noodle soup

2. crazy fruit and fruit smoothies like jamba, and carob milk. (ok so that was like 3 but i'm running out of space here)

and the top thing that is so yummy in my tummy iiiiisss....

1. OLIVES!!!

herbs de provence, garlic stuffed, medditerranean..hmm yes yes.

i love sunday afternoons at mandas hanging out with satya, autumn, manda, natalie, and todd. such a good combo.

haha and natalie let me drive her car for like a half block despite me not ever driving in my life before. and sure this sounds like nothing, but it was a big step in my youthful era.

NOW GET OFF MY BACK (hahaha..jk,jk)

saying she's just another so and so

2006-04-22T00:08:00.000-05:00

i saw you kanoodling over the breakfast table!

so i had an interesting day. well, most days are interesting, this one was just more interesting than usual. In a good way of course. Otherwise it wouldn't be worth mention. School this morning, the same old hum ho. For arts classes we had to do auditions for scenes of plays. I got to read for Emily in the play Our Town. (it's like the play my school can't get enough of) And the fact of the matter is I thought I did pretty well, and I was excited. And then I read some in The Crucible with other people and whatnot. But then there was an announcement after this all. Our performance will be May 31st. At this point I slap my head off because I realize, guess what, I'll be in Israel. So yea...the thought of actually succeeding in getting in to some sort of production in this year went down the drain. Quite quickly I might add as well. I talk to Ms. W and she just says I'll have to do some sort of make up work or something. Oh what fun.. While everyone is having fun play times I'll probably be researching the history of Shakespere for a 5 page essay or something. Oh well...

We got released early at 3:30, which made me happy, and Jay, Carrie Walker, the other Carrie and I went to Dunn Bros. I was well pleased with the time and yea, I love those people. They all make me smile. I love how our conversation extended to "the new guy" in school, and it's just like the only big thing to talk about or something. (which honestly isn't true, but it's fun to narrow such things down)

Tonight at FNL we had fun big bootie times, and inflatables. And really inflatables sound like a 4th grader kind of thing, but they're incredibly fun. Especially if you do ghetto dances on them with Sarah. Todd almost broke me tooth :P buuut I survived. And I played DDR and a crazy cool game of ping pong. It makes me excited for tennis. Ooh I wonder if the weather tomorrow will be good, because then perhaps my padre would play a game with me. *dances*

so yea. yesterday i kicked it at home and made spaghetti. and i accomplished some stuff. I just need to accomplish more. You know what..I just kinda should go to bed.It's good stuff.

Oh on wednesday we had this amazing worship time where we could worship God by painting or looking at yourself and seeing who you are in God, and looking at pictures of people in other countries and seeing where it leads you to pray. So there ya go. Some of my life.

take me away

2006-04-18T12:03:00.000-05:00

so i'm not quite sure what to talk about but i was getting sick of my last post always being up and around. so i guess i can talk about the day of the lamb. hayom shellah shank. whoa! did you know you could translate stuff on google in to hebrew. crazy. wow and the pages are from right to left.

so anyways. i went to the lange's for ressurection day and it was pretty cool stuff. steph picked me up and she definitely achieved getting a lime green mustang. sooo that was a fun experience. her family moved to wisconsin and so i went over to that cheesey place. although they have chewy squeaky melt in your mouth cheese curds. which, you know, is always a plus. i love cheese curds.... almost as much as i love homemade potato salad. ok off the food. i don't know, not much to say. we ate and little kids went on a hunt and there was lots of chocolate.

later after all the food steph, cerise, caleb and i went to the river and shot steph's random weird different kinds of guns. (not hugely powerful ones or anything) there wasn't much to shoot though..

and i don't know, there was a lot of messing around or something but i spent the night and talked to kate for a while.

and i skipped school yesterday. meh.

on sathurday natalie randomly called and we went to club 3 degrees because ben wanted more people for the band on his dad's record label. soo we went. it was interesting. fun, yet interesting. ben peterson, the leones, peter, and max were there and they're all amusing people of course. haha alex...

it's tuesday and i wonder if it's going to be a manda anna day cause really, i don't know if manda is back from colorado yet. this morning had promising outcomes for the day, but it's been pretty uneventful so far. oooh man what should i do for next year? i leave on this note:

monkeys infected with ebola. cults and internships.

2006-04-10T13:08:00.000-05:00

so it's one o' eight and i'm at home. why? 2 reasons. one being that i have the bird flu and the other one should be obvious to those who know me super uper duper well and my family. but then again i don't know about the first one because i'm pretty sure all my friend's forgot. which is..whatever. i don't expect them to keep tabs on these kind of things anyways. and if they did, what would they need to say? yea i don't know what i would say either.

so IHOP. (international house of prayer)-yo.

it was good. the 7 hour car ride with christine, manda, sarah and christine's mom was definitely a good time. we have the stupidest videos on manda's memory card.

christine is my girl. and manda turned in to a man to ask her out, and then after she got christine pregnant decided she didn't like her anymore. therefore manda broke up with christine. and you know what? i have no clue why we did that. something about my girl....

they have amazing worship at ihop and the 24/7 prayer room is marvelous. they have the cutest cafee there, and it's filled with happy people who look quite friendly. and they have amazingness food and drink.

israel conference part twas good. definitely learned alot. but with it and the worship i just feel i could have been more productive if i didn't get sick the second day in to it. i kinda was too miserable to focus on the stuff i wanted to. oy.

but there was good stuff like morning breakfast and watching stupid cable shows in the hotel room and 9 story crestations on our waffles.

and then there was crazy cool stuff. like seeing God work.

But you know. yesterday night was not a happy time. and today hasn't been so swell either. part of the reason is i can't control the spewing liquid coming from my nose and therefore i have to run to the bathroom in the emiddle of class to get toilet paper which hurts my already sore red dry nose because the teacher doesn't have a kleenex box because its like against the law or something these days.

so there ya go.

i'm skipping arts long story short. and i don't want to do old school work i missed. and i don't like espanol. and i don't like getting c minuses in my afternoon friday arts classes.

thoughts to ponder

2006-03-31T21:00:00.000-06:00

you know what's sad? when people don't mature from when they weere in 3rd grade. sure they might physically might have matured, but you can read the same person you havent seen in years exactly the same. they could perhaps, say, still be an arrogant snob who puts down otheres to make themselves feel better.

when other people have moved on and don't care about the little nothingness fighting of grade school.

so there's something to think about. because recently i stumbled upon that particular problem.

it's friday night and once again on the rare occasion i'm not doing anything. ho hum. i was going to do something, i had it planned out, but they sorta ditcched me. not ditched, but more of wasn't able to due to all the other things they were doing this week. but i guess it's fine. i'm just hanging around here listening to misty edwards and being alone. heye ezra got cable. i could indulge myself but watching some stupid music videos. that's always interesting...

eh who knows.

but tomorrow pilar is having her party and that's exciting!

and i've decided when i get older i want to work at the co-op. it will definitely be an exciting adventure. mississippi market infact.

i went to the omni theater for the first time in my life today and it was AMAZING! it was about inidia too so there were all these cool shots of the himalayas and people throwing colored smoke in there and cruff.

and then i had kurdish food with satya. and i just want you all to know, if you want to capture my heart, feed me kurdish bread, feta cheese, and kalmata olives. I LOVE FETA CHEESE. i have a passion for it...

this morning at 7:45 natalie came over and we snuggled in my bed and talked for a while. then we drove over to phalen and walked around it. it was such lovely weather. at one point we stopped and climbed up on the lifeguard chair and prayed. yes it was lovely. then we went to jamba juice, which also has my heart.

in less than two months i'll be in israel!!!

my soul pants for God and God alone.

i painted my trashcan even more tonight, and it's so lovely...

so here we are again

2006-03-30T00:40:00.000-06:00

i really have no time to update this. seeing as this is the first night in a week i'll be sleeping in my own bed and all.

i've been having fun times with satya and manda and britnee, and such. and last saturday, christine, satya, ellie, and i had an arthur party and ate soup and homemade bread. it was an amazing time. impactfulness.

spiritual gifts is an exciting thing.

britnee's house for a couple of days was funn. always wee children to watch and silly movies. We definitely watched the chipmunk adventure!!!
man playing with dog in deep voice: heeeey. heeeey. heeeey.

ms miller: avalible for what?

you'd just have to see for yourself.

and yesterday i got to canter her silly horse, but now i'm so sore. but guess what!?

we got a new dryer so i can finally wash my clothes and dry them at my own house! don't ever take advantage of that..let me tell you. all those times i had to lug that big plastic garbage bag of my clothes around church. so i'm going to have nice clean bedding for tonight, which i am mucho excited about. and you know what? i want to jump in my froggy pajamas now and sleep. Yes. Sleep. And rosh Kodesh is tomorrow, and I'm sure you wish you knew what that was.

Misty Edwards is an amazing singer...i'm going to burn her cd so i can listen to it tonight because i borrowed mine to natalie's.

israel is fastly approching. and ps i'm so stressed out about shcoolwork, because it's cruffy like that. SO POINTLESS. i can't wait til summer.

note to self: sign up for sunshine. BY TOMORROW. AUGH.

april 10th fastly approches as well. not sure what to do.
and oh man i can't express to the public how much i want to get my hair cut.

surrounded by hypocrites

2006-03-23T15:55:00.000-06:00

basically, yea.

but guess what? if you click the E now under this I totally have a dope daily Bible verse thing. So you can renew your minds!

Haha, so this sub popping and locking teacher made us watch this video on how hip hop and the different forms of it got started and people kept saying, he's one cool cat! or, that move is so dope man! or that cool cat with the dope moves!

haha it made me smile. and the crazy names people give themselves like spice nice, mr animation, crazy legs. hehe..how lovely in a weird way.

anyways i'm in study hall which i now have, ooo yum. and i'm going to satya's house tonight, which is crazy hazy dazy mazy.

some people's kids!

oh sick...i was just reading some old blog posts i made. i sounded like a freaky little kid. like someone i use to know..or do know but don't talk to anymore.

you your me we I

2006-03-22T11:47:00.000-06:00

so selah.

can you say pretty much amazing? i surely can.
it was a fantabulous weekened.

lovely worship, lovely people, lovely games..

i dearly so love big bootie and mafia. and teh car game was definitely intriguing. steve is....OH MAN, too funny for words i guess you could say. So is Autumn. And Jordan and Trevor overthink mafia.

i can't really go in to detail about how good it was for me and how i've grown, but i have the memory really.

worship was soooooooo good. i love Jesus. Pilar and Austin are quite good singers.
so..misty edwards is an extraordinary singer as well.
i definitely got her cd on monday, and this makes me smile.

school is like cruff.

but i am clean.

this is a blllllarg post. nothing mucho to say. have to work on a paper.

i so have a study hall 3rd period tuesdays and thursdays! good bye voice and speech!

i'm trying to push it away...

2006-03-13T12:26:00.000-06:00

Underoath-I'm Content With Losing

Like I said
"Leave your baggage at the back door"
I'm leaving you the way I think it should be
We're always pulling into spaces that we can't back out of
Starting fights, we can't talk our way out of them

How does it feel to be on the recieving end of this one?

I'm half way there
It's all on me
This is what I get for wanting more
This is the way it's got to be
Desolate, alone, and searching
So I walk around with this rope in my hand

So I'll tie it around and around
I'll tie me down

I'll fantasize of being manic
And leaving us behind
In your eyes you were the one that tried

Acceptance is what holds us here
And you my dear are the one I fear tonight
We'll try just one more time

This is the moment that we all live for
Are you ready?

I'm half way there
It's all on me
This is what I get for wanting more
This is the way it's got to be
Desolate, alone, and searching
So I walk around with this rope in my hand

So I'll tie it around and around
I'll tie me down

You can't see past my waving hands
Just running away again
You can't see past my waving hands
Just run!

You think so loud it hurts my ears
I want to know how to get through this
Without choking up
I can't feel you
You're so far from me

I'm half way there
It's all on me

yesterday at sim's i watched the exorcism of emily rose. it was disgruntling to my soul, but it made me smile when i thought about steve glancey chanting last wednesday, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!'" And then when Leah said she thought that movie was funny or something he was all, "Are you serious? I almost pissed my pants!"

heh.

so my head hurts and i'm feeling very...hopeless.

tobac is wack

but it's a snow day and that's good.

kirby pucket had a stroke and died

2006-03-06T18:48:00.000-06:00

life is so..random.

it's weird how one moment i'm down with everything and getting along just lovely, and the next second i want to lunge over and die. just like that, *snap*. or maybe as satya sometimes says, need someone to be just so disgusted with my skinny-ness that they come over and snap me like a twig.

i have this all of a sudden feeling where i want to gag. oh yes. i want to gag out all the care in me. just spit it out and walk away. oh gosh i can't even think about it.

yesterday small group came over and somewhat cleaned. we more so watched the oscars and pilar taught us ballet. hmm i love ballet. speaking of which me and christine went to carmina burana yesterday and it was pretty elegant. although we both agreed it was probably about sex. scandal.

lineya had her birthday party saturday night, better than i expected.
fridays fill me with the concept of freedom.

last friday at school was actually swiftly moving along. after school went so so.
school's psycho. the teacher's, especially a certain spanish teacher can be quite cruel and unusual let's just say. spanish pretty much makes me want to jump of a cliff. but algebra and history make me want to jump of a bigger one with rocks at the bottom.

do you ever feel..used?

in acting we had to take newpaper articles and form a character off of them. i found this amazing one about this man in a german prison camp around ww2 and what it was like. it described how he had to live in a little cell with a door that only had a peep hole that could be looked in to, so they could watch him, but he couldn't see them. and it told about all he had was a wooden bed and a bucket. he had absolutely no social contact so it drove him to twisted thinking to the effects of wanting to be interrogated, because then he could talk to people. he even would want to be tortured, as long as it involved someone else. but then again he was going through it anyways, having no contact with anyone and whatever. and what would you do? there's nothing to write with. it's almost like you HAVE to keep everything in your head in your head. you could scream at your prison walls, but then again, your voice would only bounce back at you. and i suppose that's enough to make anyone go insane.

me at least.

sometimes i like to ignore the fact that i am me. not that i would want to be someone else, well maybe, but more so i'd like to just shut up all the bad cruff i do. isn't it awful enough i have to hurt others? and then i hurt myself.

Oh well. Jesus gets me through it. Thoughts of Him are much more pleasent than German prison camps and living on earth.

i feel like watching the goonies.

you know what a good quality book is? mr popper's penguins. what a lovely story..

and the sad thing about me is i write the names of people i'm mad at in mustard on my sandwich for lunch tomorrow.

forget the former things

2006-03-02T17:43:00.000-06:00

hot sexy little thai dress!! -quoth satya

so i'm at satya's and i decided to do a quick random post because it's grood stuff.

umm anything to say? acting is blech.

woman please!

i honestly don't know what to type. hey i did service at small group on sunday night and it went so so. i did it because on sunday would have been my mom's birthday and i decided to coordinate the two things. pretty slick. speaking of which, andy potts decided i'm like a panther but not? because i kind of slide up to him. my thoughts for the day.

jaded- A Bird-a-keet!

2006-02-25T19:17:00.000-06:00

weeoo. i'm at cinnoman sugar's house (aka sim) and i've been having mucho fun since last night with my crazy lovely nieces and sim and shell. so there ya go. that's me.

math is utterly unexplainably awful. i used a bunch of my wednesday night youth group time *trying* to work on it but i understood almost none of it. i got help from so many poor people who didn't know what they were getting themselves in to. the most helpful was nikki and satya.

i spent the night at satya's thursday night and i had a lot of fun. we went to cub and i reviewed for my spanish test by naming the produce in espanol and such. we had an AMAZING dinner. (salmon and garlic mashed potatos) and i was even allowed something special...*zip*

we watched figure skating on the olympics cause it's sappy goodness, and an israel travel video!!! it made me want to leap right on over there. which i will hopefully..

haha last night i took some amazing pictures cause i was being hyper. (excited for the weekend) and nate made me smile with himself.

tomorrow is a very special day which i will inform you on later. and i'm doing the message for small group. which is kind of scary considering i don't fully have it worked out yet. just a lot of thoughts and verses to mention, but i do have a theme!! which ties in with the special dayness of tomorrow. i'm excited for church...

God is everything the human heart could need

2006-02-20T13:09:00.000-06:00

uuuuuugh

2006-02-19T15:41:00.000-06:00

so i officially have the stomach flu and if you really would like to know i've thrown up 7 times today. joy!

but i appreicate the pre-comment of this post. (or however you say that) they touched me in different ways.

she was a young girl, i was a young man...

2006-02-16T17:08:00.001-06:00

so these next few lyric lines are actually from a rap song we danced to in hip hop class yesterday. i know. kill me. but it had piano music at the beginning and it was..touching to the soul. or some cruff like that.

"Yeah, I know that times change
And people change, too
I was a fool just to think that I could change you

Everyone's got stories gone
About a love we once knew
So high in the beginning
Until the world cuts through
And then everything changes
Nothing feels the same
Piece by piece it falls apart until
All that's left is blame

And if I had a chance to do it all over I'd do it exactly the same"

i officially feel swamped and am drowning. my homework load has been awful this semester, especially this week i've been realizing the horridness of it all. ms sletten is probably the most unsensible teacher i know.. augh. so i've been having mental break downs the past couple of nights and it's not been good.
i've been having self breakdowns. today in tap class (all we did was chit chat it up the whole time) we got on the topic of embarrasing moms and people were sharing things about how their moms embarrass them and stuff, and yea... i could feel my eyes getting wet. but i blinked it away.

i guess i'm feeling completely drained. and i love everyone, but i just want to hide away for a while and get things done, or do nothing at all. inside of it sucks.

christine's party was absolutely lovely last saturday..nat's birthday was yesterday, valentine's day is just meh, but i gave manda roses because i love her. uuuh i don't know. stuff.

everything is a blur of insomnia. or something like that. i just can't cope with the things that i use to. what I need? I need more Jesus time... It's funny how I can never get sick of Him.

so yea.. i end with this soup.

i love homemade chicken noodle soup.

attack of the fruit flies

2006-02-11T16:10:00.000-06:00

so today is ezra's birthday. another february birthday in my family to speak of..

we went to old mexico, but the buffet for lunch was pretty ..grotest. there was fruit flies everywhere (perhaps a slight exaggeration) and the meat gross and everything friiied. so meh.

and now, i have stupid two algebra lessons to do, hebrew, and i have a huge history test on monday over 5 sections i haven't even read yet. this block schedule thing isn't very ms-sletten-test-friendly.

but yesterday i went to moa. and they had some coolio stuff. and i went to the rainforest cafe with shirley, and heh, they have rain!!! and thunderstorms!! crazy..

school is just odd. wednesday was a bad day, but thursday and friday were much happier... *sigh* choices.

and i'm tired and in an out of it mood so really i can't post any longer, because i really have nothing to say. so there ya go.

so february 4th is passed

2006-02-05T20:22:00.000-06:00

my birthday is officially over. so i guess it's another 364 days til the next one. oh well.

so we baaasically got school off friday because they were testing fire alarms. we were suppose to go to arts classes if we could but we got an excused absence if we couldn't get transportaion. in other words to the teen population: run free little idgits!

so i ended up doing some stuff with manda and christine that day and we had some good times.. so i guess that was a very good nice mellow thing for celebrating my birthday.

saturday was just a complete mess and josh ended up coming over and doing meth or something and i had to watch jennica and yea...not much time to spend i guess..

so went to merrill's birthday party early and other why people did too to celebrate my birthday. it was nice.. sean gave me sea monkeys hehe, and i got some cute little other presents as well. we hung out and they gave me this little brownie cake that people sang happy birthday too.

i guess my honest opinin on the whole thing was that i was too tired to enjoy it more and there was some stupid drama going on between some women. *wink wink* and merrill has mucho school friends over and so it just became this huuuge out of handle teen party. decks of cards flying everywhere, stupid couple hanging on to eachother the whole night, la de da da. meh.

so later sean and peter gave the girls rides back to mandas and we slept over there.

i reeeally just wanted sleep but it took a while. and after having dozed off for a while when we all got settled in bed i woke up to britnee manda and autumn laughing their heads off at weird things..but they were funny, heh. "Not cool!" "You're out of click 5!"

so this morning i definitely ended up falling asleep on pilar's lap during service i was so tired. i didn't mean too.. i just couldn't concentrate. and it was funny because i woke up and sat up and looked down at her knee and i had drooled on her pants. but pilar is amazing and it just made us both laugh.

went out to dinner with sim and michelle and the girls with dad nate and shannon at olive garden annd came back here, (his house) and tried playing battle of the sexes, (my dad couldn't stay awake for the life of him) and ate cake. now i've been bouncing around from doing homework to taking a shower to watching some superballness. (which is quite overrated)

now i think i shall flee for there's not much more to say. oh!
me and manda took some time friday night before christine left and dyed temporary pink streaks in our hair in my bathroom. it was good fun..heh... but mine basically came out after i washed it. so i have to keep redying it if i want it to stay that way. meh.

hacking and hackers

2006-01-30T17:54:00.001-06:00

this picture intrigues me...

looking for flights to israel for may..good but scary?

i actually had an independant study today! and i sat next to chriiiistine. lovely. and i got all my algebra done which is good. but i still have homework..*sigh*.

aha yesterday was sooo fun! well the whole weekend. i slept over at manda's friday and we watchd movies and whatnot. saturday i went to choir practice with her and stayed for worship at church. (well because they sang) went back to manda's with natalie and her and then later satya came and we had MUCHO fun at the co-op. oh it was good stuff....

and we slept.

sunday church was good. i love Jesus i love worship. I WANT YOU TO STIR ME!

and then me todd satya and manda went to my house for a sec and todd signed my wall and wouldn't let go of my cat. heh. chipotle, then manda's.

and i had lots of fun there, ooh man. have todd and you have a party. we ate first, and then right when actually got in the homework focused mood my dad had come back from walking and we all went two houses down and looked at this open house for sale. (possible moving possibilites? scary..) it was very quaint, but it only had two bedrooms. and i suppose we could make a third..but it's really small and i don't know where we'd put all our books and stuff...hmm so..yea. but the neighborhood is nice and it has a good amount of gardening land for dad and it would force ezra to move out. (who by the way makes me sick because he definitely hacked in to admin privledges and tampered with stuff and deleted a program i downloaded!!! augh)

anyways. after my dad left and we were done hanging out in the snug house. we walked back to manda's and worked on homework. i did alot which was good but haha todd...

todd: manda i need to use your laptop to do homework
manda: you have nothing else you can work on?
todd: no
manda: *sighs and gets up from being all comfortable*
*20 minutes later*
todd: hey look at my myspace pictures!
manda: i wish i could do homework as well as todd.

and then at one point todd slapped manda with a towl because he was being silly and she had hot cocoa in her hands and she spilled it all over her down comforter , math book , and homework. (which by the way she said she's turning in even though it was half soaked in hot chocolate) But being Manda she just laughed her face off and so we all laughed too. we played would you rather, which todd made up some funny questions.

todd: would you rather marry your cousin or a camel?
me: cousin
todd: but that's insest!
me: but that's beastiality!

so yea, fun...

but now i feel sad because school is long and tedious and isaiah doesn't want to come home for my birthday so the birthday breakfast tradition is ruined and the out to eat thing...

it's my first birthday without mom or isaiah.
without doing the same lil thing i've been doing since i can remember. although i don't like going to toys r us and ocb anymore to celebrate. i can almost remember the feeling of getting that new toy and having cake at night...and that time i was so full and then josh bought me chinese late at night.
and how we got to stay up til midnight playing sonic..

why can't staying up til midnight and playing sonic give me joy anymore?

and dad's going to work tonight even though it's his day off. tonight's not a good night. i want to curl up and hide from the world...

hacking and hackers

2006-01-30T17:54:00.000-06:00

this picture intrigues me...

looking for flights to israel for may..good but scary?

i actually had an independant study today! and i sat next to chriiiistine. lovely. and i got all my algebra done which is good. but i still have homework..*sigh*.

aha yesterday was sooo fun! well the whole weekend. i slept over at manda's friday and we watchd movies and whatnot. saturday i went to choir practice with her and stayed for worship at church. (well because they sang) went back to manda's with natalie and her and then later satya came and we had MUCHO fun at the co-op. oh it was good stuff....

and we slept.

sunday church was good. i love Jesus i love worship. I WANT YOU TO STIR ME!

and then me todd satya and manda went to my house for a sec and todd signed my wall and wouldn't let go of my cat. heh. chipotle, then manda's.

and i had lots of fun there, ooh man. have todd and you have a party. we ate first, and then right when actually got in the homework focused mood my dad had come back from walking and we all went two houses down and looked at this open house for sale. (possible moving possibilites? scary..) it was very quaint, but it only had two bedrooms. and i suppose we could make a third..but it's really small and i don't know where we'd put all our books and stuff...hmm so..yea. but the neighborhood is nice and it has a good amount of gardening land for dad and it would force ezra to move out. (who by the way makes me sick because he definitely hacked in to admin privledges and tampered with stuff and deleted a program i downloaded!!! augh)

anyways. after my dad left and we were done hanging out in the snug house. we walked back to manda's and worked on homework. i did alot which was good but haha todd...

todd: manda i need to use your laptop to do homework
manda: you have nothing else you can work on?
todd: no
manda: *sighs and gets up from being all comfortable*
*20 minutes later*
todd: hey look at my myspace pictures!
manda: i wish i could do homework as well as todd.

and then at one point todd slapped manda with a towl because he was being silly and she had hot cocoa in her hands and she spilled it all over her down comforter , math book , and homework. (which by the way she said she's turning in even though it was half soaked in hot chocolate) But being Manda she just laughed her face off and so we all laughed too. we played would you rather, which todd made up some funny questions.

todd: would you rather marry your cousin or a camel?
me: cousin
todd: but that's insest!
me: but that's beastiality!

so yea, fun...

but now i feel sad because school is long and tedious and isaiah doesn't want to come home for my birthday so the birthday breakfast tradition is ruined and the out to eat thing...

it's my first birthday with mom or isaiah.
without doing the same lil thing i've been doing since i can remember. although i don't like going to toys r us and ocb anymore to celebrate. i can almost remember the feeling of getting that new toy and having cake at night...and that time i was so full and then josh bought me chinese late at night.
and how we got to stay up til midnight playing sonic..

why can't staying up til midnight and playing sonic give me joy anymore?

and dad's going to work tonight even though it's his day off. tonight's not a good night. i want to curl up and hide from the world...

siiiiii!

2006-01-27T15:03:00.000-06:00

so i am sick still. i skipped school again. it's sad, the semester just started tuesday and i already skipped one and a half days of school. and it's sooo pretty out.

anyways out of boredom i did something different to my blog, which i've been wanting to do, it just takes forever and a day. and i love this verse..tis inspiring. well i should go. ciao.

ouch..my blood cells

2006-01-26T14:34:00.000-06:00

so one of my fears happened to me today. i was getting a ride to the bus stop and we had to chase the bus a couple of blocks. i quickly got out of the car when the bus stopped to pick up some people, and right as i got in the door it closed on me. that's right, to start out the cruffy morning, the bus door closed right on me. and it had to shove it away from me before i died because the driver didn't see me right away. so that was weird..talk about a grand entrance.

anyways i woke up awfully sick and i have a cold and headache thing and i felt feverish at shcool this morning. so i just absensed myself from that place after hebrew this morning. i didn't want to skip the math test and history class though. although i didn't feel very good about my answers to the test despite the fact that peter and sean gave me double time help last night with my algebra homework. and christine came to church last night!!!!! JOYOUS!

so i guess i'm tired stressed out and whatnot just like i use to be in school. i hate stress. who invented the word stress anyways? just saying it makes you feel even more stressed out. and also to mention the fact that wendy laihr is having major problems understanding that i really want a ballet class despite how much it might dishuffle the system. ah vell...

slept over at manda's on tuesday which was fun. we looked at some old emails and heh yea. i got some coffee with her wednesday mroning before school at this quaint little coffee place on the way to SPCPA.

and really skipping school is overrated. why would you want to? sure it sounds good in the morning when you are trying to wake up at 6am, but really when you figure out you can only sleep til 9:30 at the latest because your sleep schedule is all funky, you wish you could do something or be with people. because being home when everyone else is at school pretty much sucks.

oh by the way the hogans house last week was a greeeeeat time. they had the most amazing food ever. fruit! carob milk! joy to the world.. and it was lovely to be in such a loveing atmosphere and talking to amanda. we played some pretty amazing board games and i beat them all at boulderdash and blurt. hehe ben and manda are pretty amusing to play that with. ahh but then ben made me loose my winning guess streak by being sneaky. irish dancing was interesting. and i decided a boy looses his innocense when he gets a computer with internet access in his room.

so now coughing and what not i should try to get sleep or do alot of homework for the future. but it's always gonna come back to me...

and i thought that i found myself today, and i thought that i had control

2006-01-19T16:19:00.000-06:00

to michelle-
hahaha nate says vaca all the time. i'm aware of that word. i think he calls the cat that sometimes. good to know about the pardona me thing though...

but anyways.

so i went completely mind numblingly insane staying home by myself and the cat on monday and tuesday. i got pictures of here drinking out of the toilet..yes we were quite bored stiff.

but! on wednesday i had youth group and it was crazy amazing. and me and satya danced in india dressings, and sean h took pictures because we forced him. but it twas ok cause he was with britnee.

me and manda got a ride with sean c in his spiffy new red car. to sojourners. whoooa. yea..we shizzed out.. O.o

and then we had an amusing time in line waiting for coffee drinks and sean got a rather odd looking soda..

but then sim picked me up! and i had fun with him talking and being at his house. aww cute familia!! michaela.. *laughs* p-o-r-n..pillow!

i slept in her bed since she did the parent-bed jacking thing and wokee up at 8 this morning. i hung around and ate for an hour and then sim dropped me off at hero.

i watched an interesting debate between this kid and these girls.. i talked to dan about weird mathness, talked to other random people, saw a girl i knew from tennis, and played that multiplayer solitare game with manda and the bear kid. and the beear kid and seth i think it was, go and used to go to yeah. and they know the teachers of which i spole of! and they know ellie..what a small world.

now after obtaining a new lovely backpack sort of shoulder bag thing i'm off to get ready to go to the HOGANS until saturday...crazy!!

so yea..prayer is grood.

oh! and i picked up from best buy the pictures i ordered from my digital camera and they're soooo AMAZING! i'm definitely ordering more soon..

hablar por telephono

2006-01-15T17:46:00.000-06:00

so i'm not sure what has gotten in to me. this past week or for however long has been very downcast, unhopeful, and dreadful. i'm almost counting down the moments i have to go back to school and endure 4 more months in 8 to 4:30 sucking up time enviroment. and what's more? i got my schedule and guess what. i'm still in acting track 1. do you know what acting track 1 is for? disrespectful people who don't want to learn. so i feel like a complete failure. all the work from the past school year turns in to nothing... oyvi. i am thoroughly calling the school tomorrow and switching to a dance track. i just really want to do ballet and pilates.. lest i be a very sad girl. and this very sad girl refuses to take tap. not because i'm against the particular style of dance. i just..love ballet. not that i'm much grood at it though.

*deep sigh*

in other news i had a somewhat depressing dream last night as well. in the dream i fell asleep or weent to take a nap, and then i had a dream when i was sleeping in my dream, that satya was introducing me to a friend from school. and then after that dream was over (can imagine the incredible amount of foggy blurry-dreamness it must have been?) i woke up. woke up one year and two months later that is! and everyone's lives had passed. and no one really knew me anymore, and i was less mature because i hadn't had time to grow anymore, and all my friends had different and new friends and i wasn't close to ANYONE anymore. and then my mom was still alive..but no one spoke about her..and she was just like shut up in a hospital, a vegetable, no one ever visited... and dad was talking about how after we spend this 25,000 on her medicine that if it fails to work we can't help her anymoree.

so utter depressing.

in other news, ezra and isaiah are going to california for a bit.

and on friday satya, manda, and i went to jon's, and dan came and we did random things like bored and computer games. slept over at manda's, made wontons the next day. ..yea...

i need Jesus.....

i wish J term would just put me out of misery.

hte yda oyu lspipde waya

2006-01-13T11:04:00.000-06:00

wow..isaiah just literally rolled out of bed.

i went to a mongolian barebecue yesterday. with steph. it was fun. and i saw kate! and we went targetting. and i hung around with steph the whole day, which is fun.

i've been drinking so much lemon water..it's crazy.

i don't know, i'm just not in a posting mood. more of a drain-my-mind-out-on-nothing mood. so as some people i know say.. "i got nothing"

so there ya go.

from sunday...

padre and clem

moldy pan found in fridge

empty fridge-TODD!

she may kill me but i love her anyways

satya and her mint tea

daddy's little boy sock

also known as perturbed

2006-01-09T15:05:00.000-06:00

so my oh so very kind small group came to my house to clean it for us for small group.. it was mucho fun. we played music, cleaned, found mold. except there was many people underfoot and i heard my name called way too many times. but alls well that ends well. and heh, steve glancey and his friend aaron ended up coming over and helping as well. steve cleaned the living room closet and said there was way too many uncloset like things in it. and he found this shirt that i'm being force to wear on wednesday. (hehe) and this amazing hat that i let him keep because i figured, hey, it's just sitting there.

so my house got clean.

i come back today (satya and i had more dance lessons) and it's undergone clutter attacks and stuff thrown whereever. and once again my brothers still don't care if they leave their cruff everywhere for someone else to clean. and natalie even told them how to flush but it wasn't flushed.

hmm..

so saturday i went to pilar's and i love that woman. and her house is lovely, and her parents are so lovely..and her mom is a wonderous cooker. we painted and talked and listened to music.
grood sfutt.

i spent thursday and friday with manda and we had lovely times. love her much..

gotta flee.

-----------

edit:
mwuhaha
steph's button on her amazing jacket!!

my cat just caught a mouse

2006-01-04T22:32:00.000-06:00

i love sojourners. steve glancey is pretty amazing.

and here is the current song i'm addicted. it's so pretty..in a hard rockish way.

Blindside-You Must Be Bleeding Under Your Eyelids

Her pain is a fog he inhale
Puts down the phone, neck suddenly stale
Just another night with a sad different song
Heard from someone now she sings along
Turn the car-key, back out through the driveway
He sees her face when he close his eyes
She still believe the lies

Pretty pretty eyes with a darker tone
Another hour in front of a mirror now all the scars are shone
And They say lets have another toast lets sing another song
She tries but the wine is bitter and the words wrong
She still believes the lies

When you see yourself you're seeing red
And it makes you blind
You must be bleeding under your eyelids tonight
You wait for something to break the mold
And all I can do is wipe the blood from your eyes
You must be bleeding under your eyelids

One tear in the sink, swallow the next one
Now out of sight but not really gone
I put the key in the door don't want to walk through
Hang on the handle for a second or two
And As the door opens I can feel your sadness from across the room
And now for your beauty I'm lost for words

When you see yourself you're seeing red
And it makes you blind
You must be bleeding under your eyelids tonight
You wait for something to break the mold
And all I can do is wipe the blood from your eyes
You must be bleeding under your eyelids tonight

Wait for something to break the mold.
You must be bleeding under your eyelids

When you see yourself you're seeing red
And it makes you blind
You must be bleeding under your eyelids tonight
You wait for something to break the mold
And all I can do is wipe the blood from your eyes
You must be bleeding under your eyelids tonight

Wait for something to break the mold
Before your eyes grows old and cold
Keeps your ears close to the ground
Don't move until you hear a sound

Dude who works at soujourners: Here's your change, AND you get the Tennessee quarter.
Me: Whoa..

i saw you for the first time all over again

2006-01-01T23:19:00.000-06:00

"i tried to hold your hand but all you wanted to hold was your grudge"

the new remix version is probably the best relient k song ever...

i know i know, relient k? but the new remix cd is sorta grood..

i love j term..i'm so happy i have no school tomorrow, being monday. having a good weekend and then going to school on monday is a sad state.

last week was chaotic.

christmas was spent at old mexico and a movie, and everything other than that wasn't really christmas-y feeling. sorta a sad day without mom and whatnot..

we went to sim's monday night and me adn isaiah ended up sleeping over and that was huge amounts of fun. yes i miss them. i stayed up quite late playing the sims 2 though on their x box. and on tuesday i had fun cleaning a little there and getting wendy's and stuff.

when i finally returned to my home i was sorta sullen and it wasn't very nice of me to myself. We had no computer at that time so I was scrambled, searching for something to do. I was in one of those funk, self pity moods. But guess what!? The Lord is Awesome! I went to find my brother a book he had been reading of sims at his house that I thought we might have. On my journey I found so many hopeful books and this book that had a note my mom made that sorta sprung tears of joy into my eyes. I couldn't explain to you why, because it's sort of something I rememeber as a child that came back. I don't know, it was just one of those times I felt like Jesus was there comforting me, speaking to me, ya know? And I realized that if I pursued God, I can't be let down. Sure satan can block me and make me think God doesn't care and I'm not a wonderful creation, but if I'm actially seeking God He's gonna be right there holding His arms out to me.

randomness...

wednesday..ok
at church i got a little down, but I went home with Satya and that cheered me up. And pilates makes me happy. The next morning we went to a hannukah party and I had mucho fun.

I slept over again because I had this, my family doesn't even care if I'm home and they don't want me, moments. But we had fun once again.

On Friday I ended up going to Britnee's, and..I don't know. I had fun. But I wonder if she did. Saturday eve we went to Sean's and did new years at his house.

Today church was interesting, meh. I've decided phase 10 is probably my new favorite card game. And solitare is grood sfutt.

Went to uncle steve's, and me and uncle john beat my dad and steve 4 times in a row at pool. ate lots..got tired and went into one of teh spare bedroom and watched some cable and we left.

small group party. good.

i leave you in the rest of relient k lyrics.

which to bury, us or the hatchet-rk

I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
The memories that you select
You keep the bad but the good you just forget

And even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
When you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened
And all this time I never thought
That all we had would be all for not

No, I don't hate you
Don't want to fight you
Know I'll always love you
But right now I just don't like you
Know I don't hate you
Don't want to fight you
Know I'll always love you
But right now I just don't like you
Cause you took this too far, too far

Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
Go with your instincts along with some bad advice
This didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
You blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you
But you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand
But you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
You said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

chorus

And wisdom always chooses
These black eyes and these bruises
Over the heartache that they say
Never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
And one day we'll see this come around)
And wisdom always chooses
The black eyes and these bruises
Over the heartache that they say
Never completely goes away

chorus

What happened to us
I heard that its me we should blame
What happened to us
Why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
And know that I don't hate you
And know that I don't want to fight you
And know that I'll always love you
But right now I just don't...

me and nate at old mexico

dad and isaiah at old mexico

the fountain in our dining area there

they had balcony schemes in there as well

a lattern there

me talking to steph while people open christmas presents and nate fools with my camera

clem hiding mehind manda monday morn (she slept over sunday night)

tuesdays menora (happy last day of hannukah everyone!)

a scene from sean's party on new year's eve

snaps fingers hey baby

2005-12-24T20:19:00.000-06:00

you know what's cool? it feels like any other night, not christmas eve. and i like that because i hate commericalism.

but i had a good past couple of days.

friday i selpt in and ended up finish my christmas shopping, well mostly..
and i took a looong walk, and it was so gorgeous out.

i wrapped presents and then natalie picked me up and i went to her house that eve. we had homemade pizza groodness! then nat, andy, naomi and her friend (and natalie's dad) all drove to the mall and wandered around for a little bit. and i got a duke sweater! it's kinda big but i'm hoping it to be comfy and just you know, big and lovely. i love duke..haha, because i pick them to win in college basketball every year even though i have no idea what i'm doing, but once they won! duke nuke-em baby!

we came back, i took a shower, we talked and slept around 12:15ish.

we woke up 7:30ish this morning and got ready to go skiing!!!!!!!

so yea, to sum that up i went skiing for the first time in my life! and i didn't hurt myself! whoooa, and i went down the advanced people slopes, and that would of been so hard for you to believe if you saw me starting out. oh man, i could barely slunk around in those things. but i'm sort of self driven.

the car ride back was much fun haha...andy made my message machine for my voicemail so maybe if you're lucky you'll hear it sometime. oh man..*laugh* he's pretty amazing. and natalie too of course!

back there we had a lovely dinner and then natalie and me played around with this candle on their table with our cameras and andy messed with the fire and drew it and stuff. it was a lovely time. and now i'm home, and i heard the happy song, so i'm motivated! i'm gonna clean house..

thursday was the last day of school for like forever which makes me *sigh quite sad. i'm gonna miss finke and jay and elle and having manda there and such stuff.

on a postitive note i went out for coffee with some people afterwards, but not for long.

things are positive right now, just focus on Jesus and how much He's blessed me, and everything will be amazing.

some pictures from the time.

my comfort taste and smell is mint orbit gum or trident regular mint gum

christmas tree of doom!

andy pretending to smoke a chocolate stick

natalie focusing on her camera

the candle we couldn't stop playing with

andy drawing the candle

i'm sorry that i satyed so long, and to think it could of all been gone away

2005-12-22T19:43:00.000-06:00

a post

candles and lights are good to capture

now for the poem i wrote..

the title is pending but so far i have it as sealing wax-by aekb

Can you be left alone in insecurity?
We might achieve closing up to the public even more
Straining our minds to think of an excuse
You just want the pain to go away that's rendering you sore
Can we kick out the dream hemmed into our minds?
Unstitch the lace that gives it beauty
Stepping out of your way to fashion it as ugly
After all, it is your theological duty
Can you fall in love with someone you're not suppose to?
Simply slip into a mindframe of doubt
Coaxing your head to believe what is untrue
You can bite down hard on grief so easily...
Can you dream about someone who should only be seen?
Is it possible to forget their face, hat, or eyes?
To erase the memory of their weary, yet revealing smile
Can't you just burn the memory until it dies?
Can you really portrait the hope that they'll stay?
When they come back it will all be the same
Fathom they could remember you after a while
The thought it unconsequently lame
Can I just shut up?
Die like a defroster in an already frosted car
Pin up my lips like a mistaked rip
Hide in your closet and say you got far
Can I leave this place without a persisting nip?
Walk away without glancing behind
Storm away without needing the shine
Chew the thoughts from my mind
Can I please just forget you?
I don't want this feeling to guide me
Don't want to remember you
There's more that I should see.

one way out is all your gonna get

2005-12-21T23:39:00.000-06:00

so i really don't know how much i can take of everything. i don't feel like a mature person anymore, i don't want to be right now. i feel like a little girl who just wants eerything to be happy again. i hate pushing everything going wrong to the back of my mind and choking it down. i just want to curl up in my bed and have my mommy. it's so hard not to feel empty. everything is confusing. everyone is at war and i can't make anything better. i want to desperately though to..

i can't even put into words how much i wish mom was here to make everything better. the closer i get to christmas the worse it gets. everything about it is terrible.

no mom no mom no mom.

and what's more? i'm having trouble pushing away some feelings i definitely shouldn't have.

and shcool gets out tomorrow for break. i'm excited yes, but when i come back everyhting will be different, i won't be as comfortable as i am like now cause it will take a while to warm up. and i'll loose relationships. and the schedule is changing. i'll be gone for like 3 or 4 weeks for j term and break and stuff.

it sucks. i'll be around here more...and yea. i just need to shut up.

i wrote a poem today.

can you feel the love tonight?

2005-12-20T23:06:00.000-06:00

here's a quote from one of my amazing brothers whom i love dearly.

"Anna your the most moronic little 14 yr old I have known. Stay out of adult talk! You are young and dum so please dont commit on my site because if you do then I am never giving you rides to places like I have been. You are so stuck up it makes me sick."

(Typed btw)

And what's weird? He writes this and before i read it and talk to him he acts like eveything's cool. i feel he's living in this fantasy, tell-everyone-off dreamworld, but he's not that person in real life. ..yea so now i have to choke back tears and wtach him make out with his so called girlfried who reminds me almost exactly like brenda, and wonder why my dad won't do anything when i tell him to.

and why am i so forgiving. ezra's not, i am. i must of inherted his supply.

iunno. at least he capitalized my name when he wrote to me? and i guess now i know for sure he doesn't want a christmas present from me. ..or even me?

good movies:

king kong
narnia
cinderella man..yes yes
march of penguins

bad movies:

syriana
dukes of hazard

and michelle sorry i haven't returned your calls yet (and sim) sorta bad timing, but i'll try calling tomorrow hopefully because i'm not sure if i'd wake you guys if i did now..

another good note..i saw the nutcracker at the historic theater place and it was so beautiful and gorgeous.

waiting for someone to come along and find me..

2005-12-16T22:12:00.000-06:00

man i'm such a pointe poser.

that was actually pilar's.

i want to go to the nutcracker ballet on monday..we got free tickets from school. we always get free tickets to see things, like the boyfriend and stuff.

hey i got tagged by christine..

5 weird habits about Myself!

Ground Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a xanga entry about their 5 weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their xanga IDs. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "You are tagged" in their xanga and tell them to read yours!

1: I use to hang out in my closet ALOT. writing poems and in my journal and my Bible and mellowing out in there on that big blue pillow, sometimes curling up and wanting to fall asleep on the floor in the dark with the door closed.

2: I collect bottles and pop cans

3: I also keep everything sentimental to me, which is everything that gives me a good memory

4: i don't use a fork to eat my pizza O.o

5: i often do ballet when i'm standing waiting for something..

and something you don't know about me:
i can actually be kinda snappy to my family. but not always, usually when i'm trying to unwind on the computer and they're talking to me, and i'm not paying attention and yea..otherwise i think i'm ok.

today and yesterday were GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD DAYS!

although the car stalled at hebrew and i skipped my 6th period arts class i talked to satya for a little bit when waiting for the classes to switch, and then i hopped over to roy wilkins. pilates was ok. i love making my abs stronger. ballet was sooo much fun because christine's class joined ours, and she's so cute!! her and stephanie helped me prepare for my ballet exam. which i think i did ok at, and for our bonus round, she was trying to think of a hard thing for me to do because i'm actually worthy of something hard! (well in our beginning class)

and today the academics went by fast. i had cold pizza for lunch. and the friday arts classes were so much fun!!! i was in this "audition" with alot of other people and satya, and we had to do solos and learn a little dance but i think i actually did ok, like i was comfortable. And then..we got an early release!! yea, like 2:30. some of us went to starbucks than tried on prom dressed at marshall fields and then i just left. i got home before 4. m-azing.

and tonight i went to cosettas and had amazing fun times with Shirley.

so yep..that's me.

wednesday was weird. sean got his license! and he drove me home. craaazy.

ciao.

if the truth didn't hurt so much, then i wouldn't lie

2005-12-13T20:10:00.000-06:00

i actually wrote a poem just now..haven't in a while. i feel lonely in this house. i wish someone was about. i love Jesus.

yes...

My disgrace-

pushing myself through the hall
often forcing my legs to move
never the oppourtunity to stall
they nudge you in the wrong direction
the right one is just beyond the door
where the chill picks up
sliding quickly into my inner core
and i'm left in lonely shivers
truth be told...
i handed you a lie
what does the truth hold?
a lightning bright amount of anger
and what freezes me up every time?
your naive steps..words..thoughts
just stay in line
that's all i beg of you
lest i collapse

yes..well. i find it lovely how no one will ever know what i was talking about in that poem but it's buried in the stitches of those words, so you COULD see, but you just can't.

i recieved 2 new cds from ebay which is good. Man..where is Ben these days? I need his comfort, I need to be cracked up, but I never see him.

i know what i need..i need to get off this blasted thing, it's driving me to insanity. wouldn't it be amazing to get to bed by 9:30. WOW. what a thought..i've decided i'm jealous of manda's down comforter and i need to get one. and an alarm clark that wakes me up by birds chirping. i'm so sick of the BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEEP mine makes.

oh christmas tree oh christmas tree, how scrawny are your branches!

2005-12-12T11:24:00.000-06:00

so yea we now have a christmas tree.

and do you know what!??!?!

mostly me and my dad finally got the living room cleaned and that crap furniture moved OUT. so our house actually looks like mom would live there again. well the living room anyways. well the last time i left it which was this morning.

i'm so hungry..we have no food in our house. so i'll go grocery shopping after school. but i want to go to that concert thing manda's going to tonight. twould be fun..

and natalie borrowed me some books so i have good/helpful reading material.

in other words..i have algebra again next and i haven't been understanding some of it...so..i'll ask the scary man we call teacher. hopefully he's feeling a little less happy today, otherwise i fear the worst.

yesterday i went to a murder mystery diner! and decided i so need to have one. but i could only have like 8 people which sucks..
but the food was soo good, and the people quite amausing, and they had lots of wine. 4 emus! yes that's a wine brand name...one glass was good for me.

i can't/can wait to be an adult because than i'll have one of those houses with amazing food inside of them, and sweet modern furniture from those stores you see in seattle and multiple wine bottles in one of those holders and could have a glass with my meal anytime i wanted. because it's that good.

i saw narnia finally..! such a grood movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woman. woe-man. wooooooe-man!

2005-12-09T23:33:00.000-06:00

so i've basically been having one of those weeks where everything that can go wrong will and it bites down harder and harder until finally it crushes you. and tonight at sara's party it hurt. i think it's also a lot to do with the fact that i'm tired and my major dissapointment about last night, and boys, and my house is a complete mess and no one helps, and isaiah keeps going into my room when i tell him not to and laying on my bed and loosing my cds, and that i can't even begin to describe, how much that irritates me. and also i'm one of those people who needs alone time otherewise i die around people and i've been going this whole school year without that habit, which is weird. and satan keeps messing with my mind telling me that Jesus is mad or sad at me because I haven't been spending much time with him, to the point where i'm just further away from Him, but really He's patiently waiting for me to get away from myself. And I'm so SICK of acting classes because i SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK! at acting. and basically dance. so why am i even at this school? i feel i'm getting nowhere because our friggen teacher just uses the people he already knows are good and doesn't really encourage us it seems or gives us an equal oppourtunity. and yea..

And this all doesn't make sense because it's random ker plunks from my mind.

in a better note, manda and me skipped school on thursday and went to hero. and that was great fun. except the very end is always boring when they vaccuum up and just lulling around mindlessly. but consumer math is probably the best class ever. definitely better than mr buesgens and his gargoyle rapist breath.

card games were always good. and caleb norman is a very interesting person...O.o

heed! get the paper!

wow..i really need sleep...

drinking cranberry ginger ale out of the bottle is my apparent fantasy

2005-12-06T17:27:00.000-06:00

or so nate says.

so today our school went to julie andrew's press conference and i was like 15 feet from her. my cell phone took crappy pictures though...oh well.

in other news josh won't stop calling my cell phone, even when i'm in school because he's seriously on something. i answered once an he said he was at the airport and people were out to get him and called him a child molestor on the bus..and OH MAN.
that man.. And now apparently the police are looking for him because he killed babies, what??

i love him, but oh man.

not much more to say..it's been a ho hum week.

last night before bed i went through my old journal, and my journal i kept when i was in israel, and it made me laugh at myself and remember those days. So when I was Israel it was at a convocation and people from all over the world came to pray for Israel and their countries, which was a good experience to meet lots of people. Like from ethiopia, nijeria, australlia, africa, all that stuff. (most of the africans spoke french..twas odd at that time)
Anyways I sorta met this one guy named John and he was 15 going on 16 in a couple of months and I was 11. Despite this though I had this huge crush on him. Ha..oh man...apparently every time i saw him he would raise his eyebrows up at me. And I think I was almost convinced he liked me. I probably convinced myself heh. He was from Indiana and I knew his last name and that the guy who sat in front of him on the airplane probably didn't believe in deodorant. oh man..and i always wanted my mom to say, "she's in her twelfth year" to try to trick people into thinking i'm older. oh man was i stupid. anna, you're 11, he's 15! but i guess the whole experience made me smile now.

and my other silly little journal posts i made in my regular journal. i thought i was so wise then, but now i look back and laugh at how dumb and loserish i was.

so yea.

-----------

haha..

me: guess what i met julie andrews today
ben: who's that?
me: you know, the lady in sound of music and mary poppins.
ben: oh that lady who goes, a tea?
me:..yea..

later

ben: anna met mary poppins today
nate: i know she told me

haha oh man..

i've tried so hard to not walk away

2005-12-04T22:38:00.000-06:00

myspace is so weird. i got this bulletin and you're suppose to repost the month you were born and it's suppose to describe you..i decided not to waste people's times there and post it here cause it sorta almost applies..

"FEBRUARY:

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift."

the last couple of lines are confusing though..and the who rebellion thing and stubborn..yes not really those.

it's so weird how this weekend was so fun but i get home and it seriously seems like someone died. i'm just waiting for my dad to tell me my cat died or something. everyone is so downcast and..strange..and brothers..yea..

but saturday was great fun with satya and manda, we made words in the snow by the park by satya and swung on the swings and went down the slippery slides. and i looked like a stupid little puff child because i had all the stupidest snow clothes she could borrow me on. so yea..
but it was fun and we mauled eachother down and ran and their both cute...

and we watched so i married an axe murderer and baked cookies. and supper! OH MAN! we had steak. it was an amazing meal.

today church was ok..we did some praying.

i ended up going home with nat unexpectedly and that also was delightful. we talked some and then i ate lunch with their family, interesting conversations. and then nat went upstairs to work on worship lyrics for covenant groups while andy, and i talked in the living room, and naomi (her sister) said random things here and then. it makes me laugh though because everytime naomi says something two seconds later andy is like, "shut up nom!" and goes back to talking. oh man..amusing. we talked about how much sundays suck. and good stuff like that.

then he and his parents left and i tried on this dress..;) and did some homework while natalie finished up.

when they got home natalie drove (whoa) to small group with her dads guidance, and Andy and I talked about in the back. we went to SA and got coffee and green tea..grood stuff.

and then the car trunk popped open and andy tried to tell me the car blew up, and at first i didn't believe him, but then he gave such great detail so i thought it was true. but it wasn't. so i told him he should be a writer. and natalie said, you tell him anna! and so i did, again.

small group was fun, people were knitting, lots of stuff, we had worhsip..and yea here i am. back again..

to this stupid life reality schoolness.

mook

2005-12-02T23:43:00.000-06:00

a thought...

so how was the christmas banquet you ask? much better than expected. and yes i went to leah's house early from school and we got all lovely and stuff and then..church.

i didn't eat that much due to a sugar high on starbucks before hand and..you know i just felt dishuffled. now i regret it because i'm very hungry..*sigh* i should have gobbled down those ribs...

dancing was crazy fun, and me and leah froliced down the halls and sang. yep..good times. :)

some pictures...

ahh yes the glasses..

what splendor!

natalie and todd love stroking balloons

leah flies!

peter being peter

you know you're jealous of sean

merrill, hot stuff!

peter decided it'd be a good idea

mmm getting high off the fog machine

so yea some snippets of that. i have some amazing videos. one chich includes natalie telling us how she was sniffing rubber cement in english class because she likes the smell. hehe, how many times have i heard that story?

snag free twin wire

2005-12-01T18:37:00.000-06:00

so the joke of today at school was about the registered level 3 sex offender who dropped his cell phone (or according to miss cassirly was watching adam pick it up) right by the roy wilkins door. so yea, he's one of those old scruffy guys who has nothing better to do than watch little kids. so everyone was extra freaked out about walking outside and people on the streets. another thing to add to my getting raped and getting aids fear.

school seems to consume me and i spend my my hours of life on it. i get home and have 2 hours at least worth of homework so i can't even play anymore..and i'm there until 4:30. sometimes i wonder why i go. it seems like it's a waste...

*me eating olives*
ben: are those olives you're eating?
me: no ben it's chocolate
ben: really? *squints*
me: ..no Ben
Ben: oh..*sigh* i thought it was for a second there..

it's easier to think about happy things then everything else quaking my world.
everything else...

christmas banquet tomorrow..should be interesting. in the negative way perhaps.

me and manda almost went to hero today and skipped school, but i decided i couldn't with hebrew and stuff...

memories are what i have left of you..

i had another mom dream last night. she always holds me in them..sometimes they seem so real, like she'll be there when i wake up.
but i'm left here silent, while everyone else takes their problems out on me or blames her death for crap they do.

more kmax goodness..

"...and i want everything to stay ( i wanted to stay)
the same as yesterday
i want everything to stay the same ( i want it to stay)

love is a deadly potion
stabs the heart and bleeds emotion
and now nothing is the same again

oh the politics of love
oh the politics of love and not feeling loved
i know you, you doubted me all along
even when i told you that you were the one
and in the street i left a lonely rose
that no one knows, and no one knows, and no one knows
but me

i want everything to stay
the same as yesterday
want everything to stay the same

love is a deady potion
stabs the heart and bleeds emotion
love is a chain reaction
we just thought it was attraction

and i never wanted to change ( and now you forced me)
and i never wanted to change ( and how you forced me)

and i know it for a fact."

paged through....

2005-11-26T21:44:00.000-06:00

i love discovering new moosic to listen to. all of a sudden i feel i'm in a dire (is this even a word?) need for new combat boots. true mine are suppose to last quite a while more, and sure they do. but everyone still practically thinks their snow boots if i don't wear short pants with them or something. i really want the steel toed, combatness to rub off on me. like these
also i want to get a couple new cds...

haha i'm in love!!! click here for the amazing kidd-o. (note: not reccomended for dial up users)

so my day has been filled with homework homework and homework. i was working on hebrew since and stopped to take a break at 6:30 and then this 9:30 one. And I still haven't really accomplished half of it. But you know...progress.

LAst night I ended up going to this ultra orthadox Jew household, and what a marvelous experience it was. I actually ate gafeltafish for the first time, which is really distasteful in my opinion, but managable with horseradish sauce.

i just can't put it's lovelyness in to words..
the kids...awwww so CUTE

i really like watching cops and america's most wanted. i liked when the cops had to use the tazor gun and the dog had to chow down on the incompliant man's ankle. good stuff. not sure which one i like better. cops has some of the most interesting people. like guys who try to steal flamigos that are drugged up. but america's most wanted give's better stories..so yea. hard to pick.

oh and about the last post, it's a story sean found yesterday when i was talking to him on his computer and showed me the amazingness of it. so i just had to post it, but the computer kinda screwed it up. so yea....that's that.

now i'm alone and tired and bored and procrastinating a little for the rest of my homework.

kevin max can be good..

Kevin Max-Your Beautiful Mind

The question is where did this begin
Who authored and who finished it
Such a beautiful world
But such a twisted plan
For it to end before we really lived in it

Oh tell me why this is happening
Oh tell me should I believe in anything

I find your beautiful mind in everything
But everything can make me believe
I find your beautiful eyes see everything
So show me something beautiful please

Corporation's rights
As the working man will fall
We bit the apple, now the apple's eating us
We won our fifteen minutes
Then we won it all
Watch our own image bleeding us
I feel so cold and I'm growing old
Come on now just finish it

Oh tell me what's the purpose of love
She looks the best when she just walkes away

I find your beautiful hands make everything
And everything is all I need
I find your beautiful eyes see everything
So show me something beautiful please

I can not figure it
Tell me Lord
Please show me Lord
Let me see it

Is there a code that I can't crack?
My life is slipping right off the tracks
Don't even know if I want it back
So take it away from me

I find your beautiful mind in everything
And everything is all I need

I find your beautiful eyes see everything
So show me something beautiful
I find your beautiful eyes see right through me
So show me what You want me to be

hehe

2005-11-25T22:16:00.000-06:00

"The life of Dan, no last name:
No one knew sure why he didn’t have a last name. People just called him Dan and that was that. Not many knew of his childhood or of his family for that matter they just thought up many stories and told them to children. Not to scare them but to always look for more than what there was, only telling the part of the story that kept them guessing for more. The children would learn something, longing for more a good quality for a kid but as they grew up there longing for the end of the stories, for the suspence to be over, to hear of a happy ending. The end of the story was what they longed for and happyness in the end is what they expected.
shnizel1212: This story is not like that this story does not end happily or for that matter it does not end at all. This story is of all the little thingy that are stored up in your head and just trying to escape. This is not a comic and there will not be pictures along the way.

Not many knew of the green old farm house in the middle of nowere where Dan had lived for the past 10 and 1/2 years. The viligers of his little town only herd, old so called fairy tales of Dan and his “honting”. A laughing matter really the parents who told these fairy tales only thought they would get a laugh or two by scaring there children. But really all they were doing s putting unfinished stories in the childrens heads"

as soon as you stepped through my door..i saw you for the first time all over again

2005-11-24T12:19:00.000-06:00

remember when i said i had pictures? yes well here's some..

shadow of me

lovely foster child

watching clifford

curling the hair

playful kittens

comfortable

how loveable

Bible thumper. (just joshin your tators)

curled hair

more curled hair

my wall of fame

green grass...

paper clips

rolling down another day...

2005-11-23T22:29:00.000-06:00

everything's fell apart...everyone seems to hate eachother. and then hating me because i'm not taking sides but they think i'm taking the other persons side.

i thought this first holiday without my mom would be ok, i wasn't too sad. but now i wish she was here...

i just don't want everyone fighting and be hypocrites and gossiping. i get enough of that already at school and crap. some vaca this is. i want to go to sims but i think my brothers with hate me than and think i'm a trader(?)

maybe i'm better off just going to amanda's. at least they're one of those not too many effecting problems for the most part play cards with their old aunts and uncles and stuff..

gee-im-a-tree

2005-11-22T19:21:00.000-06:00

sometimes some fish like cheese.

it's funny remembering last year around this time. i remember going to church the day before thanksgiving and we had extra computer lab time and i was showing peter my blog, and i had written that i suck in really big letters and he said, "Awww, I don't think you suck." And I liked him then so I cherished those words for infinity.

Yep, life is quite random...and those aim stalker days...

HAHAHAHA...i remember that website..

"When we're together I feel perfect. When I'm pulled away from you I fall apart. Though you stay a secret to me. Your eyes are so blue, I can't look away, as we lay in the stillness you whisper to me, Anna marry me, promise you'll stay with me"

heh, it's one of those things that are quite funny to look back upon.
but in essence, was really saaad. on my part.

so in news, i got a cell phone, so ask me for the number, and if you have sprint i can talk to you for however long you wish because it'd be free for us.

last friday was fnl, and i was excited that day for it, but everything just got weird, and before the rivera concert i was at a breaking point almost, so i gathered natalie and we went into the prayer room and prayed. and..it was an amazing refreshing time. do you know that feeling you get in your stomach when you're in love and all giddy and everything inside of you just flips and you can't stop smiling, and your eyes shine? well i felt that! but for Jesus. and that is what made me exhuberantly happy.

than dwayne polk, hehe, ended up joining us, and then satya and andi came in! and andi started praying for his friend and ended up in tears, ..just..wow.

eventually satya natalie and i remained in the room and prayed more. we missed the whole concert...but i didn't care. rivera is good but God is way better.

later, sean h, barbie, britnee, nikki, and i ended up walking to sojourners. sean is really funny in a subtle way. the whole time he walked ahead of us and had this whole, i'll protect you all from the gang bangers, air about him. (it was like 10:30 at night on the east side) one time this car kept honking at us in the taco bell parking lot and he kept trying to stare them down. it was funny yet very strange at the same time....

anyways to make a long story short, i went back to britnee's with nikki for the weekend. and they put curlers in my hair and we lazed about, and played stupid graphic ps games. like crash and spyro the dragon and stuff. we watched left behind 3 and napoleon dynamite. good stuff...

i ate a very hot pepper on accident that constantly burned my mouth for ten minutes and made my face seriously turn bright red. it was crazy man.

sunday they put me in preppy clothes and my hair was curly and i had more makeup than i would ever think to put on. i beared through it though.

i had to go out with aunt k. and she seemed a little less emotional than usual, almost like she heard that i've said bad things about her and was tightening up like a corn stalk. suspicious.

i spent the night at manda's after covenant groups, and we only have one more day of school tomorrow and than freedom for four whole days. with church the night before! what joys..

i'm having a few problems at school with someone but i can't really get into detils without gossiping. oyvi, it has something to do with needing my space though.

acting classes=BLARG

so yea.

i'll post some pics of that later, currently this keyboard isn't quite working for that task..

thoughts of the day:

having lost one parent makes you very frightful as to loosing the second. it's like, once this one is gone, there's no one to fall back on..no other parental figure to trust and love. it'd be a whirlwind of grief.

arthur quote of the day:
(if i can remember it properly)

arthur: prunella..is this your hair?

---edit

actually i was reading michelle's comment (i feel for you dear, and i'm glad you didn't have cancer, your blog won't let me comment so that's why i'm writing to you here, and i'll definitely listen to whenever you need to vent) and i ended up looking at some picture of my mom. so i'm posting some pictures of my madre, that almost captures the essence of her..

my dad, her, and me

hehe, definitely a joke.

her holding me as a wee child

heh, i think she took this picture with josh when he was in jail

a picture i took of her in Israel. (yes i realize i sorta got in the way)

she always smiled alot..and when i was pouting or overdramatizing something instead of getting impacient with me she's just make some silly funny joke that at the time i'd get quite irritated with. she was so sweet and gentle, and loved so many people. i wish i could be more like her..

Yah, for shure, you betcha!

2005-11-15T17:58:00.000-06:00

i'm eating skin. turkey skin...aka FAT. not like it's going to have any effect on me, because i have the gaining weight disease.

so starting from sunday, todd made me a cake. it said: happy birthday anna, except not really.

but then they ate it while i was in worship. they meaning the silly boys. but apparently sean said not to.
church was fun, natalie was cute, she kept shooing Andy away because we were having "Anna Natalie Time" heh :D

after church my dad took me and britnee to the olive garden and we frood. soo good...i had wine sauce on my chicken and linguine.

then we went to maplewood mall and i bought britnee some stuff, and manda and natalie something too. i'd rather give things to people really. i feel like i don't need anything. meh. I think Jesus fills me up so much that I couldn't really ask for something more. Sure I like it when people give me things, because, it always seems to just be perfect...I like my friend's clothes.

had small group that night, we did alot of worship, and that was lovely. amanda is an AMAZING singer, and natalie can play the guitar quite well in my opinion.

did homework that night or something.

monday school was meh. after regular classes during art i didn't do much, watched people's dances. it makes me wish i could do ballet.

today was the same thing. except our class did work on james dean. that stupid dance where i have to shake my hips and make sure i look mysterious, but not like i'm cutting myself. (or so jay says) Definitely not inviting family members to the showcase.

satya tried showing me how to indian dance, didn't work so well. heh.

i trudged home in the rain. and now i sit here thinking about my carrot story. yes i wrotee a story for english about a carrot. inspired by amanda. she's amazing creative, it makes me smile.

haha world history and spanish with her are lovely. she braids your hair during the lame old movie, and draws silly pictures. and in spanish writes you silly notes so you break out in silent laughing fits.

yes i like going to the gay school when i'm there. except for the times when mr BISGUINES is being stupid. which is often, but when he's extra stupid. it makes me want to scream and walk down the hallway, out of class. sometimes i wonder if i could excel better in algebra if the teacher was better.

the morning is hard though. waking up, placing your cold feet on the freezing wood floor. (because it's 56 degrees in your house) ((no we haven't turned the heat on yet this year)) (((i think my dad's waiting for december))) and findig clothes to wear, and walking in the cold air to the bus. and making sure you geet to the bus at a reasonable time. oh man. it all makes me tired just thinking about it. but i haven't had much homework lately due to the fact i've been getting it done in school. (i did all the algebra homework in class for 2 days straight now!)

but yea. that's me.

bored in the wilkins.

city from the bus

P♥M Wonderful

2005-11-12T18:00:00.000-06:00

sometimes myspace makes me want to just curl up and die.

i feel like watching the goonies. i haven't watched that in forever.

i'm rather dulled at the moment. i should clean or do hebrew. or maybe call someone.
i'm so use to being gone every second of my life now.

anyways to update.

wednesday church was quite lovely. britnee broke up with max. amazing. me and satya hung out with alex and his cube he could make into a cobra for a while. and then peter jon and sean came. all amusing children. and then peter had to take a picture of jon's hands and yea. natalie, andy, and pilar came and then things were hopping. after service and worship i talked with andy a few different times about stuff like bob dylan and thrift stores and me being rich. he's a healthy catch.

slept over at manda's with britnee that night.

thursday after school on the bus ride home was rather odd. the bus driver i could tell right away was a curious man.
a little while later a guy with this HUGE afro walked in and after he walked by the driver turned to me and started laughing and later made some sort of he'd need a bigger hat size comment. O.o

and then he started asking me if i've lived on the east side all my life and how it's changed. i told him some things haven't, like the trees. and he later asked me if i liked trees more than the normal person. i told him no. and then he said he did, and went on to talking about trees and treehouses and how squirrels are very terrotorial.

yea it was weird. he reminded me of someone from the xfiles, who secretly turned into a self desire controlled monster who eats peeoplee's brains. that was a good episode.. man i miss the days i would sit and watch xfiles with nate. xfiles is probably one of the best shows ever. besides arthur and seinfeld.

and on friday a different bus driver man was talking to me. he asked me if the girl with the black curly hair (manda) tanned!? i was like..umm yea kinda..

and later he started talking about his 12 year old trouble making son who talks to girls alot and it gets him in trouble. so i asked him if he wanted me to pray for him, and he said that he suppose i should. we talked about church, and apparently he thought satya, manda, and i were bad girls because sometimes we wear all black. but we talk about carrots with black beaty eyes, and todd being a women when we're on the bus. not very observant..

he talked to me about how he should get his family going back to church and eating around the dinner table, and i ended up telling him my mom died because he asked about my mom. weird... i never want to see ihm again. manda and satya, we are never taking taking that bus he drives to church ever again! he's watching us..

we had a bunch of showcase cruff at school yesterday, and satya told me how much i sucked at shaking my hips. another thing i can't do.

i ended up going there last night. satya's i mean. she had an india presentation for people who supported her and her mom made really good rum cake and chai tea and other stuff. what a lovely time. then pearl gave me hip shaking lessons, and we watched lost. satya didn't really like that..

today i took a walk around phalen with my dad and Shirley, and 'saiah. andd we went shopping and i am home..

yea i'm going to stop listening to evanescence now and do something better.

"Will you forgive me again? I don't know what I said. but I didn't mean to hurt you..

I heard the words come out, I felt that I would die. It hurt so much to hurt you.

Then you look at me, you're not shouting anymore. You're silently, broken.

I'd give anything now, to kill those words for you. Each time I say something I
regret I cry, I don't wanna loose you, but somehow I know you will never leave me.

Cause you were made for me, somehow I'll make you see, how happy you make me. Ohh..

I can't live this life, without you by my side. I need you to survive.

So stay with me. You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry...

And you forgive me again, you're my one true friend, and I never meant to hurt you."

This song makes me think of insense, and rainy days. Driving home with mom. When I liked peter.

Ok now I'm listening to think twice, which makes my heart sparkle.

Oh btw, thanks Jon for the cd.

rocco, angel, and marco, heh murder mystery diners..

2005-11-08T18:28:00.000-06:00

hey.. i should do that sometime..that'd be fun!

today when i was riding home in the bus i looked in the window of this hardware store, and in the display window was a cat bed, and all of a sudden this siamese cat jumps up and sits in it. it was amazing!

it's amazing how much i've crammed into my brain since coming to this school.

so on saturday, i went irish dancing, (so fun) at a pub. and i like the way my clothes smell afterwards, all smokey and stuff. i usually don't like cigarette smoke, but just something about this pub..they give out free popcorn.

and later i went to natalie's house and hung out with her, pilar, and nat's borther andy for the rest of the night. we went to subway, walgreens, pilar smacked me in the face, we rented some movies, it was good! i like her house. and andy's quite amusing to hang out with. he always says blood, and then tells himself he has to stop saying that or he'll get shot. we watched speak, and never been kissed. speak was good. never been kissed was so chick flicky, hehe, but andy even watched it with us. and apparently natalie informed him that i'm his future wife, so it's all good. (to my brothers- a joke silly!)

the next morning we had....HOT APPLE CRISP WITH VANILLA ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST!! it was so good.

church was good bad, kinda ho hum, didn't talk to people much.

in the afternoon i lollygagged and went out to eat with my padre. ate yummy food and went to covenant groups. and later ended up spending the night at manda's with britnee and nikki. i had fun.

monday is gone..what'd i do..oh! i had parent teacher conferences for forever. i didn't have to go but i decided to anyways. i got a lot of b's and 2 a's. it makes me mad. espeically because i try my hardest and still get a b. (arts i mean) i'm jealous of you manda. the highest grade i have is in litereature. a 95.5 a. the class is super easy. and to sum up what all the teachers said, (and it took until 9:15pm to get out of there, such a long day!)

Anna is a sweet girl who's very respectful and quiet, her class is very loud, and I appreciate her silence. But she needs to learn how to have mroe confidence, or, singing is a new skill for her, or, you need to work on your breathing, and your core.

eh. and that's the extent of what they all said. arts classes mroe so towards the bottom. i work hard they say, but i guess it's not hard enough. oh well..

spanish test was today. plech. going to go eat and do homework now..i had some mint ice cream to tide me over, earlier.

nothing tangible left to gain...

2005-11-04T21:49:00.000-06:00

have you ever had those moments where you miss someone so much and you can't hold them or feel them, so you search desperately for something to wrap your arms around and squeeze? you find a blanket and bundle it up or a pillow and squeeze as tight as you can and bury your face into it's warmth. but it only hurts more. it only chokes you up more inside and burns your heart.

i was reading stuff in my journal tonight and how much easier life was a year ago, two years ago. i thought it so hard then..but now i wonder why i took advantage of it so much... i guess i'm in one of those lonely-nothing-to-do-but-put-yourself-down-friday-night moods. they suck. sorta relaxing though. i can go to bed whenever i want, and wake up whenever i please.

today for masters classes i did nothing really cause i'm not good enough in acting or dance to have a part in the showcase for our parents, or whatever to get a part. i don't mind much. i was able to goof off mostly..i did some pilates wiht manda and christine. (hehe christine, the whole wall leg partner stretching thing. ^_^) and then manda left to dance, and i told adam that really long red house cheerios story and he said afterwards he wanted to throw himself over the balcony. heh. there was a band playing there so the place was vibrating. (not relient k though)

miss pilates took some of us out for a refreshing pilates walk around downtown. so we were walking backwards in this group, and i took a bunch of photos. so maybe in a little while i'll post a link to see an online albumn of them up soon or something.

yep that's me..

------------------djghhddfghf

ok so i made an albumn on msn. click here and it should work if you go to the drop down menu and choose the galloping downtown pictures. yep..otherwise i'll murder it in it's sleep. or try here

I wanna know!!

2005-11-03T22:22:00.000-06:00

I found the slick song we dance to in Mt dance that makes us think of leather jackets. And I'm posting the lyrics, risque as they are..

It's by some guy..

I could make James Dean the music scene
I could be a big star like that man called Queen
I could put them fly moves with the dancefloor dream
But if she can't seem to notice me
Then what's it worth now

Could have my teeth flashing a Brad Pitt smile
Be wearing Versace 'cause that's my style
I could get my hair cut by the extra mile
But if she can't make it worth my while
Then what's the point now.

I wanna know if you're busy
I wanna know if you're doing anything tonight
I wanna know if you missed me
I wanna know baby
I wanna know

I wish that I could kiss your lips
the way that I
I want to baby
I wish that I could be your man
I wish that you could be my lady.

I could be Sly Stone of the Family Crew
I could be big Bad Daddy Warbucks and love you too
I could be knocked senseless by what you do
But if it's pain that you put me through it isn't love now
I made up my own darn mind
I'm getting no love after all this time
I'm gonna make music 'till my brain is fried
Because you can't see the man inside
It ain't enough now

I wanna know if you're busy
I wanna know if you're doing anything tonight
I wanna know if you missed me
I wanna know baby
I wanna know (repeat 2x)

I wanna know

I wish that I could kiss your lips
The way that I
I want to baby
I wish that I could be your man
I wish that you could be my lady

I wanna know if you're busy
I wanna know if you're doing anything tonight
I wanna know if you missed me
I wanna know baby
I wanna know

yep.

my thoughts earlier today conjunctioned with something i remembered i was suppose to do today, sorta, went like this...

i hate dissapointing people. that's all there is to it. i feel i can't keep up with everyone, and then i end up just making a bunch of people mad or sad at my face.

mm..

over tired. but tomorrow's friday. and seriously i think i should just go home and GO TO BED. i need sleep. this week was fast but long...i feel like tuesday was forever ago..even though it was only 2 days ago. iunno. life is weird. had interesting talks with ben tonight in arbys and whatnot. was at the maplewood library. not much luck as far as monolouges go..whatever.

random slur of cruff i put together..hope no one is offended by such..

piiiictures

2005-11-01T18:42:00.000-06:00

whoa...so i recently bought an AMAZING digital camera (recently as in yesterday) and i've been taking many pictures...here is a taste of some. i had to resize them to make them smaller than they were...but yea..

yes, manda and me are amazing.

i forgot what satya was talking to manda about..

haha the amazing shopping list manda got carried away with.

samara? O.o

Manda and Raven are in love!

I like it. It needs no explanation.

hehe Rachel..

The scurburly man pumpkin I made Manda.

where i do ballet

fool!

so yea..my latest preoccument. lots more pictures coming...*whistles innocently*

today when i was waiting for my bus alone at dusk in downtown i notice there was a whole family of field mice not far away chasing eachother around in the leaves, and then a quirrel joined in. yes..cute..

i have alot of homework. tests and quizzzes and cruff. ..oy.

but church tomorrow! what joys..

all needed.

2005-10-31T11:04:00.000-06:00

song i've had stuck in my head for the weekend..

dashboard confessional-vindicated

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, and so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away [3x]
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away [4x]

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

Slight hope
Dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption.

i need a digital camera. no school today. yes..it makes me happy. yesterday i had the oppourtunity to squish my feet in spaghetti noodles, and try taking out marbles with them. yes, it felt good.

what makes my heart beat faster-

hungry...very..

2005-10-26T18:13:00.000-05:00

Happy Belated Birthday to the oh so lovely Michelle!!!!

i'm it

2005-10-25T17:47:00.000-05:00

sooo i read christine's xanga and apparently i have to post 5 of my favorite current songs. unless she meant some other girl named anna.

1. breathe you in by tfk
2. Jesus your love is a mystery by telecast
3. i'm singing that one nutcracker song. i absolutely love nutcracker music.
4. i miss you by incubus
5. all of us by blindside...

hmm and i had that staind song stuck in my head last night..fade.
yep.

i think i'll not tag..oh wait.. i tag a, b, c, d, and e! mwuhaha.

last night i went out with my aunt and cousin and isaiah and we had interesting times.. stevie is insane. .. you'd have to meet him to know what i mean.

him: so..i saw some sick monkies today at the zoo, they looked awful.
isaiah: yea so i'm thinking about this new top 100 list
him: are you going to put newsboys on it? cause they have that one good song..
me: wait, wait, wait, what does sick monkies have to do with anything?

hehe...and it took me practically 20 minutes to explain to him how we're going to do pizza. i had to make a blue print of it on a reciept just to show him exactly how it's going to work. wow..and then we got a free pizza because apparently the hamburger on his pizza tasted funny. oh man.

but i went to rosedale mall and got fairie wings. which makes me delightful. no no not for halloween. just because i've always wanted some..

ok gotta go eat and do more homework until bed time or something, man i have so much to do.

--------------------------
EDIT-------------------------
--------------------------

AMANDA HOGAN JUST CALLED AND INVITED ME IRISH DANCING TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!

yesss i'm so excited.. :DDDDD

irish dancing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

2005-10-23T21:09:00.000-05:00

can't i grow up? why am i so selfish. maybe i'm making a big deal out of this dad thing. i know he's lonely, but why does he just talk to random women and then think he's in love. i miss my mom so much, i don't want a new one. now i'm wallowing in self pity and this is stupid because all of my friend's are having major problems. and i..am just being stupid. i'm thinking more about other things people have said and stuff too, and it makes me feel used almost. i'm feeling lonely. ok. i know what i need to do.
natalie was cute tonight, she's going to go to california to retrieve her brother from boarding school, and she's so set on the thought that he's going to fall in love with me and get married to me. heh. Ugh, my friends..they each have some major issues going on, how does life ever get better? We're always stuck in new ruts after we get out of the last one.

"you're such a comfortable liar..."

2005-10-23T16:08:00.000-05:00

ow, i'm sore for some very unknown reason.

I am now home from a retreat I went to this weekend, which I gained some things from. Lots of ping pong. On Saturday they had this activity block in the day where you had to participate in group games and such things to that likeness, and i was in this little group with interesting people. we play a four way hockey game thing with a tennis ball in a field, (ask if you feel you neeed to know more details of what it was like) and extreme kickball with interesting rules as well. In hockey I think I did a lovely job for our team.. Alot of the team just kinda stood by the goalie and waited for the ball to go that direction. *shrugs* at least i got sweaty. i love playing sports and getting sweaty. i suppose that sounds very odd, but then it means i'm trying my best and my body is happy.

hehehe fun times doing the cha-cha with ruth outside of that highschool on saturday night. volleyball we didn't do so well in, oh well.

last night we had pizza at midnight and the retreat place we stayed in had pingpong tournaments going on... Ok so, there's this area you can hang around in with pop machines and the ping pong tables and couches and stuff, and if you look up, there's a balcony that goes all the way around, so the people upstairs can look over at you in the downstairs. annnd so i had a great idea and i ran around the whole balcony/upstairs-ness about a million times. And my hair flung around and people kept asking me when I was going to stop.

Yes, I had fun. Except they had cruffy food. Majorly. I longed for fresh fruit or vegetables.

*shrugs* not much more to say about that. The memories of it are kept in my head now and I don't have to write them all out.

We had stage combat training on Friday at school. Allyssa was my partner, hehe, she's cute. But i had to leave after we worked on fake hair pulling/smashing you into the wall, training. It made me sad. (to get to the retreat you see)

I have alot of homework to accomplish, and housework, and i really need to make dad take me to the co-op to get lunch food for tomorrow. I fear we're running dry on that sort of stuff...

Now ezra's talking about having beer in his room...O.o and I'm listening to I miss you by incubus. (Snaps to Leah)

oh which reminds me...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my darling Leah!!!

yep.

oh..i learned this weekend more about the brain which fascinated me. i really wonder if i'll become a videogame designer, or a some sort of brain surgeon or something, because those are the things that fascinate me. Alot of math I realize it requires, but I think that if I put myself on it, I could conquer math. Especially with Jesus' Help. PRAISE Y'SHUA!! I love... i love love love love Him.

Anyways so I watched this clip from this video which showed that there's these things that you have in your head that have desires, and when you want something it attaches to theese things that fulfill it, and the more you want something, the more are made of those, and then you want to have it. Like self pity. If you desire it more and more, your brain makes more of those little cellthings that can be attached to the other cell things.. Ahh i know of no real terms for this stuff. And there's all these cryptic electrical things that stimulate memory with things, and feelings, like songs!

Oh it's too complicated to explain, but that's the jist of it, and I'm so fascinated. And it causes me to examine myself and see how amazing I am..I can see my hands typing..I..can see other people. I can have feelings for these people, I can relate to these creatures or not realate to them..And God loves me..even though I'm just a person with an amazingly advanced mind that has feelings and desires because of cells and stuff in my head.. Life flows through me! But it's not at all life without God. And pain! How amazing is it that you can feel pain! Something pokes you and you think ow, and you feel it. I feel I have stepped out of that dark closet I've lived in my entire life, and now I'm awed at everything.

Memories are what I have of you..These feelings..of missing you. Yes, I miss you.

Incubus-I miss you

To see you,
when I wake up is a gift
I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same
as I do is a three-fold utopian dream.

You do something to me
that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line
if I said, I miss you.(?)

I see your picture,
I smell your skin on
the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone
ten days, but already I'm
wastin' away.

I know I'll see you
again, whether far
or soon.
But I need you
to know that I care
and I miss you.

long lost tissue

2005-10-17T17:35:00.000-05:00

part of a song stuck in my head from singing for actors:

"Cherry pies, ought to be you. Autumn skies, ought to be you..."

My recent delay of posting is the usual busyness. Infact, I'm going to right now figure out my homework so I don't forget on here.

World History- Finish Map, perhaps i'll do it tomorrow in the nook or something if nto tonight.
Spanish: Oh crap, poem..must be cute.
Physical Science: That weird song thing..i'll just do it tomorrow in class w/ my "partner"
English: Nothing. This is the least challenging class, we hardly ever have homework.
Algebra: finish problems.

Mt dance: nothing
Pee-lattes: study for ab quiz
Ballet: Another easy class that i hardly ever feel challenged at...

Ok. now that that's cleared up..

Life is busy i guess. There's some major, if drama was a llamma, it'd be fat, stuff going on lately. Josh and whatnot. It included a friendly police visit. And lots of foul language.

(pssst, michelle, you rock for what you've been through today!)

Yesterday I had to skip the fun part of church to see relatives. so i was in a car for a while and *shrugs* we ate, went home. then later isaiah, dad and i went to sim's and played more tennis. (we had been playing saturday too) See we left off yesterday cause my dad had to go to work and we were playing me and my dad against Isaiah and Sim, and we both won two games. Soo we had to play a tie-breaker and Me and my dad made a huge come back yesterday from 4-0 to 5-7. And we won. Then it was Isaiah and me against sim and my dad and we prolly would have won (we ended in a half game tie) but it got quite dark so we just went back to sim's and ate pizza.

i wish i could make time to clean my house...or be motivated to.

my dad wants to go to israel in may. and so maybe i'll get to go then. that'd be amazing. it kinda frightens me though, with all the war and cruff happening over there. And the plane ride is tiresome and looong. i don't have a problem with jet lag i don't think though, at least.

anyways, we're going out to eat tonight...so yea.. i have to get off in a sec. i'm writing this slowly because i know you can't read very fast. ;)

oh gosh, i hope when i come back josh issn't drunk or anything.. like the past few nights. grrrr...

school on friday afternoons is a DRAG.

at shabbat that i actually went to friday night were these two foreign exchanged korean girls i talked with for a while. about popular culture mostly. and then they were trying to set me up. heh, it was amusing.

i wish i could engulf my friends in hugs that healed their pain.. :/

what are you thinking? what are you feeling? i need to know..

2005-10-12T21:45:00.000-05:00

ever feel like a loser?

i'm fasting tomorrow for yom kippur i've decided.

Conservatory3

2005-10-11T10:57:00.000-05:00

Yea...here i am in english hour, in the computer lab procrastinating my essay. But not for too long. Just wanted to check my email and what not. After school yesterday was yummy. I went to Jamba Juice with my dad and then the co-op. I really like the way it smells by the butcher area. And last night our family actually sat down at the table and ate a really good meal. Amazing.

I just took a science test, that is questionable in how I did, and I realized that they sometimes give you the answer without knowing it.

Example:

A control system is used in a_______
a- atmosphere
b- air conditioning
c- keyboard
d- electric razer

did you catch it?

see, the a would have to be an if it was going to be any of the answers other than c. but since it's just an a then it has to be a consanant.

yea..i figured it out.

yea well i'm gonna go back to me and elle's table and work on my 5 paragraph essay on the odyssey and how it's related to life. i have a 92.8 A in Lit so far.

throwing rocks at your window..

2005-10-09T17:22:00.000-05:00

i've decided the field of innocence song fits me right now.

my hands smell like britnee.

church was evil today. yes peter, like garbage.

i just got back from playing tennis and i actually got two games off isaiah, m-azing!

i'm sad because i think i saw josh robertson when we were leaving, and i wanted to talk to the silleh boy.

i saw a girl from my school.

i think something's wrong with our soundcard. it's making my music sound echoy and distant, but it's kinda cool, cause i feel like i'm in a cathedral or something and listening to them live..

i miss the summer, and tennis people. reeeeally bad.

i had some fun times playing bible trivia and watching crazy stuff with satya and jon last night.

bagels are laaaame.

i can't stop saying lame now because of peter and kyle r.

yup, that's me.

edit: hahaha peter seent me this link.. mooovie

and the situation isn't quite as intense as i thought

2005-10-06T17:25:00.000-05:00

can you guess what song that's from? HUH!? CAN YA!?

anyways.

yea i know i don't post much anymore but there's a lot of cruff that happens.

you know what's dumb? when you're walking home from the bus stop in a long blakc leather caught and baggy pants and weird mexican dudes across the street look at you. come on people, there's nothing to see. just a member of the opposite sex. And then they have the nerve to go, "did you know my brother likes you?!" 1 word. DESPERATE. And 2, dude, you don't even know me, you can hardly see me, i'm just a teenage girl walking up the block. And I really don't care if you're trying to embarrass your friend/brother to make yourself look cool, cause you're acting like a moron. At least I know that if I picked up a stick and slowly walked towards them they'd run, can't say the same for the stray dogs..

And yesterday I was walking to the bus stop and this weird man was passing me on the block, and he held up a cigarette and mumbled something. I figured he wanted a lighter so I said no and walked on. And he said, ok beautiful. I should have ran back and kicked him in the shins.

Manda spent the night on monday, and we had a picnic under a tree at dc, including ants! and that was lovely. back here though we were rudely interrupted from homework because josh got dropped off over here miserably and completely drunk. so i talked to him and dumped out his beer and HE kept asking me for a lighter too, oooh man. Finally I went to go get him a candle. But when I came back outside he wasn't there. And it was dark so I couldn't see. So I start to call his name, and stuff iniside the shed starts to rattle, and josh comes stumbling, tripping out and when he finally gets on the deck, he doesn't even care about the lighting thing anymore and sits on the cooler. and i tell him to sit down on the cooshy chair and sleep or something, but instead he takes off his shoes and socks, kicks this wooden pole and walks back to the shed.

O.o strange man..

later me and manda see him walkinig across the street and then he walked right into the neighbors house! and i definitely didn't know if he knew them or not. so that was odd..

and later he was here swearing and the usual.

yep, that's life.

school is hard to keep up with, and hebrew..
i hardly got to do much at church last night because of it, pish.

so many songs flow through me head..

"these words have been drained from this pencil.
sweet words that i want to give you,
and i can't sleep,
i need to tell you,
goodnight."

oh yea..last night i i had a dream i was at church and it was leaving time, so i was thinking about who's give me a ride home. and then i turn to walk down the hallway and there, clear in my vision, was my mom. in her winterish clothes, and black hat, with pink cheeks, smiling. and she said that she had been on a trip but now she was back. and i hugged her and wouldn't let her go.

i hate it when my dreams make me think something so sweet could be true. it's been harder without her lately i fear.

i feel sick, eeeooo

2005-09-29T17:32:00.000-05:00

i'm sick. i have a sore throat, runny nose, stuffy head, tired burning eyes, and a cougher man.

i just want to sleeeep.

i still have two algebra sections to catch up on and other homework..

my dad is making tacos...

I'm still in this drowsy stage where I can't believe my mom is gone. Some guy left us a message, cause he was new at this church and wanted to ask my mom a couple questions on this one ministry she was doing and he left his cell phone number. And while you hear that you have to stop and think about what a great person she was and, her sweet gentle voice and loving personality. Sometimes on the bus I wish I could just be my mom and talk to those people without fear, and not be some random wide eyed highschool girl who just looks at you with hidden thoughts.

I wish when I come home on this brisk fall days I'd walk in to my mom making phone calls, I'd have a slight weary headache. She'd make some silly food Isaiah would refuse to eat like curri rice and beans or something. She would have cleaned the living room and had the nice old lamps on. And we'd read some christian character developing book. Like prison to praise or something. She'd catch me watch bad tv shows and I'd do homework. Kiss her goodnight and fall asleep.

the pilates teacher is psycho! And she basically hates our class. On Tuesday she was giving the classes grades and at the end of ours she was like, "I'm giving you a smiley face..upside down!" i wanted to burst out laughing. she's crazy weird. and everyone in the class always has a different excuse why they can't do her excersices. Come on people, might as well suck it up and try. And then they gossip about her in history. And I don't like her much either but I'm trying not to be so negative. I really want to ask a different teacher though if Mr Biskins really has a degree.

whops gotta go eat tacos.

you are the only one i need

2005-09-26T19:25:00.000-05:00

so we're in the middle of a family meeting right now and we're discussing rules like no porn and stuff and i updated my profile. <- that's a link.

haha our english project we taped at breanna's was greeeat. i definitely looked stupid in it but it was funny. She actually edited it pretty well. Yay, happy.

Haha today:
*us walking to the ordway*
Ian: If bread fell from the sky what would you do?
Me: Keep walking.
Ian: But it'd be free bread! And you'd pass it up?
Me: You can buy bread for like, a dollar.
Ian: But why would you do that if you had free bread!?
Me: It'd be contaminated!

Amusing child.

Me and the padre went to jamba juice today. I love that place. If I could I'd go there much more often.

Heh on the way to finding my dad I saw christine and i walked up to her and she told me how she was just thinking of how cute i was or something. And that was nice because I basically kick myself down throughout the day when I'm around all those pretty happy girls. And to have an amazing pretty girl like christine ;) tell me that, was happy. i looove you christine!

Hey last wednesday the hogan's found me at church and took me irish dancing. :D

Now I should prolly go attend to cleaning my room and doing hebrew or algebra homework..hopefully I'll be able to do it. Procrastination. Pishaw.

Random shoutouts:

Manda: I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!! You need to talk to me moooore. I love listening to you. And I'm not just saying that!! And you're gooorgeous and i love your hair and uugh, lovely! And you're unique in a very special way!
Leah: You're like a big sister that I looove! :) We watch good movies together, hehe.. I wish I could be crazy random and cool like you.
Satya: We have to talk more. *shakes head* hehe i love your hand motions when you call at me!
Christine: You know the passion that burns inside of me for you. hehehe :P anee ohevhayt aht!
Jess: ;) I like your hugs. :) And braces! fweem, sexy.
Michelle: Hehe, I love having you for a sister in law, you're amaaazing in so many ways. *shakes head and smiles*
Jon: You need to write more in your blog cause I never talk to you anymore so I don't know what's up. Pishaw. And who were you talking about on aim last night, that person at church or something.

tah end

--`--`--EDIT~#!_#(!)&#____----

Whoops, I'm sorry steph lil!! I didn't know you read this anymore, cause you never comment..

Steph Lilly: I loooove you! And wish you lived in mn again..*sigh* You're an amazing person and definitely someone I admire. Hope you have grood days with college and all. ;) Again happy belated birthday!! :D

Haha Ben's a healthy catch. He rented a bunch of Bible/Israeli movies from the library, to have Bible watching nights. oh man..amusing..

i love you...i hate you...!?

2005-09-25T20:04:00.000-05:00

i'm too busy to compehend. i had fun though last night. some of us church people had a fun time at the ren fest and playing catch phrase a britnee's. and having a mocktail party! hehe, and we watched lost. good fun.

but i have to catch up on all my homewok for tomorrow and i aleady just want to sleep and it's only 8. i'm sick of this routine. i need a beak from life.

oh yea i went to this gil's house from my school o wok on a poject with some other people, and they're amazingly rich, but i'm glad i don't have thei life, case it's so empty and awful and backstabbing. fake love. fake happiness. fake freedom..

and breanna's weird skater ghetto wanna be racists kept saying, "i like this one, she's cool" about me or something. basically cause i sat in silence and when he talked to me i didn't get all girlyish flirty, but sounded like i couldn't care less if he talked to me. cause i didn't/don't. him and his friend were all, i kiss girls all the time. i cheat on my gf cause i don't care. i'm too hot.
seriously they both look alike. blond hair that does that weird flippy thing. and if you looked into his eyes you would only see the dark.
definitly not like ben hogan. *shakes head*

even though our house is like trash i'm happy it's based on love.

haha, good quote fom catchphrase.

nikki: uhh uhh peter stole this from anna
me: virginity!

(note, this is not true, and it was acually acorn, but that was the first thing that popped in to my head, haha)

i love my friends. i have good relationships where i can actually be me so i'm not quiet and so theer's not people asking me why i don't say anything.

the end

buried deep as you can dig inside yourself...

2005-09-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

(note: this entry may have alot of typos cause i'm typeing on a cruffy keyboard)

two for tea, and tea for two, tea for me and tea for you....

i'm listening to comfrtable liar at the moment. my pajama pants wet cause i wore them to fnl and we ran in the sprinklers after being super hot from jumping up and down. Man, Evan's band was royal! Healthy catch.

today was filled with extreme highs and extreme lows...maybe i'm moody or something. ack, the thought makes me shiver.

what not to do: trying slapping a mosqito against a crumbly ceiling with a piece of paper. abunch of paint crap will get in your eyes.

it started out well and swell, we hung out in the nook before classes. history class was hilarious because we all did little skits. and with kyle and calvin there it's gotta be funny. amazing commentary...haha.

and i walked past calvin and he was all, "striped pants, lame!" but later on he asked me if that was the cheshire cat on my shirt and i said yes and he was all, "that's awesome!" soo i was half lame half awesome today.

spanish i got all the weekend homework done. science borig as usual. i hate physical science. i like biology and stuff. literature we had to make groups to work on a project and i ended up being with ellie, brianna, ad missy...O.o preppy! oh well. they're good at heart. i don't get them though! on missy's backpack it said Jesus loves you! But she kept saying oh my god, and talking about how her first makeout was in 7th grade and all this stuff. There's a lot of "christians" at our school. meh. i'm still a loner. bouncing from group to group.

mr biskins..great teacher..we had to do a survey on the school...

sooo today we split into to groups for arts classes, theater people, and dance people. i was with satya! first our group had to go to the ordway, and sing, and learn a dance.

haha and then we went to roy wilkins and Usher's coreographer taught us hip hop. haha, it was funny being by satya.. :D this dude also did stuff with janet and michael jackson, haha... yea..

i had so much fun.

and after that i waited downtown..and got talked at by some scary guy telling me girls are beauitful and smart unlike guys. O.o

to make a long story short back here at 6:30 i had a little wet session with dashboard and my pillow. and i had one of those i remember this feeling moments. almost like a feeling like i still had a mom...or maybe it was when she died? so that made me miss her.. it's weird how i can never have her back... it's like she went on errands for the day, and i'm just waiting..and waiting..

at fnl i had some coffee and got hyper and had a grand old time jumpig around everywhere and being with amazing people.

haha merrill ended up giving me ad todd a ride home and she has some CRAZY friends. The guys were sitting in back of us, and this random guy starts stroking my hair. Hahaha, and he did it again later. It cracked me up.

yesterday me and manda walked to mba after the gay school, and it was interesting there..

peter hng out with us until like 9 and we were outside slidind down the railings and he tried stuffing himself in the paper machine. ooooh man that was funny. and he wouldn't give me back my acorn! so i had to squeak for him.

dude, i so saw isaiah and nate's friend from EI, and he remembered me from that one time i went to his house. haha that was interesting...
oh isaiah, kevin says you left your coat at his house awhile back.

yea, i'm out. too tired to think and cope. P.S. Ben hanson is awesome crazy insane! heh, he went into nate's room, turned the light off and listening to israeli worship music and yea..amazing.

25 cents for a picture

2005-09-14T21:17:00.000-05:00

todaaaay i woke up at 5:30 and i thought to myself, i hate this school! i should be sleeping. the morning is always the hardest when thinking about the gay school. Getting all my stuff ready and going to the bus and all that.

But it's fun there.. History is fun. Calvin and Kyle are amusing. Spanish was ok, no big lecture that made people break their pencils today...
I've decided I hate physical science the most. Booooring.

English we read and stuff, and that's kinda slow. And algebra is fun to plug your ears and tune into learning!

We had a fun lunch in the nook and I gave satya a letter, heh..that I..misplaced..

ESS acting was much enjoyable. We had a sub and we had to do this change the channel thing, and do a story in 4 freeze frames that sums it all up.

Sing for act is ok..we're working all that jazz and i know the first two verses and chorus..

And we watched this weird movie called tootsie for speech for actors, and i sat by the unique theatre people while that went on. yea i decided to label the tables everyone was at out of boredom. the movie was made in the 80s and i hate that particular kind..the cheesy subtitles and music and poofy curly hair.

our table basically drew or read or something. ian said he'd give me a quarter to see my badge picture but i kept saying no, but he kept begging me. he's interesting..

satya, nikki, manda, and i bussed to taco house then walked over to church. church was good..greg boyd walked up to mee and grabbed the back of my neck and walked me down the hall, haha..crazy

interesting things happeend...dmario was there but i didn't say hi, i felt bad about that, but i was too shy!!! anyways.. lots of people i love were there. weee. and jon gave me his badge! it makes me happy inside.

but anyways right now i'm stressed about hebrew. (otherwise i would be just fine! why oh why do you ale me so language of the bible?) and EXTRREMELY distraught about something that happened tonight. all i can do is pray..

gottta try to look for hebrew books/do homework. night world.

and all that jazz

2005-09-12T18:03:00.000-05:00

what not to do:

don't wear flipflops on a rainy day in downtown because it's most possible that you'll sleep on some marble cement stuff and slam your hand into a bar thing that covers the sewer when trying to catch yourself. and it really hurts.

haha i saw manda at grand jete when getting ballet slippers. i love that foxy woman!

school actually went really fast today, and i'm thinking to myself, this is nothing! i can do this! and algebra i actually understood and did somee problems! we're doing square roots, and it made so much sense it was fun! and i wanted to finish the section before lunch but i ran out of time..

we're reading the odyssey for english. i was studying how to write that word...

yesterday i helped peel pain off a house, i used this heat blowing thingy, and that was meh, but it was ok. the spiders would always blow away when i pointed it at them and i wanted to watch them burn up.

saturday night awww did i tell you i saw the hogans? oh man they're lovely. i'll miss them. they're moving tomorrow...no more looking at their house when i pass their street.

well gotta go to target and go out to eat. i want to cold stone and get lemon sorbet with raspberries..hmmm yummeh.

hop on a buck!

dance dance thoughts

final thoughts: whatever

ok then..

soaphead

the vision

downtown amongst other things

finally I surrender

a word from squatting fawn/Daisy

some joy.

it 's only a shadow...

finishing the work i've started..

Follow, into the open air

that's life.

but you've already lost...

haha!

Let's polka!

another day

may angels lead you...home

delicioso

caught by the tail of my coat

mahaha rap music...

oh dear self...

whoa bessy!

oh my gracious!!!!

no bones, highfives please!

the open door!?!?

i can't face myself when i wake up (background brother music)

consuming fire

i need you, the end.

See Ya! I'm going Around the World!!

it smells like summer outside!!!

bon voyage

lists and such

now that you're alive

saying she's just another so and so

take me away

monkeys infected with ebola. cults and internships.

thoughts to ponder

so here we are again

surrounded by hypocrites

you your me we I

i'm trying to push it away...

kirby pucket had a stroke and died

forget the former things

jaded- A Bird-a-keet!

God is everything the human heart could need

uuuuuugh

she was a young girl, i was a young man...

attack of the fruit flies

so february 4th is passed

hacking and hackers

hacking and hackers

siiiiii!

ouch..my blood cells

and i thought that i found myself today, and i thought that i had control

hablar por telephono

hte yda oyu lspipde waya

also known as perturbed

my cat just caught a mouse

i saw you for the first time all over again

*snaps fingers* hey baby

i'm sorry that i satyed so long, and to think it could of all been gone away

one way out is all your gonna get

can you feel the love tonight?

waiting for someone to come along and find me..

if the truth didn't hurt so much, then i wouldn't lie

oh christmas tree oh christmas tree, how scrawny are your branches!

woman. woe-man. wooooooe-man!

drinking cranberry ginger ale out of the bottle is my apparent fantasy

i've tried so hard to not walk away

mook

snag free twin wire

paged through....

hehe

as soon as you stepped through my door..i saw you for the first time all over again

rolling down another day...

gee-im-a-tree

Yah, for shure, you betcha!

P♥M Wonderful

snaps fingers hey baby